Great Overview Video of FMS

Today I came across a great video.  It's a doctor giving a presentation about Fibromyalgia.  He describes what it is, what it isn't, how it's diagnosed, how it's treated, what patients experience, how Fibromyalgia pain has been studied and measured to be different than in other people.  There are detailed descriptions of many topics and lots of tips on treatment (especially non-drug treatments) and I even learned a few things.  At the very least, my foggy brain was reminded of things I'd forgotten I knew.

As I watched, I found this video to be a useful educational tool for both Fibromyalgia patients and their loved ones alike.  Direct people who are confused about FMS to this video, especially to certain areas relevant to the questions that perhaps you cannot find the right words to explain.  It's an hour and a half long, so if they really want to know, they'll watch.  That said, you may need to take breaks and watch it in manageable chunks.  I also suggest keeping a pad and pen nearby, for any notes you may want to jot down for yourself. There is also a question-and-answer segment at the end as well with questions from the audience. 

I've been diagnosed for over four years now, and have been experiencing chronic pain for over five years.  Having read and learned so much since then about Fibromyalgia, I must say that watching this overview was a great review that kind of puts all the pieces together nicely. 

I realize, though, that not all aspects of the condition are mentioned in this presentation.  For instance, pacing and stress are briefly mentioned, but not given as much time as they might deserve, if relating the portion of time in the video vs. importance in a fibromite's world.  He also doesn't go into great detail about every last symptom that might be grouped into the syndrome, though he picks several of the big ones.  This is a pretty detailed overview of the condition with what we know about it now.   Hopefully we will learn more in the coming years about the cause and better ways to treat or (dare to dream) cure it.

I hope you enjoy this video and learn something from it.  Share as needed.  I also hope that friends and family members of Fibromyalgia patients, and perhaps others in the medical community or general population, will watch at least some portion of this video and try to understand this confounding syndrome which, even Dr. Gross admits, doesn't really belong in any particular medical category because it affects everything.

Fibromyalgia: It's Real It's Manageable What You Can Do

More Smiles and Some Food

Despite the stress of a bathroom remodel that is taking for freakin' EVER, I am still doing remarkably well, considering how awful I was just a few months back.  I am very grateful for the break from a lot of the pain I'd gotten used to just being there and changing every so often, just to keep reminding me that it's there.  If it wasn't for the fatigue part and some minor IBS issues that come and go, my persisting Delayed Pressure Hives on my damned feet, and the pains that just come on suddenly here and there, I'd almost consider this as some sort of "remission" from Fibro.  I'm not completely pain-free, but knowing how bad it can be, this is pretty easy to handle... and I'll take it.

I've been celebrating my feeling better with baking projects and more smiling.  I whipped up another pumpkin pie a few weeks back, from the last of our local farm's sweet little pie pumpkins.  

Benia's Pumpkin Pie

(We froze the pumpkin puree after cooking it in the oven.)  It's my fourth pie ever and I think I finally have it down, give or take some variability due to the moisture factor of the puree.  (I judge it by eye.)  If it's too watery, the pie just has a more pudding consistency to it in the middle.  It's still delicious and a fine way to end your day or start it.  Who knew vitamin A could be so tasty!  If you'd like the recipe I use, here it is.  I modified it slightly.  I don't bother removing the last egg's yolk, and I substituted the spices for 1.5 tsp. of a cheap, pre-packaged, pumpkin pie spice mix I picked up last fall that works great.  I just skipped the cloves.  (Bleh!)

After the pie was gone, I decided to make Oatmeal Craisin Cookies.  I have a big box of generic Quick Oats that I usually keep at my work desk for a quick lunch, in case I'm crunched for time and hungry.  I brought it home and made a batch of the cookies using the recipe on the box and substituting the raisins for dried cranberries (craisins) which we always keep for snacks or adding to breakfast.  They went fast and were tasty. 

Oatmeal Craisin Cookies... YUM!

This is the second time I've made the cookies and I notice that it's a bit messy to mix up all the thick ingredients.  On top of that, my largest mixing bowl is not a mixing bowl at all.  It's a cheap, plastic chip bowl from the dollar store and it's flimsy.  I used it for this batch, but I decided I needed to get myself a nice, durable, glass mixing bowl that is large enough for the job.  I noticed the chip bowl's capacity was still on the sticker on the bottom: 3.5 quarts, so I set out to find something either that size or larger, but made of durable, clear glass. 

