A friend recently shared a link to a good resource for helping quiet the mind. It's a link to the Meditation Oasis podcasts. They are free and easy to use. They are just a few minutes long each, so they are not too difficult to fit into a busy day. Give these a try.
https://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Abandoned Fibro Blogs
I just unsubscribed from over a dozen blogs written by fibromyalgia sufferers about their lives with fibromyalgia. All of them have not published a post in over a thousand days. Nothing. Where did they all go?
Several years back, around the time of the great Facebook revolution, I did a brief stint on Twitter. While there, I found a group of fellow fibromites and some of them had blogs. We subscribed to each other's blogs and created our own, (myself included,) exchanging stories and insights about our many challenges. We wrote frequently back then, as there was a lot we had to say.
Maybe it's all been said now. I feel like I'm caught up on all the nuances of this fibro life, yet I still look for news and different perspectives here and there. Once in a great while, I share my own.
This has become clear recently while reviewing my Facebook Memories from years past. I used to post about my pains and health challenges, and sometimes my health victories. Now, I feel I don't want to bore or annoy my Facebook friends with the tedium of my particular collection of health problems. They may not understand what it's like to live like this, but maybe they don't need to.
I have learned that most everyone has their own set of problems. Would I want to read about them all? Wouldn't I start to see certain people as their most frequent complaints? This is not how I want people to see me. I am a person with interests and convictions. I look for opportunities to be more interesting. I am trying to live life.
Hopefully the lost fibro bloggers are all out living their lives and trying not to wallow in their pain. Although I know blogging is a good outlet for dealing with the struggles of living with an invisible illness, I know it can have the unfortunate consequence of limiting one's ability to move beyond that focus.
Today, my advice is to try to forget the bad and focus on the good, the positive. What can you do? What can you enjoy. Be a whole person.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
A Long, Long Year, and a Poem
It's been a long, and difficult spring and summer for my husband and me. He has Crohn's, as many of you know, and it has turned his life upside down, starting with an intestinal obstruction with micro-perforation that occurred in mid-March, and resulted in an emergency ileostomy that was supposed to be reversed after 3 months. Since then, it's been one complication after another. He is still dealing with the problems we never knew about until all this happened.
However, as he nears his reconnection surgery date, we have been trying to get his weight and strength back up, and one of the things we have been doing is walking every day. Those walks inspired this poem. I hope you enjoy it.
However, as he nears his reconnection surgery date, we have been trying to get his weight and strength back up, and one of the things we have been doing is walking every day. Those walks inspired this poem. I hope you enjoy it.
The Same Old Path by Benia Zouras
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Reflections on the Table
As the new year begins again, I reflect on last year's resolutions. I managed to get a couple of them done. (Hooray!) However, I piled on too much for myself, which is typical of me, and have a bunch of incomplete goals. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, because I learned that it's okay. I did make progress on all of the other ones, which is the whole point of setting goals. This year, I'm giving higher priority to the old resolutions, with modifications, and see if I can do as well and manage to cross something off in a dozen months, even if I won't be able to cross all of them off. Progress is progress and I will take it.
Well, winter is definitely on, here in the midwest. It has been snowing and snowing! Plus we had that crazy "polar vortex" deep freeze a couple weeks back that kept me and many others home from work for a couple days. Knowing how the cold always exacerbates my symptoms, my dear husband has been dutifully shoveling the driveway and sidewalks all winter, without my help. Thanks, Don! I very much appreciate it!
Despite my trying to stay warm, I have had a bit of a setback this week with a flare up that started a couple days ago. My back is apparently very angry that I exercised and kept working all week, so yesterday, it spasmed, painfully, all afternoon and all evening and through the night. I woke up this morning unable to get up from bed for quite a long time, as the pain in my back raged on. I knew I'd have to get up eventually, though, so I made my way to my heating pad, which helped.
It's incredibly frustrating to keep trying to be healthy and productive while the Chronic Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia keep conspiring to knock me down and punish me for it. Like many other fibromites, I feel the better days that come along between flare ups can be both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is feeling less pain and feeling less miserable, but the curse is that we all seem to do too much on these good days, because it's our best chance at getting things done. Then we crash hard because we overdid it. But, I need to remember that I will have better days and I will have worse days, and it may not make any sense when they occur. I do what I can to help minimize the worse days and plan for special occasions, but fibro doesn't care. I am still learning to accept that.
It's incredibly frustrating to keep trying to be healthy and productive while the Chronic Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia keep conspiring to knock me down and punish me for it. Like many other fibromites, I feel the better days that come along between flare ups can be both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is feeling less pain and feeling less miserable, but the curse is that we all seem to do too much on these good days, because it's our best chance at getting things done. Then we crash hard because we overdid it. But, I need to remember that I will have better days and I will have worse days, and it may not make any sense when they occur. I do what I can to help minimize the worse days and plan for special occasions, but fibro doesn't care. I am still learning to accept that.
Moving on...
I find I'm feeling a little less willing to share my life's details here lately. It's great to get things off my chest or share things I've learned, but sometimes I guess I just feel more private about things. Hopefully that's okay with you. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's just how I'm feeling. I have been playing with the idea of perhaps closing up the shop here and ending the blog altogether. That seems a bit wrong of me, though, especially since I have been such a big proponent of blogging and journaling for anyone with chronic health issues.
It's good to put things into words, you know? And whether that occurs online, in a private email to a friend, or in a journal, or even just phrased in the mind, I have found answers to confounding questions, time after time, the very moment I finish phrasing the question. Has this happened to you?
For instance, I'll be racking my brain all day about, say, the name of an actor I saw in a commercial or something. After hours and hours of hoping for the answer to come to me, I finally ask someone else and BAM! As soon as I hear myself ask the question out loud, the correct answer pops right into my head. It happens at home and it happens at work. At work, I have had the answer come to me after phrasing an email just right. Many times, the email never has to be sent, because I figure it out once I just phrase the question right. I do hate to ask for help, which is why I'm glad I figured out this magical answer-finding tip.
Anyway, getting back to my possibly quitting the blogging... I wonder who reads my words and if they help anyone. It's okay if this is all just a cathartic public journal for me, too, but I guess if I'd be missed, I might try harder to keep things going. I won't commit to anything today, but it's on my mind. I have subscribed to many blogs over the years and have noticed that some just... stop. There is no good-bye, no warning, no indication that the author intended to quit or if the choice was made for him/her. I wonder if those authors are okay. Most of them just get busy, I know, and that's fine. The blogging is an enhancement to the rest of their lives, which should take a higher priority. I guess because I'm aware of how it feels to be a reader of a blog that just dies, I wanted to address the topic while I was still writing, in case I do decide to quit.
Like I said, I 'm still here and I will still attempt to post tidbits of knowledge and experience as they come to me, but if I'm not around for a while, just know I'm exercising my right to change things in my life to make it better for myself. Stay warm!!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Stuck Between Worlds
The other night, I watched an interesting episode of "Torchwood". There was a time-traveling character named Bilis who said he was trapped between time, or outside history, or something like that. He can travel through time, but lamented that he didn't belong anywhere in it, and in that episode, he'd had enough of it. I can relate.
I sometimes feel this way about my place in the world, as a relatively high-functioning fibromite. I don't quite fit in with "normal" people, because of my invisible limitations, yet I am not always easily welcomed into circles of chronically ill, either. (Or at least it doesn't always feel that way.) I did not realize the latter until recently, but I noticed the way I am treated in these groups is different from how some of the others there are treated. I have plenty of symptoms, yet I manage to work full time and do many of the things that normals do, even if I have to do them carefully or differently. This somehow makes it difficult for me to fit in anywhere. I don't feel I have the right to vent in these groups - not fully. Nor do I feel I can vent with so-called "normals" who don't have Fibromyalgia.
And I understand that those who are bedridden, in severe and constant pain, and without income, definitely have more to vent about. I get that. But the fact remains, I don't easily find a place that meets my own needs. I can give advice and share research information and offer sympathy, but I feel like my needs could never be a priority to them, not the way a more severely affected fibromite's needs may be. I feel a bit second-class there, even though I don't believe it is entirely intentional. Does this emotion make sense?
I still have these emotional needs, but I'm in some sort of no man's land, where I don't measure up or down to the standards of existing groups that I've found thus far. Don't get me wrong, but I worry that a group treating me this way could inadvertently be encouraging its members to stay sick.
Anyway, there was a response to one of my comments in a group that felt a little unnecessarily harsh toward me. It was not directly offensive, but a fibromite in a low mood would not have appreciated the response at that time. And I have recently been in that low mood, so it was a little fresh on my mind yet. I wanted to be the bigger person in all this, so I just let it be. I did not want to start an argument that neither of us wanted to have. There is always the possibility that symptoms are affecting moods among any of us at any given moment. So I try to remember to tread lightly, just in case.
So what's a Benia to do? Who can be my true peers when I need them? Are others feeling isolated among people who should be their friends, or is this just me? Is there an undercurrent in some of the interactions you have with other fibromites? Is there a place for people like me to feel at home? Do you know of groups like this?
