Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Mack Truck is Back

So I had two good weeks without many symptoms, feeling good and in control of things with diet and exercise happening and everything.  Then Monday, something started up and I'm flaring up for some reason.  Was I too greedy with doing things while feeling good that I triggered a flare by being too active and not resting?

Last night I was awake all night.  Not so much as a nap came over me - all flippin' night.  I tried relaxing in bed with ear plugs, without ear plugs, tried lying on my back, my sides, tried thinking of pleasant things.  Nothing.  Hours and hours of stressful thoughts about various things going on at work that have been bothering me lately kept creeping back into my mind and and I could not fall asleep.  The stress broke me.  I don't know what it is about the middle of the night, but I felt so hopeless and frustrated.  I moved to the couch and read blog posts in my Google Reader on my phone to try to take my mind off things, since I'd given up on sleep.  Forget work today.  There's just no way.  I am a wreck.  I took a much-needed sick day.

It seems my abdominal area is tender and painful lately, mostly near the left side.  Air bubbles or ulcers  - I don't know any more.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, unless the tiny bits of apple I found in yesterday's fruit started something, but I picked them out.  (I'm allergic to raw apple skins.)    I just feel crappy.  Then there's the back spasm in my right side that came back to life.   Even the hydrocodone I took at bed time wasn't helping that.  I wonder if the medication kept me up instead of making me drowsy.  Side effects don't always make sense in my body. 

I've been trying to stay on this side of the sane/crazy borderline, but last night I think I wandered over the line a bit.  My mental state seems back in good enough order, but my body is stuck in physical disarray at the moment, and notice that it affects my thinking a bit.

As always, when I stay home due to illness, I can't help but feel the invisible pressure of all those chores and tasks I have to do.  There is some compromise where I go and do a couple of easy things, but I have a hard time just resting, which is what I need to be doing.  For instance, I have been meaning to update my WRAP and wish I would do that, but I know I should not be at the computer too long with this spasm screaming at me.  I washed up our farm veggies (we have them delivered weekly from a local CSA, Wellhausen Farms) and made a healthy salad for lunch, but it took a very long time, and I was tempted to just grab something like cereal and leave it all undone.  Despite all the healthy ingredients in my salad today, my belly is also complaining again and uncomfortable.  I folded some laundry, too, because I knew it would nag at me if I didn't.  Despite my fatigue, I cannot rest easily at all.  This is one of the common frustrating symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

I hate that I can feel so great, then shitty, so quickly.  It makes me feel bipolar in some ways.  I was hoping I could coast through the summer feeling almost like a normal.  I guess I had forgotten my limitations again and overdone it with activities.  I will learn from this flare, just like with every flare, but I'm not enjoying this lesson.  Ugh.  Time for me to lie down.  I hope my next post is more fun than this one.