I decided on glass because I don't like the possibility of plastic bits getting scraped into the food by the mixer blades, plus I wanted something nice that would last and could be microwaved if need be, and is dishwasher safe.  I prefer clear glass because it makes mixing easier when you can see where things are sticking to the sides and need scraping. 

I came upon a great little store designed for parents who want to avoid exposing their kids to toxins.  (Shouldn't that be everyone?)  It's called Mighty Nest.  They sell a lot of baby stuff and kid toys, but also kitchen and cooking items.  And this online store is where I'd finally found the perfect mixing bowl and another one just a bit smaller that matches it, too.  They are great!  They are just what I needed and are shaped to perfectly fit into my cupboards, too.  They are located in Evanston, IL, just a few towns away, too, so I didn't wait long for them to arrive.  Bonus!  I wonder what I'll whip up next.

Finally now that we've gone through all the sweet stuff, here's a little healthy stuff.  Remember Calorie Camp?  I'm still logging foods and tracking my calories and weight there.  The more I log, the more information I have to learn how to improve my nutrition and be healthier.  As I started looking at my analysis and seeing a pattern - too little fiber and protein, too much sugar.  So I got proactive about it.  On workdays, for lunch, I have been having big, healthy salads from the nearby Whole Foods Market.  Why not?  Making salad at home is nice, but takes a lot of effort (I still have trouble with the prep sometimes) and the food doesn't long.  The way Don and I shop, we'll have produce for a couple days, then nothing for two weeks or so until we go grocery shopping again.  It just wasn't working out. 

My big salad from Whole Foods Market.  I added a baby octopus to this one for fun and protein.  Isn't it cute?

So one day, I went to the salad bar at Whole Foods for lunch and picked out some great salad greens with spinach, bell peppers, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, broccoli, red quinoa, chickpeas, hard boiled egg, and a little Parmesan cheese, topped it off with balsamic vinaigrette, and enjoyed a POUND of food for under 500 calories.  If I want to go out and eat less healthy stuff for dinner,  at least I know I got my veggies and nutrients in for the day.  Now I go every day and am getting a more balanced diet more frequently.  It works out great and is worth the $7.99 per pound I'm paying to not have to go grocery shopping, chop stuff up, and pack it up for work every day.  I know the food is fresh, there's plenty of variety available, and I can decide how much of what I need at the moment, when I am feeling it.  Win-win-win! 

Oh and I bring my own reusable bag and keep a real (non-disposable) fork at work so I don't have to make so much trash.  The box is not reusable, but I like to bring the salad back to my desk and eat it most days, so I grab a paper box from the stack and use that.  At least it's compostable.  I also keep an old cloth napkin in my desk so I don't use so much paper.  I just swap it out and wash it now and then.  (It's not that hard to be green.  Every bit helps.)

So I'm doing okay, enjoying life and food and trying to stay positive about my world.  I'm hoping you are smiling.

Losing Weight with Calorie Count and Calorie Camp

Fed up with my tight pants and unflattering photos like this one,

Me and my gut on last July's Beercation

I decided to get back on my Calorie Count account a few weeks ago to keep track of what I'm eating.  I thought having a food log would also come in handy in doing detective work for my recent IBS symptoms, especially since I've been learning about FODMAPs in foods and which ones may be affecting me.

I discovered there is a Calorie Count mobile application available, which is handy for logging foods on the go.  After logging a suggestion via the mobile app to request a sharing feature on the app, I received a developer reply from the site about a beta version of the non-mobile site, called "Calorie Camp" and was given a link to get on and start using it and testing.  It's a way to share a day's report of foods and activities with others on the site (your buddies).  We support each other with comments and earn badges for doing things right.  I like it a lot!  Until now, I've basically been going it alone, with the exception of letting Don know about my goals.  Having a peanut gallery of people cheering me on online seems to make a difference for me.

I've been on and off Calorie Count for years since discovering it and creating my account, but it's always been a bit of a chore to count calories.  I would lose a little, then wing it, then go "oh yeah, Calorie Count" and get back on again.  With Calorie Camp, I actually find that I want to log, share, and comment with my buddies online.  I want to earn those dumb little badges.  I also like seeing my nutritional analysis (it's very detailed) and striving to choose healthier foods based on the nutrients I seem to lack.  Most of all, I really like the fact that being aware of what I put into my mouth has caused me to maintain a proper level of calories (on average) to actually lose a couple pounds since I've started up again recently.  I want to weigh myself!