If you think I'm making too much of this, I can appreciate that, but I don't think I should have to be on my own because I am managing my chronic illness to some degree, so I can live. We each need support, regardless of our own perceived level of suffering.
I think it's probably a good idea to let things simmer a bit before I comment or say something back that I might regret, in case I'm the one who has misinterpreted the comment. I mean, we're all kind of emotionally broken at one time or another, thanks to our ridiculously unpredictable symptoms. It's probably a miracle we can get together at all. I know that I may be making too much of all this, but, regardless of the way I feel about these specific examples, I do know that there is a variety of fibromites at various stages with varying symptoms and life challenges getting together in groups, and we are not always able to be level-headed about things when the fibro beast has been beating us down all day (or week or month or year). It's almost a powder keg for any of us to belong to these groups, given our fibro fog and mood issues. When we need a friend the most, we are not always going to be thinking clearly. It's a risk. Buyer beware and all that. Perhaps there should be a preamble or mission statement that covers this kind of stuff in the fibro groups.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Stairs
Well, guess what I decided to do today. This morning, during my usual 4 flights up the stairs in my office building, I thought perhaps I should try for that 5th flight and see how it goes. Then I chickened out and just did the usual 4 and rode the elevator up the rest of the way to my floor.
That bugged me a little. I started doing the 4 flights of stairs last February, when I was awarded a garage parking space that was near the stairwell for a full month. I figured I'd make up the walk from the parking lot by going up some steps, even though I could only do about half the way up to my floor before my legs seized up. It was a great habit that stuck with me even after my month of privileged parking was up. It became stranger for me to NOT take the stairs than to just take them. I have also read that it takes about a month to develop or quit a habit, so that makes sense that the habit stuck. But I'd become frustrated in my limitations and not being able to progress as I expected to, over time. Here it is, 7 months later, and I was still only going up 4 flights at a time.
Well, today, when lunchtime came, I took the stairs up to get back to work and just decided I would have to finally try to do 5 flights today. I went slowly and took a break at 3 flights, then at 4. Then I continued, finally, to the 5th. Yay! Then I took a break and just kept going. Why not? I rested a few seconds at each floor and kept going up until I made it to my floor on the 8th floor, which totals 9 flights (from the garage level). I did it! I am stronger than I gave myself credit! Whoohoo!!!
That's all for now. I'm doing things and watching how I'm able to handle things, pushing myself and taking breaks. I was totally prepared to be wiped out after doing 5 flights today, and I was not too bad after 9. I guess tomorrow might feel differently, but for now, I'm good with just enjoying the super feat I've accomplished.
I will definitely have to keep trying to do that 9 more regularly, starting tomorrow.
That bugged me a little. I started doing the 4 flights of stairs last February, when I was awarded a garage parking space that was near the stairwell for a full month. I figured I'd make up the walk from the parking lot by going up some steps, even though I could only do about half the way up to my floor before my legs seized up. It was a great habit that stuck with me even after my month of privileged parking was up. It became stranger for me to NOT take the stairs than to just take them. I have also read that it takes about a month to develop or quit a habit, so that makes sense that the habit stuck. But I'd become frustrated in my limitations and not being able to progress as I expected to, over time. Here it is, 7 months later, and I was still only going up 4 flights at a time.Well, today, when lunchtime came, I took the stairs up to get back to work and just decided I would have to finally try to do 5 flights today. I went slowly and took a break at 3 flights, then at 4. Then I continued, finally, to the 5th. Yay! Then I took a break and just kept going. Why not? I rested a few seconds at each floor and kept going up until I made it to my floor on the 8th floor, which totals 9 flights (from the garage level). I did it! I am stronger than I gave myself credit! Whoohoo!!!
That's all for now. I'm doing things and watching how I'm able to handle things, pushing myself and taking breaks. I was totally prepared to be wiped out after doing 5 flights today, and I was not too bad after 9. I guess tomorrow might feel differently, but for now, I'm good with just enjoying the super feat I've accomplished.
I will definitely have to keep trying to do that 9 more regularly, starting tomorrow.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Stress and Asking for Help
Work stress and physical Fibro stress.
Work is very stressful for me at the moment. There is much to do and so many people counting on me and my team to do what seems impossible. A coworker called me "Superman" when he felt the stress of it all. Although it came up when he confessed that everyone relies on me to understand and explain everything we work on, only because I didn't have an answer this particular time, I am flattered by the sentiment. I guess I already knew I was secretly super.
Anyway, back to work stress There are just so many factors - multiple projects, tight deadlines, new problems to figure out, new people involved, an extended absence from a key colleague - that make this a very difficult and stressful time for me at work, even if I didn't have the additional burden of my chronic health problems to top it all off. As we all know, I'm sure, emotional stress leads to physical stress on our fragile, fibro bodies. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night and could not stop thinking about work. I felt worn out and down in the dumps about my inability to keep up with the crazy workload. I must have sounded more upset than usual, as several, concerned coworkers noticed today and offered a kind ear. No time for venting, though. I had to press on.
Something I did learn today, though, is that it's really okay to ask for help.
When I finally accepted help with my top priority work today, I felt a lot better. I mean LOADS! Until then, I had dreaded having to admit that I needed help on this project that I was entrusted to wrap up rather quickly. I imagined the worst-case scenarios, over and over in my head. When emotions occupy my mind, I know from past events, that my logic degrades sharply. The fatigue from too little sleep and pains that arise from that, also fog up my brain, preventing me from thinking clearly. Can you relate? I heard myself answering questions incorrectly, then correcting myself incorrectly. I ended up sounding like I was lying, but I just could not find answers to the questions being asked. It's a mess.
During the collaborative process, however, I felt my stressful feelings were validated because it was obvious that others realized just how daunting my task really is. And, of course, the joint effort was also very helpful in getting me going in the right direction. We made progress figuring some of the challenges out together and forging a more specific plan for me. After that, I was much better able to focus on the task at hand, rather than being distracted by the downward spiral of worrying and physical symptom flare-up.
I know it's difficult for some of us Type-A personalities to admit we need help, much less actually ASK for help from others when we really need it. However, it's probably worth the risk of asking if you feel stuck in that ugly spiral. I was lucky that help was being foisted upon me, despite my unfounded resistance.
I will work on recognizing the signs before it's too late, and remind myself that it's okay to ask for help. Even Superman can't always do it alone. That's why he's got Super Friends to help him out. ;)
Work is very stressful for me at the moment. There is much to do and so many people counting on me and my team to do what seems impossible. A coworker called me "Superman" when he felt the stress of it all. Although it came up when he confessed that everyone relies on me to understand and explain everything we work on, only because I didn't have an answer this particular time, I am flattered by the sentiment. I guess I already knew I was secretly super.
Anyway, back to work stress There are just so many factors - multiple projects, tight deadlines, new problems to figure out, new people involved, an extended absence from a key colleague - that make this a very difficult and stressful time for me at work, even if I didn't have the additional burden of my chronic health problems to top it all off. As we all know, I'm sure, emotional stress leads to physical stress on our fragile, fibro bodies. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night and could not stop thinking about work. I felt worn out and down in the dumps about my inability to keep up with the crazy workload. I must have sounded more upset than usual, as several, concerned coworkers noticed today and offered a kind ear. No time for venting, though. I had to press on.
Something I did learn today, though, is that it's really okay to ask for help.
When I finally accepted help with my top priority work today, I felt a lot better. I mean LOADS! Until then, I had dreaded having to admit that I needed help on this project that I was entrusted to wrap up rather quickly. I imagined the worst-case scenarios, over and over in my head. When emotions occupy my mind, I know from past events, that my logic degrades sharply. The fatigue from too little sleep and pains that arise from that, also fog up my brain, preventing me from thinking clearly. Can you relate? I heard myself answering questions incorrectly, then correcting myself incorrectly. I ended up sounding like I was lying, but I just could not find answers to the questions being asked. It's a mess.
During the collaborative process, however, I felt my stressful feelings were validated because it was obvious that others realized just how daunting my task really is. And, of course, the joint effort was also very helpful in getting me going in the right direction. We made progress figuring some of the challenges out together and forging a more specific plan for me. After that, I was much better able to focus on the task at hand, rather than being distracted by the downward spiral of worrying and physical symptom flare-up.
I know it's difficult for some of us Type-A personalities to admit we need help, much less actually ASK for help from others when we really need it. However, it's probably worth the risk of asking if you feel stuck in that ugly spiral. I was lucky that help was being foisted upon me, despite my unfounded resistance. I will work on recognizing the signs before it's too late, and remind myself that it's okay to ask for help. Even Superman can't always do it alone. That's why he's got Super Friends to help him out. ;)
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Move Around and Feel Better
I came across this article today. It talks about what a huge difference it makes in the body to be sitting for hours on end vs. breaking up the sitting with standing and walking around every 20 minutes or so. What I read there is right in line with what doctors everywhere have been nagging their patients to do: MOVE!
Yes, I know it hurts. We are a sensitive bunch and we tire easily. Believe me, I know! I also know that it's not as easy to do as it is to say, especially in the throes of a pain flare up; however, we must make a daily goal to use our muscles and circulate our blood, regardless of how good or poor our health is. Fibro or not, movement is necessary! I don't run any marathons and don't expect to, but I do try to make sure I do some sort of exercise each day, even if I'm hurting a lot. (Stretching and yoga poses count!)
Below is my exercise log, if you'd like to see what I've been doing as an example. Go ahead and flip through back to the beginning of the year and before, when I started logging my exercise. See how far I've come.
I'm not perfect, but I do try, and it's important to try. Keeping track keeps me motivated and helps me remember how far I've come. (Note: On days where I ended up being too active to do exercise on purpose, I entered the exhausting activities in parentheses.) Most days, I start with stretches my doctor gave me to do to help with hip pain/bursitis. There are five different ones and I usually just pick one per day to quickly do before getting ready for work. I've just recently decided to try to do two per day, if I can. We'll see how that goes. On work days, I also take the stairs half-way up to my floor (it's all I can do before my legs give out) in the morning and after lunch. Every three days I try to do something more, like walking, yoga, or elliptical machine for at least 5 minutes. As time goes by, I hope to make that minimum a little higher. Again, baby steps...
Join the movement! Don't shoot for the moon today, but do try to get some movement into your day and start as cautiously as you need to.
Yes, I know it hurts. We are a sensitive bunch and we tire easily. Believe me, I know! I also know that it's not as easy to do as it is to say, especially in the throes of a pain flare up; however, we must make a daily goal to use our muscles and circulate our blood, regardless of how good or poor our health is. Fibro or not, movement is necessary! I don't run any marathons and don't expect to, but I do try to make sure I do some sort of exercise each day, even if I'm hurting a lot. (Stretching and yoga poses count!)
Below is my exercise log, if you'd like to see what I've been doing as an example. Go ahead and flip through back to the beginning of the year and before, when I started logging my exercise. See how far I've come.
I'm not perfect, but I do try, and it's important to try. Keeping track keeps me motivated and helps me remember how far I've come. (Note: On days where I ended up being too active to do exercise on purpose, I entered the exhausting activities in parentheses.) Most days, I start with stretches my doctor gave me to do to help with hip pain/bursitis. There are five different ones and I usually just pick one per day to quickly do before getting ready for work. I've just recently decided to try to do two per day, if I can. We'll see how that goes. On work days, I also take the stairs half-way up to my floor (it's all I can do before my legs give out) in the morning and after lunch. Every three days I try to do something more, like walking, yoga, or elliptical machine for at least 5 minutes. As time goes by, I hope to make that minimum a little higher. Again, baby steps...
Join the movement! Don't shoot for the moon today, but do try to get some movement into your day and start as cautiously as you need to.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Fibro Fog & Language Problems
I recently found this article that discusses fibro fog, specifically language problems. I found it to be relevant because I am challenged at work by people who prefer face-to-face interactions or phone calls to my emails and texts.
Part of my job involves meaningful discussions with just about anyone else in my company. Even if they could understand why I rely heavily on written communications, I don't think it's necessary for me to explain it to them all. But when I hear myself talk in meetings sometimes, I have become painfully aware of how halting and imprecise I sound when I cannot find the appropriate words. Even worse, it's distracting to me to have others tell me they cannot follow what I am saying. Then I might lose my train of thought.
As a compromise, when I need to discuss things with others, I find that starting to draft an email helps me figure out what I want to say, but then I make the phone call instead of emailing. It doesn't help when unforeseen topics arise, but it's something. Luckily I'm not easily embarrassed, so I keep pushing myself to be better despite the discomfort. It's a tough world out there sometimes, so I guess it's a good thing that I don't back down from challenges too easily.
Do you have these problems with words? If so, what do you do to cope?
Part of my job involves meaningful discussions with just about anyone else in my company. Even if they could understand why I rely heavily on written communications, I don't think it's necessary for me to explain it to them all. But when I hear myself talk in meetings sometimes, I have become painfully aware of how halting and imprecise I sound when I cannot find the appropriate words. Even worse, it's distracting to me to have others tell me they cannot follow what I am saying. Then I might lose my train of thought.
As a compromise, when I need to discuss things with others, I find that starting to draft an email helps me figure out what I want to say, but then I make the phone call instead of emailing. It doesn't help when unforeseen topics arise, but it's something. Luckily I'm not easily embarrassed, so I keep pushing myself to be better despite the discomfort. It's a tough world out there sometimes, so I guess it's a good thing that I don't back down from challenges too easily.
Do you have these problems with words? If so, what do you do to cope?
| huh? |
Friday, February 1, 2013
Attitude is Everything
I recently visited wonderful rheumatologist, to follow up on my last visit. Good news! My blood pressure is no longer ridiculously high. The last time I had it measured was mid-October by my gynecologist, who ordered me off Seasonique because of estrogen contributing to the high blood pressure. Back then, it was as high as 150/97 (the last and highest of 3 readings in that one visit). Today, it's down to 125/87 (the second and lower of 2 readings today). According to the wikipedia page on Blood Pressure, I moved from stage 1 Hypertension to Prehypertension. I'm just one category away from normal. Isn't that what we fibromites all strive for? Normal? I'm getting there.
My doctor was also very proud of my improvements in overall pain levels and lifestyle changes to be healthier. I've been eating healthier foods and making sure I get some exercise in at least every couple of days. I'm keeping up Yoga on Wednesdays and my Whole Foods salad lunch habit. I've also added elliptical workouts (usually 15 or 30 minutes) and climbing stairs in the building where I work. (4 floors, up is all I can do right now, but I'm pretty impressed anyway.)
Since my symptoms are mostly under control, she is keeping me on my nightly Cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) for muscle relaxing and sleep, and leaving the rest up to me to control by living my life as well as I can. Being on few medications is just the way I like it!
Although, I have been noticing some more heart rhythm issues lately, especially upon waking, and I did not realize until looking up the link just now that this medication warns about that. I've had atrial tachycardia since I was a teenager, and episodes are usually short, but can last hours, and they can be slight or kind of scary feeling. I wish I'd known before my last appointment, so I could ask the doctor about it. I'll have to note that and give her a call to see what she says about it. Every doctor I've seen about it pretty much shrugs and says some people just have this and they aren't sure why. One cardiologist offered to fix it with a new heart surgery that would cut the electrical route that triggers the arrhythmia. I don't feel it's enough of a concern to risk surgery, so I am just kind of dealing with it.
Because I still mentioned that my right hip gets stiff if I sit too long, she also asked me to do several hip stretches every day. She gave me a printout with instructions for five different ones to do. I have been adding them to my morning routine already.
Oddly, though, after bragging about how great I've been doing, I had a weird kink in my back, headaches, knee pain, and some minor digestion issues, plus tinnitus and a weird hour-long episode of partial deafness in my right ear. Did I jinx myself? At any rate, I think I may just be paying attention to many of the things that were called out during the appointment, and feeling just about average for me lately, if that makes any sense. I do still deal with FMS and the unpredictable symptoms. But, I'm not going to worry about it and just assume it's nothing unusual. I'm on my way to feeling more normal and feeling more in control of my health these days. YAY! Attitude is everything!
Wanna jump for joy with me? Well, if you're not up to it, you can just do a mental happy dance, if you like.
My doctor was also very proud of my improvements in overall pain levels and lifestyle changes to be healthier. I've been eating healthier foods and making sure I get some exercise in at least every couple of days. I'm keeping up Yoga on Wednesdays and my Whole Foods salad lunch habit. I've also added elliptical workouts (usually 15 or 30 minutes) and climbing stairs in the building where I work. (4 floors, up is all I can do right now, but I'm pretty impressed anyway.)
Since my symptoms are mostly under control, she is keeping me on my nightly Cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) for muscle relaxing and sleep, and leaving the rest up to me to control by living my life as well as I can. Being on few medications is just the way I like it!
Although, I have been noticing some more heart rhythm issues lately, especially upon waking, and I did not realize until looking up the link just now that this medication warns about that. I've had atrial tachycardia since I was a teenager, and episodes are usually short, but can last hours, and they can be slight or kind of scary feeling. I wish I'd known before my last appointment, so I could ask the doctor about it. I'll have to note that and give her a call to see what she says about it. Every doctor I've seen about it pretty much shrugs and says some people just have this and they aren't sure why. One cardiologist offered to fix it with a new heart surgery that would cut the electrical route that triggers the arrhythmia. I don't feel it's enough of a concern to risk surgery, so I am just kind of dealing with it.
Because I still mentioned that my right hip gets stiff if I sit too long, she also asked me to do several hip stretches every day. She gave me a printout with instructions for five different ones to do. I have been adding them to my morning routine already.
Oddly, though, after bragging about how great I've been doing, I had a weird kink in my back, headaches, knee pain, and some minor digestion issues, plus tinnitus and a weird hour-long episode of partial deafness in my right ear. Did I jinx myself? At any rate, I think I may just be paying attention to many of the things that were called out during the appointment, and feeling just about average for me lately, if that makes any sense. I do still deal with FMS and the unpredictable symptoms. But, I'm not going to worry about it and just assume it's nothing unusual. I'm on my way to feeling more normal and feeling more in control of my health these days. YAY! Attitude is everything!