This is my favorite thing to look at on the entire site - my own, personal Weight Log graph:

Keep in mind that this graph represent a whole year's worth of time, so the net loss over a year is not too impressive to most people (less than 10 lbs thus far), but I just love the slope anyway.  It's encouraging and empowering.  I made this happen!

That top weight pushing 160 on the left scared me into resetting my Calorie Count goals again last year.  I set things up and left my goals intact for many months while kind of being cognizant of my need to shed some weight but not really logging regularly.  Then, last July, I went on Beercation in Wisconsin with my husband and apparently overindulged quite a bit over that week or so.  (See that double spike over Jul 2011?)  I had a great time, but I came back looking kind of like a potato sack.  (See first photo above.)

The plateau at the bottom right of that little mountain is about where I started up on Calorie Camp beta.  Except for the final upturn from today's weigh-in (I went to a party last weekend and nibbled a bit too much), I've been losing weight, nice and slow, the way I'm supposed to.  The green, dashed line is the trend line, which ignores the minor blips in the blue line of my actual weigh-in actual data.  I'm hoping I can continue with the downward slope.  I have a long way to go yet, but at least it's downhill now and the slope is getting steeper.

If you're already on Calorie Count or want to sign up for your own account, feel free to be my buddy.  If you're interested in beta testing Calorie Camp, especially if you like giving technical feedback, Igor is the guy you want to contact.  Here is the forum about Calorie Camp.

One last thing.  My IBS flare up has finally calmed down in the past few days.  I'm hoping the FODMAP research and diligence has been a factor.  It's a theory that finally makes sense to me and seems to be making a positive impact on how I feel.

Switching to Savella - Done?

Yesterday I felt relatively "normal" (for me) and I think the brain zaps are pretty much through with me, finally. I am still dealing with some odd sensations and discomfort, but after what I've been through, I've decided to try to keep looking forward and enjoy the progress I've made.

Although, to be honest, I have noticed I'm a bit cranky at work today. That could have nothing to do with the meds, though, as quite a few people on my team are missing and stuff is piling up and feeling a bit overwhelming. I'm doing my best to just pick something and do it so I can get it off my list. That's the best strategy I've ever been able to implement for dealing with having way too much on my plate. Just do one thing at a time until it's done and don't worry about the new things being added. A Benia's work is never done. ;)

I don't really want to admit this, but I have had some very minor nausea this morning. I grabbed one of my sugared ginger cubes from my stash and sucked on that for a bit, which helped. I have been nauseated for no apparent reason before the switch, so it could be nothing, but the top side effect of Savella mentioned by both my doctor and the medication information leaflet is nausea. Remembering how terrible the nausea was with Cymbalta, however, still makes me feel like this is going to be just fine.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I've been noticing some fast heartbeats and possible palpitations since starting on Savella. It's one of the possible side effects, but it was also possible with Pristiq, my old SNRI. I have been susceptible to tachycardia since I was a teenager, when I had my first scary episode, though no doctor could tell me why. It could be that Savella is exascerbating that now, but hopefully it won't last too long. The worst time is when I'm trying to sleep and I feel my heart just pounding away like a disco beat.

So, with this mostly behind me, I'm going to get my focus back on getting my tubby body back into some sort of shape. I'm trying to get back on my Baby Steps wagon, and have been trying new ways to strengthen my muscles - starting very slowly, of course. I felt some soreness in new places from the new exercises, which was a bit of a reward for me. I am also trying to get out in the sunshine and walk more, too, while summer's still here.

Hope these posts will help someone, either now or in the future!

UPDATE: See this important post as a follow-up to this withdrawal nightmare: https://xsarenkax.blogspot.com/2011/07/switching-to-savella-guess-who-called.html

A Pain in the Butt

I've finally moved up to 10+6 of my Baby Steps Workouts - yay me! 10+6 = 10 wall push-ups, 10 sit-ups, 6 free weight arm lifting moves on each arm, and 6 minutes on my elliptical machine, all done daily (mostly).