Wanna jump for joy with me? Well, if you're not up to it, you can just do a mental happy dance, if you like.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
That Last Straw
Have you ever just had a terrible day when one thing after the next just went wrong? Maybe it was more than a day. I've been dealing with some bad news and stressful things happening and they culminated into a moment that, unfortunately, resulted in a mini nervous breakdown, because of that last straw that broke Benia's back.
Singly, my stressful things weren't that unbearable. They're no fun, but I can handle them alone. It's when they all decide to happen together and overlap into an overwhelming mess of crap that I have trouble.
For example, work-related stress over deadlines, earnings, etc. are also typical of most employed people. My surprisingly high blood pressure is one more diagnosis for me to deal with. Major household appliances expiring and requiring immediate action for replacement happen. Then a loved one's health problems creeping in with a flare-up of unknown severity. My car's check engine light decided to get in on the action. Then a health insurance change with serious financial implications was suddenly forced upon us with little time to plan and research. My asthma was feeling the stress and making sure I noticed it, no matter how much I fought it.
Then I got a phone message from my parents - people who love me and miss me but have no idea how much strength I muster on any given day, just to get by and pretend I'm normal. There is also a language barrier, as they are immigrants and I am American-born. Our conversations are limited to what we can successfully express in the others' comfortable language. I called back and just mention my having a bad day and before I know it, I'm getting lectured on how I can't possibly have anything to stress over because I have no kids. THAT was the last straw.
I could not handle one more thing and yet there it was. I broke. It was extremely unfortunate that I broke down while on that call, because without being able to explain that life just took a shit on me recently, I ended up not making any sense at all and ended up seeming secretive. Who wants to list all their problems to people who immediately judge and compare them to their own standards? I am not secretive or dishonest. I just did not have a good way to convey my bad day and explain my emotional fragility.
THEN, THAT phone call added yet another unnecessary straw to my load. Since then, I've been accused of keeping secrets and lying to cover up some problem that would be catastrophic. My own parents had two days to speculate the very worst since my breakdown. Today they made an excuse to come see me so they could find out more. UGH, I did this so wrong! They came and we talked. Their accusations were not helping me. I did my best to explain that I just had a bad string of luck but that I'm okay. Nobody is getting a divorce or fighting or dying or whatever other awful things they imagined. I also told them that I know that they are trying to help and that I appreciate it, but I just cannot take it right now. They mean well, but the advice I get from them is just SO unhelpful! If they only realized how much they are just making things worse with their loving help. Knowing that they cannot understand and that they meant well is all that kept me from losing my mind all over again.
I need a break, I tried to explain. I think they got it, but they are far too generous with their advice about every last thing they think I need help with. They cannot help me. They make assumptions that I cannot seem to debunk for them. There are details about my life that I am unwilling to have to share just to get them to stop helping. Eat this. Take that supplement. It works for them. OMG, just stop. Thank you, Mom and Dad, seriously, for caring, but I just don't need this advice.
This is how I'm doing. I will have better days, but not for a while, I think. :P
Singly, my stressful things weren't that unbearable. They're no fun, but I can handle them alone. It's when they all decide to happen together and overlap into an overwhelming mess of crap that I have trouble.
For example, work-related stress over deadlines, earnings, etc. are also typical of most employed people. My surprisingly high blood pressure is one more diagnosis for me to deal with. Major household appliances expiring and requiring immediate action for replacement happen. Then a loved one's health problems creeping in with a flare-up of unknown severity. My car's check engine light decided to get in on the action. Then a health insurance change with serious financial implications was suddenly forced upon us with little time to plan and research. My asthma was feeling the stress and making sure I noticed it, no matter how much I fought it.
Then I got a phone message from my parents - people who love me and miss me but have no idea how much strength I muster on any given day, just to get by and pretend I'm normal. There is also a language barrier, as they are immigrants and I am American-born. Our conversations are limited to what we can successfully express in the others' comfortable language. I called back and just mention my having a bad day and before I know it, I'm getting lectured on how I can't possibly have anything to stress over because I have no kids. THAT was the last straw.
I could not handle one more thing and yet there it was. I broke. It was extremely unfortunate that I broke down while on that call, because without being able to explain that life just took a shit on me recently, I ended up not making any sense at all and ended up seeming secretive. Who wants to list all their problems to people who immediately judge and compare them to their own standards? I am not secretive or dishonest. I just did not have a good way to convey my bad day and explain my emotional fragility.
THEN, THAT phone call added yet another unnecessary straw to my load. Since then, I've been accused of keeping secrets and lying to cover up some problem that would be catastrophic. My own parents had two days to speculate the very worst since my breakdown. Today they made an excuse to come see me so they could find out more. UGH, I did this so wrong! They came and we talked. Their accusations were not helping me. I did my best to explain that I just had a bad string of luck but that I'm okay. Nobody is getting a divorce or fighting or dying or whatever other awful things they imagined. I also told them that I know that they are trying to help and that I appreciate it, but I just cannot take it right now. They mean well, but the advice I get from them is just SO unhelpful! If they only realized how much they are just making things worse with their loving help. Knowing that they cannot understand and that they meant well is all that kept me from losing my mind all over again.
I need a break, I tried to explain. I think they got it, but they are far too generous with their advice about every last thing they think I need help with. They cannot help me. They make assumptions that I cannot seem to debunk for them. There are details about my life that I am unwilling to have to share just to get them to stop helping. Eat this. Take that supplement. It works for them. OMG, just stop. Thank you, Mom and Dad, seriously, for caring, but I just don't need this advice.
This is how I'm doing. I will have better days, but not for a while, I think. :P
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Success! ...and Stress
To follow up on my last post, I have been pretty good about not "cracking" my right wrist for the past month. I caught myself on a few occasions, but I think the month has mostly allowed me to break the habit. I still need to pay attention to maintain and not slip back into old habits because it seems to have made a difference in the lightning nerve pains I'd been having in my right forearm. I cannot recall having any episodes in my right forearm during the past month.
This little experiment is by no means conclusive with regard to a cause and effect. I realize one month is not a large enough sample time to conclude the not cracking (much) prevents nerve pain, since the episodes can be very infrequent for any number of reasons. However, it's enough incentive for me to keep trying to not crack and keep watching for other correlations. Besides, who wouldn't prefer to having some sort of control over these wacky symptoms to just taking whatever luck provides?
That said, I know that my neck, back, shoulders, ankles, and knees all still crack, even if I try not to. I'll still be as good as I can be about avoiding it if I can. (Sometimes it hurts if I don't crack my back or neck.)
In other news, my work life has become unbelievably stressful in the past month. I know it's serious because I'm having asthma attacks at work in addition to all the unpleasantness. I'm on the brink of breaking down mentally from the pressures put upon me. I almost had a nervous breakdown during my lunchtime yoga session today! I would have thought yoga would help, but failing at all the demanding poses just added to my frustrations. I kept it together by realizing I couldn't easily justify a breakdown to my classmates. "It's just yoga!" I imagined they'd say. And they're right. Yoga, of all things, should not contribute to my stress, and it most certainly should not be allowed to be the straw that broke Benia's back! After pondering the ridiculousness of it all, I managed to get through it and deal. I knew I'd be better as soon as I'd gotten through it all and feel the accomplishment. I did notice a lot of muscle tension and cramping today, though. Probably due to the work stresses.
I know it's not right to let it affect me like this, but somehow I've gotten myself stuck in a terrible situation where I'm juggling several high-priority projects all at once and the rest of my team is doing the same. Personally, I think my boss has lost his marbles about what is physically possible, but how does one go about addressing this with the person who controls one's income and other important things? On paper, yeah - you go to your stressful person and say, hey, please lay off on the stressful stuff please. In reality, there's a lot of apprehension about doing that, worry about doing it wrong, worry about consequences that affect not only myself but others. Ugh... I will have better days. I just have to believe in that.
I'm doing what I can with what I've got for now. Hopefully I'll live to post another day...
This little experiment is by no means conclusive with regard to a cause and effect. I realize one month is not a large enough sample time to conclude the not cracking (much) prevents nerve pain, since the episodes can be very infrequent for any number of reasons. However, it's enough incentive for me to keep trying to not crack and keep watching for other correlations. Besides, who wouldn't prefer to having some sort of control over these wacky symptoms to just taking whatever luck provides?
That said, I know that my neck, back, shoulders, ankles, and knees all still crack, even if I try not to. I'll still be as good as I can be about avoiding it if I can. (Sometimes it hurts if I don't crack my back or neck.)
In other news, my work life has become unbelievably stressful in the past month. I know it's serious because I'm having asthma attacks at work in addition to all the unpleasantness. I'm on the brink of breaking down mentally from the pressures put upon me. I almost had a nervous breakdown during my lunchtime yoga session today! I would have thought yoga would help, but failing at all the demanding poses just added to my frustrations. I kept it together by realizing I couldn't easily justify a breakdown to my classmates. "It's just yoga!" I imagined they'd say. And they're right. Yoga, of all things, should not contribute to my stress, and it most certainly should not be allowed to be the straw that broke Benia's back! After pondering the ridiculousness of it all, I managed to get through it and deal. I knew I'd be better as soon as I'd gotten through it all and feel the accomplishment. I did notice a lot of muscle tension and cramping today, though. Probably due to the work stresses.
I know it's not right to let it affect me like this, but somehow I've gotten myself stuck in a terrible situation where I'm juggling several high-priority projects all at once and the rest of my team is doing the same. Personally, I think my boss has lost his marbles about what is physically possible, but how does one go about addressing this with the person who controls one's income and other important things? On paper, yeah - you go to your stressful person and say, hey, please lay off on the stressful stuff please. In reality, there's a lot of apprehension about doing that, worry about doing it wrong, worry about consequences that affect not only myself but others. Ugh... I will have better days. I just have to believe in that.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
The Mack Truck is Back
So I had two good weeks without many symptoms, feeling good and in control of things with diet and exercise happening and everything. Then Monday, something started up and I'm flaring up for some reason. Was I too greedy with doing things while feeling good that I triggered a flare by being too active and not resting?
Last night I was awake all night. Not so much as a nap came over me - all flippin' night. I tried relaxing in bed with ear plugs, without ear plugs, tried lying on my back, my sides, tried thinking of pleasant things. Nothing. Hours and hours of stressful thoughts about various things going on at work that have been bothering me lately kept creeping back into my mind and and I could not fall asleep. The stress broke me. I don't know what it is about the middle of the night, but I felt so hopeless and frustrated. I moved to the couch and read blog posts in my Google Reader on my phone to try to take my mind off things, since I'd given up on sleep. Forget work today. There's just no way. I am a wreck. I took a much-needed sick day.
It seems my abdominal area is tender and painful lately, mostly near the left side. Air bubbles or ulcers - I don't know any more. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, unless the tiny bits of apple I found in yesterday's fruit started something, but I picked them out. (I'm allergic to raw apple skins.) I just feel crappy. Then there's the back spasm in my right side that came back to life. Even the hydrocodone I took at bed time wasn't helping that. I wonder if the medication kept me up instead of making me drowsy. Side effects don't always make sense in my body.
I've been trying to stay on this side of the sane/crazy borderline, but last night I think I wandered over the line a bit. My mental state seems back in good enough order, but my body is stuck in physical disarray at the moment, and notice that it affects my thinking a bit.
As always, when I stay home due to illness, I can't help but feel the invisible pressure of all those chores and tasks I have to do. There is some compromise where I go and do a couple of easy things, but I have a hard time just resting, which is what I need to be doing. For instance, I have been meaning to update my WRAP and wish I would do that, but I know I should not be at the computer too long with this spasm screaming at me. I washed up our farm veggies (we have them delivered weekly from a local CSA, Wellhausen Farms) and made a healthy salad for lunch, but it took a very long time, and I was tempted to just grab something like cereal and leave it all undone. Despite all the healthy ingredients in my salad today, my belly is also complaining again and uncomfortable. I folded some laundry, too, because I knew it would nag at me if I didn't. Despite my fatigue, I cannot rest easily at all. This is one of the common frustrating symptoms of Fibromyalgia.
I hate that I can feel so great, then shitty, so quickly. It makes me feel bipolar in some ways. I was hoping I could coast through the summer feeling almost like a normal. I guess I had forgotten my limitations again and overdone it with activities. I will learn from this flare, just like with every flare, but I'm not enjoying this lesson. Ugh. Time for me to lie down. I hope my next post is more fun than this one.
Last night I was awake all night. Not so much as a nap came over me - all flippin' night. I tried relaxing in bed with ear plugs, without ear plugs, tried lying on my back, my sides, tried thinking of pleasant things. Nothing. Hours and hours of stressful thoughts about various things going on at work that have been bothering me lately kept creeping back into my mind and and I could not fall asleep. The stress broke me. I don't know what it is about the middle of the night, but I felt so hopeless and frustrated. I moved to the couch and read blog posts in my Google Reader on my phone to try to take my mind off things, since I'd given up on sleep. Forget work today. There's just no way. I am a wreck. I took a much-needed sick day.
It seems my abdominal area is tender and painful lately, mostly near the left side. Air bubbles or ulcers - I don't know any more. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, unless the tiny bits of apple I found in yesterday's fruit started something, but I picked them out. (I'm allergic to raw apple skins.) I just feel crappy. Then there's the back spasm in my right side that came back to life. Even the hydrocodone I took at bed time wasn't helping that. I wonder if the medication kept me up instead of making me drowsy. Side effects don't always make sense in my body.
I've been trying to stay on this side of the sane/crazy borderline, but last night I think I wandered over the line a bit. My mental state seems back in good enough order, but my body is stuck in physical disarray at the moment, and notice that it affects my thinking a bit.
As always, when I stay home due to illness, I can't help but feel the invisible pressure of all those chores and tasks I have to do. There is some compromise where I go and do a couple of easy things, but I have a hard time just resting, which is what I need to be doing. For instance, I have been meaning to update my WRAP and wish I would do that, but I know I should not be at the computer too long with this spasm screaming at me. I washed up our farm veggies (we have them delivered weekly from a local CSA, Wellhausen Farms) and made a healthy salad for lunch, but it took a very long time, and I was tempted to just grab something like cereal and leave it all undone. Despite all the healthy ingredients in my salad today, my belly is also complaining again and uncomfortable. I folded some laundry, too, because I knew it would nag at me if I didn't. Despite my fatigue, I cannot rest easily at all. This is one of the common frustrating symptoms of Fibromyalgia.
I hate that I can feel so great, then shitty, so quickly. It makes me feel bipolar in some ways. I was hoping I could coast through the summer feeling almost like a normal. I guess I had forgotten my limitations again and overdone it with activities. I will learn from this flare, just like with every flare, but I'm not enjoying this lesson. Ugh. Time for me to lie down. I hope my next post is more fun than this one.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Yogurt for Breakfast, Yoga for Lunch
Despite my continuing, daily IBS moments, I had a great time visiting the French Quarter of New Orleans last week! This was my third trip to the Quarter, my last one in May of 2005, before Hurricane Katrina hit. Luckily, things are pretty much the same again, though we noticed some of the smaller one-off businesses were replaced by those owned by one or more other businesses. Anyway, the food was delicious and there was plenty to drink as well. We are older now, so we had to cut back to just two meals per day. (I don't know how we used to do it eating all day long!) There was a lot of walking to do as well, and though Don worried I wouldn't be up to it, I made an extra effort to prove him wrong. I needed breaks, of course, but I still had a fun time! We took the train this time, too - a new experience for both of us. It was more fun than driving and less annoying than going through security at the airport. (We're boycotting the airlines until they stop being ridiculous to the passengers about all this TSA bullshit.) It was a long ride and both ways we traveled through the night. Sleeping on a train - let me rephrase that - TRYING to sleep on a train is not as much fun, but we survived and enjoyed the new experience.
Now the party's over and it's back to work and back on track with the healthy diet. I feel fatter then when I left, but hey, I was on vacation. Lack of stress is worth a weight-loss setback in my book.
I'm back in Calorie Count's Calorie Camp and logging my foods and studying my nutritional intake. Today, I started my day with a fun yogurt mix. At my house, we like to minimize waste and buy the large yogurt containers and get either plain or vanilla flavor. When it comes time to have some, we dress up dinners with plain wherever sour cream might be called for, or mix in some fruit or preserves for a sweet snack. I cut up a peach into a bowl, added some French Vanilla Stonyfield Farm yogurt, and sprinkled in some generic Grape Nuts for a fun breakfast. I'm still dealing with this darn IBS flare-up (no break during vacation either, unfortunately) so I'm hoping the probiotics and occasional yogurt will help calm things down eventually. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what causes my symptoms to flare-up or calm down. I'm speculating something slower or cumulative, multiple triggers are doing something, but it's so hard to pin it all down.
In addition to healthy diet efforts, I started my very first yoga session today, at lunchtime. (Note: my fibromyalgia doctor has recommended that I try some yoga and start slowly.) My employer has coordinated with a yoga instructor to come visit our building every Wednesday (starting last week, so I missed that first session) and welcome us to an hour-long session during our lunch hour. I had done yoga at home years before I developed Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, or IBS, or any of my other current health issues, but this was my first yoga class. It was good. I felt the work in muscles that aren't used to doing that much work. I shook and did some sweating. (Unfortunately, there are no shower facilities so I did my best with a change of clothes, a wet wipee "wash" and some deodorant.) I kept up with most of the poses and even opted for some of the extra challenge poses, but I did have to fall back on others here and there. I had the most trouble with my wrists after all the push-ups and hand support, but hopefully, I'll build up some strength over time. Overall, I'm happy with the convenience of the class and being able to enjoy it with my coworkers as well. The cost is $10 per session, which seems reasonable to me for the convenient scheduling. Our instructor was also nice and helpful in correcting posture when necessary. I'm looking forward to the next one.