However, I'm noticing that my daily sit-ups may be causing my tailbone (coccyx) to become sore. I'm having a hard time sitting on hard surfaces. I do my sit-ups on carpeted flooring, and I feel the soreness during each sit-up, which is why I suspect these exercises are behind this pain in the behind.  I will try using a cushion to see if that helps. I don't want any excuses to keep me from continuing to make progress with my workouts.

Although I haven't lost much weight yet, my fat percentage has gone down from 38% in January to 32% in April. This is actually going according to my plan! (Remember getting on the wagons?) Once I get my muscles strengthened up and my metabolism increased, I'll start worrying more about my actual weight. So far, I'm on the right track, so I'm very happy about that. I'm also feeling pretty proud of myself for being able to sustain a daily workout routine. When I started, I could do the 1 wall push-up and 1 sit-up daily, but I've progressed and feel stronger now. Doing 6 whole minutes on the elliptical now is actually feeling more like a workout (for me) but I notice I'm able to go at a faster pace and keep it up much better now. I'm thrilled about this.

If there are fibromites out there reading this post and think they can't work out at all, please try a progressive workout that starts with just one little thing a day. It only takes a second to do a wall push-up and you can do it wherever you find a wall. It feels really good to have done it and it's very easy to start with. Each week (or whenever you're ready) you can add one more to the daily routine. Go at your own pace. Do it for YOU! You'll feel better about yourself and build up your strength at the same time. If you're doing your own workout, leave a comment and let me know about it. I'd love to hear from you.

Tomorrow I Move On to "Baby Steps 10+3"

Baby Steps 10+3 = 10 wall push-ups, 10 sit-ups, 10 leg lifts (using Don's weight bench), 3 arm lifts (each), 3 minutes on elliptical machine.

I've spent about 3 weeks, off and on, on the 10+2 stage, because I was having so much abdominal pain, diarrhea, and feeling like a Mack truck wreck for much of that time. BUT, since I've finally rebounded out of that IBS flare (until I find out otherwise, I'm considering it a severe IBS flare), I'm right back on track with my workout routine, and I think it's been very beneficial to me overall.

Although the weight of the abdominal trouble has finally been lifted and I am still kind of high on the feeling of NOT being in abdominal hell on a constant basis, I do still have Fibromyalgia and the pains and symptoms that go along with it.

Pacing is still an issue: I have spasms in my back if I sit too long at work without getting up and moving around, and the bones in my left arm and both legs have been very achy lately. I am dealing well with these symptoms lately, because, as I mentioned, I'm riding the high of finally being relieved of the digestive wreck that has been taking over my life since August. But I acknowledge that I'm still a chronically ill person and need to take special care not to forget and cause an unnecessary flare up.

So, I am maintaining my promise to myself to continue to slowly progress with my strength and endurance, so I can do more without triggering a flare, feel better about myself, and hopefully (eventually) manage to lose of some of this extra weight I've put on since last year. By going slowly, I've been able to feel good about achieving my daily goal every day, which is a nice feeling, and I've been able to take care to keep within my own abilities without overdoing things.

So, I've moved up from 1 wall push-up and 1 sit-up per day, back in November, all the way up to 10 each every day. After that, I added other types of activities to exercise other muscle groups and add stamina. So, I maintain the wall push-ups at 10 each day and the sit-ups at 10 each day, but now I've added leg lifts (with a very light weight), arm lifts (again, using a very light weight), and minutes on the elliptical machine that I used to use so much more before I got sick.

I've started at 1 each for these three new exercises, but a few days ago, I thought I'd see if I can do 10 of the leg lifts, since it felt too easy to do just 2 every day. The next day, I woke up with both legs feeling this awful ache, deep in the bone, all the way from the hips to the toes. I couldn't even lie in the bed comfortably, no matter how my legs were positioned. BUT, I made it through the day and am doing better. No real flare-up. I'm still doing 10 leg lifts every day now, while maintaining the gradual progression on the arm lifts and elliptical minutes.

Tomorrow, I am starting a week of 10+3. It's been several weeks since I've been able to progress much (other than the crazy step-skipping I did with the leg lifts), but I'm excited to keep increasing and maintaining. I feel stronger and better able to deal with the daily routines than I did before starting the program. I can walk at a pace that doesn't scream "granny" and hold up a crowd (as badly as before) and can more easily handle the daily routine as well as the variable tasks or events that are added to the day now and then.