I didn't have my traditional Whole Foods buffet salad today because of yoga today, but I planned ahead yesterday while there, and bought some self-mixed trail mix and a few nut/fruit bars I'd been meaning to try. I also brought a banana to work today. They all helped to keep me full and give me good nutrition with some fun flavors, while allowing me to graze while working.
I did, however, make the mistake of eating before the yoga session, though, which I did because I was hungry and wasn't thinking, but... NOTE TO SELF: when you have IBS that seems to act up whenever eating anything, be mindful of the timing of any activities that may keep you from a toilet. I managed to finish things up in time, but it was kind of close, and I felt a little off on the way to class. Next time I'll work out hungry and eat later. See? Learning. It's all good. I like progress, even slow progress. Anything's better than that downward spiral that can suck you down. I'm working hard to avoid that.
Now the party's over and it's back to work and back on track with the healthy diet. I feel fatter then when I left, but hey, I was on vacation. Lack of stress is worth a weight-loss setback in my book.
I'm back in Calorie Count's Calorie Camp and logging my foods and studying my nutritional intake. Today, I started my day with a fun yogurt mix. At my house, we like to minimize waste and buy the large yogurt containers and get either plain or vanilla flavor. When it comes time to have some, we dress up dinners with plain wherever sour cream might be called for, or mix in some fruit or preserves for a sweet snack. I cut up a peach into a bowl, added some French Vanilla Stonyfield Farm yogurt, and sprinkled in some generic Grape Nuts for a fun breakfast. I'm still dealing with this darn IBS flare-up (no break during vacation either, unfortunately) so I'm hoping the probiotics and occasional yogurt will help calm things down eventually. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what causes my symptoms to flare-up or calm down. I'm speculating something slower or cumulative, multiple triggers are doing something, but it's so hard to pin it all down.
In addition to healthy diet efforts, I started my very first yoga session today, at lunchtime. (Note: my fibromyalgia doctor has recommended that I try some yoga and start slowly.) My employer has coordinated with a yoga instructor to come visit our building every Wednesday (starting last week, so I missed that first session) and welcome us to an hour-long session during our lunch hour. I had done yoga at home years before I developed Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, or IBS, or any of my other current health issues, but this was my first yoga class. It was good. I felt the work in muscles that aren't used to doing that much work. I shook and did some sweating. (Unfortunately, there are no shower facilities so I did my best with a change of clothes, a wet wipee "wash" and some deodorant.) I kept up with most of the poses and even opted for some of the extra challenge poses, but I did have to fall back on others here and there. I had the most trouble with my wrists after all the push-ups and hand support, but hopefully, I'll build up some strength over time. Overall, I'm happy with the convenience of the class and being able to enjoy it with my coworkers as well. The cost is $10 per session, which seems reasonable to me for the convenient scheduling. Our instructor was also nice and helpful in correcting posture when necessary. I'm looking forward to the next one.
I didn't have my traditional Whole Foods buffet salad today because of yoga today, but I planned ahead yesterday while there, and bought some self-mixed trail mix and a few nut/fruit bars I'd been meaning to try. I also brought a banana to work today. They all helped to keep me full and give me good nutrition with some fun flavors, while allowing me to graze while working.
I did, however, make the mistake of eating before the yoga session, though, which I did because I was hungry and wasn't thinking, but... NOTE TO SELF: when you have IBS that seems to act up whenever eating anything, be mindful of the timing of any activities that may keep you from a toilet. I managed to finish things up in time, but it was kind of close, and I felt a little off on the way to class. Next time I'll work out hungry and eat later. See? Learning. It's all good. I like progress, even slow progress. Anything's better than that downward spiral that can suck you down. I'm working hard to avoid that.
Friday, May 4, 2012
More Smiles and Some Food
Despite the stress of a bathroom remodel that is taking for freakin' EVER, I am still doing remarkably well, considering how awful I was just a few months back. I am very grateful for the break from a lot of the pain I'd gotten used to just being there and changing every so often, just to keep reminding me that it's there. If it wasn't for the fatigue part and some minor IBS issues that come and go, my persisting Delayed Pressure Hives on my damned feet, and the pains that just come on suddenly here and there, I'd almost consider this as some sort of "remission" from Fibro. I'm not completely pain-free, but knowing how bad it can be, this is pretty easy to handle... and I'll take it.
I've been celebrating my feeling better with baking projects and more smiling. I whipped up another pumpkin pie a few weeks back, from the last of our local farm's sweet little pie pumpkins.
(We froze the pumpkin puree after cooking it in the oven.) It's my fourth pie ever and I think I finally have it down, give or take some variability due to the moisture factor of the puree. (I judge it by eye.) If it's too watery, the pie just has a more pudding consistency to it in the middle. It's still delicious and a fine way to end your day or start it. Who knew vitamin A could be so tasty! If you'd like the recipe I use, here it is. I modified it slightly. I don't bother removing the last egg's yolk, and I substituted the spices for 1.5 tsp. of a cheap, pre-packaged, pumpkin pie spice mix I picked up last fall that works great. I just skipped the cloves. (Bleh!)
After the pie was gone, I decided to make Oatmeal Craisin Cookies. I have a big box of generic Quick Oats that I usually keep at my work desk for a quick lunch, in case I'm crunched for time and hungry. I brought it home and made a batch of the cookies using the recipe on the box and substituting the raisins for dried cranberries (craisins) which we always keep for snacks or adding to breakfast. They went fast and were tasty.
This is the second time I've made the cookies and I notice that it's a bit messy to mix up all the thick ingredients. On top of that, my largest mixing bowl is not a mixing bowl at all. It's a cheap, plastic chip bowl from the dollar store and it's flimsy. I used it for this batch, but I decided I needed to get myself a nice, durable, glass mixing bowl that is large enough for the job. I noticed the chip bowl's capacity was still on the sticker on the bottom: 3.5 quarts, so I set out to find something either that size or larger, but made of durable, clear glass.
I decided on glass because I don't like the possibility of plastic bits getting scraped into the food by the mixer blades, plus I wanted something nice that would last and could be microwaved if need be, and is dishwasher safe. I prefer clear glass because it makes mixing easier when you can see where things are sticking to the sides and need scraping.
I came upon a great little store designed for parents who want to avoid exposing their kids to toxins. (Shouldn't that be everyone?) It's called Mighty Nest. They sell a lot of baby stuff and kid toys, but also kitchen and cooking items. And this online store is where I'd finally found the perfect mixing bowl and another one just a bit smaller that matches it, too. They are great! They are just what I needed and are shaped to perfectly fit into my cupboards, too. They are located in Evanston, IL, just a few towns away, too, so I didn't wait long for them to arrive. Bonus! I wonder what I'll whip up next.
Finally now that we've gone through all the sweet stuff, here's a little healthy stuff. Remember Calorie Camp? I'm still logging foods and tracking my calories and weight there. The more I log, the more information I have to learn how to improve my nutrition and be healthier. As I started looking at my analysis and seeing a pattern - too little fiber and protein, too much sugar. So I got proactive about it. On workdays, for lunch, I have been having big, healthy salads from the nearby Whole Foods Market. Why not? Making salad at home is nice, but takes a lot of effort (I still have trouble with the prep sometimes) and the food doesn't long. The way Don and I shop, we'll have produce for a couple days, then nothing for two weeks or so until we go grocery shopping again. It just wasn't working out.
So one day, I went to the salad bar at Whole Foods for lunch and picked out some great salad greens with spinach, bell peppers, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, broccoli, red quinoa, chickpeas, hard boiled egg, and a little Parmesan cheese, topped it off with balsamic vinaigrette, and enjoyed a POUND of food for under 500 calories. If I want to go out and eat less healthy stuff for dinner, at least I know I got my veggies and nutrients in for the day. Now I go every day and am getting a more balanced diet more frequently. It works out great and is worth the $7.99 per pound I'm paying to not have to go grocery shopping, chop stuff up, and pack it up for work every day. I know the food is fresh, there's plenty of variety available, and I can decide how much of what I need at the moment, when I am feeling it. Win-win-win!
Oh and I bring my own reusable bag and keep a real (non-disposable) fork at work so I don't have to make so much trash. The box is not reusable, but I like to bring the salad back to my desk and eat it most days, so I grab a paper box from the stack and use that. At least it's compostable. I also keep an old cloth napkin in my desk so I don't use so much paper. I just swap it out and wash it now and then. (It's not that hard to be green. Every bit helps.)
So I'm doing okay, enjoying life and food and trying to stay positive about my world. I'm hoping you are smiling.
I've been celebrating my feeling better with baking projects and more smiling. I whipped up another pumpkin pie a few weeks back, from the last of our local farm's sweet little pie pumpkins.
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| Benia's Pumpkin Pie |
After the pie was gone, I decided to make Oatmeal Craisin Cookies. I have a big box of generic Quick Oats that I usually keep at my work desk for a quick lunch, in case I'm crunched for time and hungry. I brought it home and made a batch of the cookies using the recipe on the box and substituting the raisins for dried cranberries (craisins) which we always keep for snacks or adding to breakfast. They went fast and were tasty.