I'm kinda proud.

In fact, sometimes, after getting all the exercises completed, I give myself a little pat on the back, just to make sure I remember to feel good about something as I start my day. No matter what else happens, I'll know that I, at least, was able to get my workout in.

Success! :)

10 + 2 > 12: Baby Steps Modification

So it's week 12 of my "Baby Steps" workout regimen. I've been keeping up with my obligations for the most part, despite being in miserable IBS hell for the past few weeks and in gastritis hell for several months before that. I've only missed 1.5 days of exercise so far (yesterday I only some of what I should have for the day). I think that deserves horn-tooting.

When I reached week 10, I realized that I was having more and more difficulty getting the 10 sit-ups done in one session, so I discussed possible adjustments to my plan with my husband, Don. What I came up with was a neat way for me to maintain my regular progression while adding other types of exercises to my workouts.

So here's what I'm doing each day this week:

• 10 wall push-ups
• 10 sit-ups
• 2 minutes of ellipical exercise
• 2 lifts of my 5 lb. weight for each arm
• 2 leg lifts using a very light weight on Don's weight bench

Next week, starting on Sunday, all the 2s above will be 3s while the 10s will remain at 10 until I'm comfortable adding any more to those exercises.

What I like about the adjustment is that I'm still working muscles but I'm also doing some cardio to help improve my stamina, exercise my heart muscle, and keep my blood flowing.

I am frequently tempted to skip the workouts lately because of pain and discomfort (imagine having belly cramps and deciding to do sit-ups), but I have convinced myself that I'll feel better if I do the exercises than if I skip them. I feel more like a winner than a loser this way.

On top of the great feeling of accomplishment I have for getting this far, i weighed in this morning a pound or so lighter. It may very well have been due to a loss of appetite lately, as I have not been able to stomach eating much lately, knowing that I'm going to see my meal again in several hours, along with some nasty increased cramping and distress. If I don't eat, my guts don't seem to complain as much. If I keep working out, though, I'm hoping to build back more muscle. That is my first goal. Weight loss will come later.

What kind of exercises are my fibromite friends out there doing? Do you have any tips you'd like to share with me and my readers? Please comment below.

Week 8 of Baby Steps

I'm on week 8 of the Baby Steps workout routine and still making it, despite crazy fatigue and feeling blah.

  

Here is a photo of my little notes (along with some of my friends: Wellington the bear, Chiki the monkey, and "the Lion" who gets hidden by Don or me for the other one to find) that I posted on my bedroom mirror to remind me to do my exercises each day.  I add an increment each week, draw a large number, write the date range for the week on top, and just stick it on top of the others.  (Yes, it's getting thick.) 

I'm also noticing a few quirky things that may or may not have to do with my increasing my exercises.  

When I turn over in bed or try to get comfortable in a new position, once I settle, I notice I get these muscle twitches in my torso.  This is the first time I've been able to associate any of my muscle twitches to anything I've done or that happens to my body.  I still get the random twitches everywhere else - arm, eye, lip, leg, toe, butt - but when I am turning around and settling into the bed or the couch, I am now noticing that almost every time, I end up with muscle twitches that occur in the torso area, usually on the sides of my stomach.

Also, the heart palpitations are back.  I used to get very infrequent episodes of my heart pounding and beating incorrectly (tachycardia) that sometimes lasted for hours.  When I tried to capture an episode or two on a heart monitor I wore for a month last year, (after seeing a heart specialist for this,) nothing happened, so we don't know exactly what kind of issue is occurring.  However, over the years, I've had my heart checked out via ultrasound and even did a stress test and everything turned out okay, test-wise, so apparently these are benign episodes, though they can be very distracting and unsettling if they go on long.  

So what I'm noticing recently is that when I wake up or for no apparent reason sometimes, I notice my heart beating incorrectly and quickly for just a few seconds before returning to normal while I concentrate on breathing and focus on a normal heartbeat.  These are occurring daily or more frequently these days, and I'm not sure if it is coincidence, or perhaps my trying to increase my muscle mass is causing some sort of electrolyte or other chemical imbalance or something, due to the needs of my muscles.  Perhaps I'll do some research and see if a supplement can help me with this.