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| Oatmeal Craisin Cookies... YUM! |
I decided on glass because I don't like the possibility of plastic bits getting scraped into the food by the mixer blades, plus I wanted something nice that would last and could be microwaved if need be, and is dishwasher safe. I prefer clear glass because it makes mixing easier when you can see where things are sticking to the sides and need scraping.
I came upon a great little store designed for parents who want to avoid exposing their kids to toxins. (Shouldn't that be everyone?) It's called Mighty Nest. They sell a lot of baby stuff and kid toys, but also kitchen and cooking items. And this online store is where I'd finally found the perfect mixing bowl and another one just a bit smaller that matches it, too. They are great! They are just what I needed and are shaped to perfectly fit into my cupboards, too. They are located in Evanston, IL, just a few towns away, too, so I didn't wait long for them to arrive. Bonus! I wonder what I'll whip up next.
Finally now that we've gone through all the sweet stuff, here's a little healthy stuff. Remember Calorie Camp? I'm still logging foods and tracking my calories and weight there. The more I log, the more information I have to learn how to improve my nutrition and be healthier. As I started looking at my analysis and seeing a pattern - too little fiber and protein, too much sugar. So I got proactive about it. On workdays, for lunch, I have been having big, healthy salads from the nearby Whole Foods Market. Why not? Making salad at home is nice, but takes a lot of effort (I still have trouble with the prep sometimes) and the food doesn't long. The way Don and I shop, we'll have produce for a couple days, then nothing for two weeks or so until we go grocery shopping again. It just wasn't working out.
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| My big salad from Whole Foods Market. I added a baby octopus to this one for fun and protein. Isn't it cute? |
Oh and I bring my own reusable bag and keep a real (non-disposable) fork at work so I don't have to make so much trash. The box is not reusable, but I like to bring the salad back to my desk and eat it most days, so I grab a paper box from the stack and use that. At least it's compostable. I also keep an old cloth napkin in my desk so I don't use so much paper. I just swap it out and wash it now and then. (It's not that hard to be green. Every bit helps.)
So I'm doing okay, enjoying life and food and trying to stay positive about my world. I'm hoping you are smiling.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Feeling Pretty Good
Just wanted to post quickly that I've been sleeping much better lately, and have not been experiencing so much pain as my previous "usual" most days. I've had twitches and headaches and the odd pains here and there (like what's with this TMJ soreness in the right side today and yesterday?), and still get fatigued somewhat easily, but with some pacing and caution, I seem to be doing okay at the moment. It's hard to remember to notice the days when I'm not dealing with 17 strange pains or other symptoms, but I do believe that it's important to stop and appreciate the absence of symptoms, whichever ones they may be.
Today, I was reminded of the back pain I would typically experience during any given day when I had a sudden, sharp, muscle spasm today at work. It made me realize that I'd been working more days, and have been feeling more "human" recently. By that I mean that I can smile, I can walk at a reasonable pace most of the time, and I can talk to people about various topics without being constantly distracted by various pains and discomfort and my next move to try to relieve it. As a caution, I took a half-tablet of a muscle relaxant and moved around a little. It seems to have helped, but I feel it wanting to stage a coup. My awareness of it lurking there will remind me to continue move around a little more than usual to prevent it from flaring up, hopefully. I've learned so much from my years of dealing with these random symptoms!
This is reminding me, once again, of a task I've been putting off for a while now: update my WRAP. My WRAP is my "Wellness Recovery Action Plan" and in it, I have details about how to proceed, when my fibro-fogged brain forgets, when I recognize a trigger for a flare-up, a mild flare-up, a major flare-up, and everything in between. What has worked for me and what hasn't? This is my reference for me and anyone in my household who may need help figuring out what to do when things happen to a chronic pain sufferer like myself. It's good to have one just for yourself, too. But definitely keep it in sight, or it will escape you in moments of need. Take it from me. I have forgotten, plenty of times, what I should do next during times of crisis.
Once I make the updates, I'll be sure to share with you all so you can create your own reference. Having to update the information feels like a kind of a graduation of sorts. I had limited experience with Fibromyalgia when I first wrote it, but now that I've kind of been around the block and figured out my body a little better, it's time to improve it with more current information.
Things are busy at work, as always, and life at home is plenty busy as well. I do, however, feel like I am able to do more around the house lately. My personal to-do list, however, is not getting much shorter for some reason. I wonder if part of the reason I'm feeling better is that I'm forcing myself to do less after a long workday. I may have to test that theory out and see if doing one or two things in the evening is safe for me to do. My energy limits seem to be a moving target, so this will be an experiment.
I'm going to follow my own advice and do just one thing on my list tonight. Wish me luck!
Today, I was reminded of the back pain I would typically experience during any given day when I had a sudden, sharp, muscle spasm today at work. It made me realize that I'd been working more days, and have been feeling more "human" recently. By that I mean that I can smile, I can walk at a reasonable pace most of the time, and I can talk to people about various topics without being constantly distracted by various pains and discomfort and my next move to try to relieve it. As a caution, I took a half-tablet of a muscle relaxant and moved around a little. It seems to have helped, but I feel it wanting to stage a coup. My awareness of it lurking there will remind me to continue move around a little more than usual to prevent it from flaring up, hopefully. I've learned so much from my years of dealing with these random symptoms!
This is reminding me, once again, of a task I've been putting off for a while now: update my WRAP. My WRAP is my "Wellness Recovery Action Plan" and in it, I have details about how to proceed, when my fibro-fogged brain forgets, when I recognize a trigger for a flare-up, a mild flare-up, a major flare-up, and everything in between. What has worked for me and what hasn't? This is my reference for me and anyone in my household who may need help figuring out what to do when things happen to a chronic pain sufferer like myself. It's good to have one just for yourself, too. But definitely keep it in sight, or it will escape you in moments of need. Take it from me. I have forgotten, plenty of times, what I should do next during times of crisis.
Once I make the updates, I'll be sure to share with you all so you can create your own reference. Having to update the information feels like a kind of a graduation of sorts. I had limited experience with Fibromyalgia when I first wrote it, but now that I've kind of been around the block and figured out my body a little better, it's time to improve it with more current information.Things are busy at work, as always, and life at home is plenty busy as well. I do, however, feel like I am able to do more around the house lately. My personal to-do list, however, is not getting much shorter for some reason. I wonder if part of the reason I'm feeling better is that I'm forcing myself to do less after a long workday. I may have to test that theory out and see if doing one or two things in the evening is safe for me to do. My energy limits seem to be a moving target, so this will be an experiment.
I'm going to follow my own advice and do just one thing on my list tonight. Wish me luck!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What makes you laugh?
Dumb, silly moments will, though I cannot explain why, sometimes send me into a giggle fit that recurs for hours.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Stressing and Pacing with FMS
My last post showed you how I look when my face gets all hot and red. I've been noticing that's died down a bit now, thankfully, though I still notice hot flushes. Actually, maybe I'm just getting used to it and noticing it less, rather than the actual occurrences being reduced. At any rate, I don't always check how red I look now. I just wait it out and go about my business. I'm usually at work when it happens, so I have plenty of distractions.
Speaking of work (well, writing of work, I guess), it's been quite ridiculous with all the meetings, tight deadlines, and lots of work to do and no time to be at my desk to actually do it because of all the damned meetings! I am working on a new, very important project that is expected to be delivered in a few months and things are moving quickly on it. I guess that would be fine if it weren't for the other, usual work things that come up, and if I didn't have to deal with chronic health issues - all at the same time. In addition, there are other things going on in my life - loved ones with health issues and strained family relationships - that are adding to the stress pile.
The net effect of all this stress is that my body has been nagging me about taking a break. Meanwhile, I've been asking it to please wait for a better time to argue with me. Well, I give up. Today's the day. Okay, body? After I post this blog entry, I'm going to bed to rest. All day! That's going to have to do. I have too much going on to spare more than a day at a time. I also don't get paid for this time off, so I don't want financial stresses added to my pile. It's a bit of a catch-22 that way. Anyway, I'm willing to compromise with this day and see how long it gets me. Next week's work schedule is nuts all over again, so I'll have to be ready. If I'm not, there's going to have to be some rescheduling, I guess. It's nothing I haven't done before, but I really hate the feeling. I guess I need to get over that.
It's like I keep telling my friends: I can't help anyone else until I help myself. Remember the oxygen masks on the airplane. They instruct adults to put on their own masks first, then help their kids or others. If you faint, you can't help anyone. I try to picture that during times like this. I need to listen to my own advice more often. I'm still learning how to live with this fibrobeast.
Speaking of work (well, writing of work, I guess), it's been quite ridiculous with all the meetings, tight deadlines, and lots of work to do and no time to be at my desk to actually do it because of all the damned meetings! I am working on a new, very important project that is expected to be delivered in a few months and things are moving quickly on it. I guess that would be fine if it weren't for the other, usual work things that come up, and if I didn't have to deal with chronic health issues - all at the same time. In addition, there are other things going on in my life - loved ones with health issues and strained family relationships - that are adding to the stress pile.