Another thing going on lately is lots of dizziness and feelings of presyncope, especially in the mornings and while moving my head or even just my eyes.   I get myself to work and step off the elevator to get to my desk.  All the while, each time I turn a corner, I feel like I might faint.  I've never fainted, so I don't know if there's any danger of actually fainting, but the feeling is there.  Needless to say, I'm not myself until my body settles down a bit and I can focus on other things.

At any rate, I'm still moving forward on my exercise goals.  Hopefully, once I get stronger, I'll have increased my metabolism and built up my endurance a bit.  Then I can get serious about losing some fat and maybe getting into some of my smaller pants sizes again.  Dare to dream...

The "Baby Steps" Workout

I just did 6 wall push-ups and 6 sit-ups.  This is week 6 of my "Baby Steps" workout regimen.  Each week, I add one more incremental wall push-up and sit-up to my daily quota.  This way, I don't overdo it, my body can handle the very gradual change, and I get to enjoy the (eventual) benefits of doing mild, muscle-building exercise on a daily basis.

Back in "the before time" (before I had Fibromyalgia) I started this workout regimen for myself to build up my strength and stamina, little by little.  I did regular, floor push-ups instead of wall push-ups back then, too.  I got as far as 22 per day in 22 weeks and was so proud of myself for being able to do 22 push-ups at once!  Then I got an awful flu bug that made me violently ill and made me lose 10 pounds of water in one week.  It was not fun, to say the least.  Needless to say, I was unable to continue my workout routine during my week of constant fluid expulsions from various orifices.  My gradual return to health after that week also was not inspiring me to get back on the wagon so I had essentially quit and forgot about it all while recovering... until now.

I've been especially ill for the past 5 months now with what today appears to be gastritis and biliary dyskinesia, along with daily headaches on top of the bellyaches, bloating, cramps, and general discomfort.  I have spent many days home from work, vegetating in bed or on my easy chair ("the nest" as Don likes to call it), trying to gain some comfort or distract myself from my symptoms with journaling, reading books, watching television, or playing computer games or blog reading.  I have also been very unhappy with my recent thirty-pound weight gain and all the problems associated with that.  While lamenting that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place about being unable to lose weight or exercise for my own good, it finally came to me that I had already invented a great way for a Fibromite like myself to sneak in something good without upsetting my body too much and causing a flare-up.  I'm a genius!

So, with some minor adjustments from my original version, I am back on the slow, rickety, but reliable (little red) wagon (being pulled by a baby goat) of gaining back lost muscle mass, losing some weight by burning calories and increasing my metabolism, feeling a daily sense of accomplishment and progress, and looking forward to less frequent flares, better tolerance for activity, and reducing stress.  Although it will be a slow journey to reach these goals, I am determined to remember the lesson I learned the first time around and make sure I stick to the program no matter how I'm feeling.  It's a relatively small amount of time and effort, especially in the first week, so I know I'd feel much worse if I were to skip.  (How lame would I be to determine I can't do one single wall push-up and one single sit-up today, right?)  

So, I'm very proud to report that I've accomplished 5 full weeks of daily baby steps workouts, in addition to any other exercises I might happen to squeeze into my day while I'm feeling up to it, like walks and climbing stairs and doing chores.  I'm not going to fall off THIS wagon, damn it!  That would be so, so lame of me.  I will continue and just enjoy the slow, scenic route to feeling better.

The "I Don't Like This" List

So far in my exploratory journey of self-awareness, here are some things I've noticed about my behaviors that I don't like.