The net effect of all this stress is that my body has been nagging me about taking a break. Meanwhile, I've been asking it to please wait for a better time to argue with me. Well, I give up. Today's the day. Okay, body? After I post this blog entry, I'm going to bed to rest. All day! That's going to have to do. I have too much going on to spare more than a day at a time. I also don't get paid for this time off, so I don't want financial stresses added to my pile. It's a bit of a catch-22 that way. Anyway, I'm willing to compromise with this day and see how long it gets me. Next week's work schedule is nuts all over again, so I'll have to be ready. If I'm not, there's going to have to be some rescheduling, I guess. It's nothing I haven't done before, but I really hate the feeling. I guess I need to get over that.
It's like I keep telling my friends: I can't help anyone else until I help myself. Remember the oxygen masks on the airplane. They instruct adults to put on their own masks first, then help their kids or others. If you faint, you can't help anyone. I try to picture that during times like this. I need to listen to my own advice more often. I'm still learning how to live with this fibrobeast.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Switching to Savella - Done?
Yesterday I felt relatively "normal" (for me) and I think the brain zaps are pretty much through with me, finally. I am still dealing with some odd sensations and discomfort, but after what I've been through, I've decided to try to keep looking forward and enjoy the progress I've made.
Although, to be honest, I have noticed I'm a bit cranky at work today. That could have nothing to do with the meds, though, as quite a few people on my team are missing and stuff is piling up and feeling a bit overwhelming. I'm doing my best to just pick something and do it so I can get it off my list. That's the best strategy I've ever been able to implement for dealing with having way too much on my plate. Just do one thing at a time until it's done and don't worry about the new things being added. A Benia's work is never done. ;)
I don't really want to admit this, but I have had some very minor nausea this morning. I grabbed one of my sugared ginger cubes from my stash and sucked on that for a bit, which helped. I have been nauseated for no apparent reason before the switch, so it could be nothing, but the top side effect of Savella mentioned by both my doctor and the medication information leaflet is nausea. Remembering how terrible the nausea was with Cymbalta, however, still makes me feel like this is going to be just fine.
Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I've been noticing some fast heartbeats and possible palpitations since starting on Savella. It's one of the possible side effects, but it was also possible with Pristiq, my old SNRI. I have been susceptible to tachycardia since I was a teenager, when I had my first scary episode, though no doctor could tell me why. It could be that Savella is exascerbating that now, but hopefully it won't last too long. The worst time is when I'm trying to sleep and I feel my heart just pounding away like a disco beat.
So, with this mostly behind me, I'm going to get my focus back on getting my tubby body back into some sort of shape. I'm trying to get back on my Baby Steps wagon, and have been trying new ways to strengthen my muscles - starting very slowly, of course. I felt some soreness in new places from the new exercises, which was a bit of a reward for me. I am also trying to get out in the sunshine and walk more, too, while summer's still here.
Hope these posts will help someone, either now or in the future!
UPDATE: See this important post as a follow-up to this withdrawal nightmare: https://xsarenkax.blogspot.com/2011/07/switching-to-savella-guess-who-called.html
Although, to be honest, I have noticed I'm a bit cranky at work today. That could have nothing to do with the meds, though, as quite a few people on my team are missing and stuff is piling up and feeling a bit overwhelming. I'm doing my best to just pick something and do it so I can get it off my list. That's the best strategy I've ever been able to implement for dealing with having way too much on my plate. Just do one thing at a time until it's done and don't worry about the new things being added. A Benia's work is never done. ;)
I don't really want to admit this, but I have had some very minor nausea this morning. I grabbed one of my sugared ginger cubes from my stash and sucked on that for a bit, which helped. I have been nauseated for no apparent reason before the switch, so it could be nothing, but the top side effect of Savella mentioned by both my doctor and the medication information leaflet is nausea. Remembering how terrible the nausea was with Cymbalta, however, still makes me feel like this is going to be just fine.
Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I've been noticing some fast heartbeats and possible palpitations since starting on Savella. It's one of the possible side effects, but it was also possible with Pristiq, my old SNRI. I have been susceptible to tachycardia since I was a teenager, when I had my first scary episode, though no doctor could tell me why. It could be that Savella is exascerbating that now, but hopefully it won't last too long. The worst time is when I'm trying to sleep and I feel my heart just pounding away like a disco beat.
So, with this mostly behind me, I'm going to get my focus back on getting my tubby body back into some sort of shape. I'm trying to get back on my Baby Steps wagon, and have been trying new ways to strengthen my muscles - starting very slowly, of course. I felt some soreness in new places from the new exercises, which was a bit of a reward for me. I am also trying to get out in the sunshine and walk more, too, while summer's still here.
Hope these posts will help someone, either now or in the future!
UPDATE: See this important post as a follow-up to this withdrawal nightmare: https://xsarenkax.blogspot.com/2011/07/switching-to-savella-guess-who-called.html
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Switching to Savella - Day 5
I've been working from home again today and I noticed the brain zaps are getting less frequent, perhaps because I've been at the computer most of the day. I'll take it, whatever the reason. My abdominal issues are still there on a low level, too, but I've been managing and trying not to listen to the gurgles or think about it too much.
Last night I noticed I felt this odd kind of restless, unsettled, discomfort feeling in my body. At first I couldn't find a comfortable position for my feet while watching TV, but then I realized I was trying to shake off some sort of vague feeling I couldn't name. I don't know if this is related to the drugs at all, but I'm noting it anyway because it's weird. I felt like I wanted to get away and go to bed, but when I did, the feeling followed me there, too. I am still having some of this now. I may need to try to move around more to distract my body.
I am getting better at handling the temperature issues, I think. Last night I was baking up some banana bread muffins even though the weather this week has been near the 100 degree mark with all kinds of cautions about it and everything. I managed to make the muffins and make some salad for dinner, too. I was tired, but I felt useful, which was good for my mental state.
I also went to bed without my jammy pants, though I still needed the shirt and socks. Plus I was okay with not being buried in the blanket. That's an improvement. I ended up waking up at 3am, though, with a headache and inability to get comfortable, so I didn't get much sleep. It may just be my normal insomnia combined with odd sleeping temperatures and other factors, like the headache and bellyache. I got up at 4am when I realized sleep wouldn't be back so my husband could get some sleep.
The good news is that I managed to shower AND get dressed in real clothes today - not just swaddling clothes, like for the past few days. I even brushed and did my hair! It's almost like I'm a real person again.
Then I went outside, picked up the mail, and looked around our yard a bit. Our poor plants are all so tired from the drought and heat, even though they are hardy natives, many of them prairie plants. Still, there was life to be found, though, while bumblebees, dragonflies, damselflies, cicadas, birds, and even baby bunnies all went about their business collecting food and doing whatever else they need to do in our little yard. After meandering our path for few minutes, I went back inside to get back to work. (The release looks like it might go well.)
I have not yet heard anything back from my doctor. :P
If all goes well tonight and tomorrow morning, I just might be able to drive into the office for work tomorrow. Won't that be something! No promises yet, though. There's no telling what's around the next corner when it comes to this kind of stuff. Stay tuned...
Last night I noticed I felt this odd kind of restless, unsettled, discomfort feeling in my body. At first I couldn't find a comfortable position for my feet while watching TV, but then I realized I was trying to shake off some sort of vague feeling I couldn't name. I don't know if this is related to the drugs at all, but I'm noting it anyway because it's weird. I felt like I wanted to get away and go to bed, but when I did, the feeling followed me there, too. I am still having some of this now. I may need to try to move around more to distract my body.
I am getting better at handling the temperature issues, I think. Last night I was baking up some banana bread muffins even though the weather this week has been near the 100 degree mark with all kinds of cautions about it and everything. I managed to make the muffins and make some salad for dinner, too. I was tired, but I felt useful, which was good for my mental state.
I also went to bed without my jammy pants, though I still needed the shirt and socks. Plus I was okay with not being buried in the blanket. That's an improvement. I ended up waking up at 3am, though, with a headache and inability to get comfortable, so I didn't get much sleep. It may just be my normal insomnia combined with odd sleeping temperatures and other factors, like the headache and bellyache. I got up at 4am when I realized sleep wouldn't be back so my husband could get some sleep.
The good news is that I managed to shower AND get dressed in real clothes today - not just swaddling clothes, like for the past few days. I even brushed and did my hair! It's almost like I'm a real person again.
Then I went outside, picked up the mail, and looked around our yard a bit. Our poor plants are all so tired from the drought and heat, even though they are hardy natives, many of them prairie plants. Still, there was life to be found, though, while bumblebees, dragonflies, damselflies, cicadas, birds, and even baby bunnies all went about their business collecting food and doing whatever else they need to do in our little yard. After meandering our path for few minutes, I went back inside to get back to work. (The release looks like it might go well.)
I have not yet heard anything back from my doctor. :P
If all goes well tonight and tomorrow morning, I just might be able to drive into the office for work tomorrow. Won't that be something! No promises yet, though. There's no telling what's around the next corner when it comes to this kind of stuff. Stay tuned...
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