• I pour a full bowl of cereal in the mornings, and sometimes I even refill and have a second bowl.  I love cereal and always have.  I guess it's one of my comfort foods.  But I always wish I could just eat a normal sized portion and leave it at that, like Don does.  As I pour the cereal, I wish I could stop myself at half a bowl, but I haven't been able to do that much lately.
• I tend to do my binging at or after breakfast time on weekdays, or just before leaving work in the early evenings.  These are times when I'm alone and tend to cave to temptations.  In the mornings, I used to dig into the peanut butter jar (when we had some in the house), just before leaving for work.  In the evenings, I am usually good, but if I know there are snacks available, I taste, then ravage them.  It's almost as if the taste of the forbidden sets me off into some no-holds-barred eating event.  I need to be aware of this as it's happening.
• My weaknesses are for: peanut butter, crispy salty foods like chips and crackers, sweets like donuts and cupcakes and chocolate treats, and I know I've always loved the blander cereals and breads.
• I enjoy healthy foods but I tend to grab the quick stuff rather than prepare something healthy, even if we have the ingredients.  Perhaps having healthier options ready to grab will help me here.
• I have caved into cravings, thinking I could handle an indulgence here or there, but it seems like one thing always leads to another and the indulgences get out of control.  I end up regretting them.
• My fear of Fibromyalgia flares, along with some sort of procrastinational tendencies, seems to be standing in the way of my exercising more regularly.  I love taking walks with Don and have been in the habit of taking the stairs to the plaza at work, but I wish I could implement a regular exercise routine into my day again. 
• I seem to have taken the easy way out on some of the above by using Fibromyalgia as a crutch or an excuse to do so.  If this keeps up, eventually I will not challenge myself to do anything anymore because I'm chronically ill.  I don't want to stagnate, regardless of the reasons.  I need to associate long-term healing with activities that may bring about temporary flares.

Now, here is a list of the things I would like to see as changed behaviors:

• I'd like to be more prone to select healthier, lower calorie foods for snacking, even though it may not be what I'm craving or as easy to grab as something less healthy.  I like salads and healthy meals when they are served to me, but I have a hard time doing the work required to get these things prepared for myself unless I am motivated.  I want to be motivated more often.  I want to motivate myself more effectively.
• I'd like to be able to handle an occasional indulgence without going completely overboard about it.  I want to be able to take a reasonable serving and put the rest away and forget about it, rather than obsessing and negotiating about it.
• I'd like to be able to use my time more productively so I can feel better about myself, rather than beating myself up about wasting time doing frivolous things or nothing at all.
• I'd like to journal more and be honest about myself in the journal.  It's my own private place - why does committing my feelings to words on paper seem so damning?  I seem to be much better at being honest in my blogs, which is even weirder, since this is public.  Perhaps I'm not comfortable with keeping things private.  I should be okay with having feelings that I keep private.
• I want to be brave enough to stop and talk to someone when I know I'm about to have a binge.

These are just a few of the things I've noticed after my last blog's epiphany.  I will, of course, continue to observe and reflect on what I'm doing.

Don't Offer Me Any Donuts, Please

Apparently, the persisting tightness of my pants is not all in my imagination.  My last weigh-in this morning confirms what I feared - I'm slowly becoming... a whale.  

No, not a cute, baby whale.  A big, fat, blubbery, ugly one.

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but at 5' 4.5", I'm not tall enough to pull off a 150+ lb. weight.  I've never been this heavy in all my life.  I'm thoroughly disgusted with the weight gain especially because I know that I will have an even tougher time losing it, now that I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain preventing me from doing any meaningful exercise.  I can do some walking and some stretching, but that's about it.  Even after a walk, I've had to collapse from exhaustion upon my return home. 

All you super heroes reading this probably think I'm pathetic.  I might agree, but there's always that illness keeping me from blaming myself completely.  Perhaps that's the problem I need to address.  Although I can confidently blame Fibro for my pain and fatigue most times, I don't know that I can blame it completely for my fatness.  I've caught myself eating or overeating to try to distract myself from my symptoms, or to give myself some enjoyment in a painfully frustrating day.  It's not a bad thing to try to make myself feel happier, but turning to food - especially sweets and "bad" foods - is not a smart thing to do.  Frankly, I'm surprised I could let something like this get the best of me for so long.  Why did I wait to have this epiphany until now? 

Staying on the wagons I've laid out has proven to be much easier said (or written, rather) than actually done.  My flares are frequent and I never seem to know how I'm going to feel at any given minute.  I may wake up okay, then be fighting tears by evening - or vice versa.  I have skipped so many of my morning stretches, my strength-building exercises, and haven't done any regular walking or other aerobic activity, as I had planned.  What's more, I've been skipping all the Calorie Count logging I thought I would be doing to help me monitor my intake.  A little ice cream here, a couple beers there - and suddenly, I'm busting out of my jeans.

When I saw that horrid number on my scale this morning, I was going to keep this weight thing my dirty, little secret.  I decided it would be far too embarrassing to tell anyone about this.  I even considered removing that ladybug ticker from the bottom of this blog.  But after thinking a bit about it, I decided this isn't the worst thing to be guilty of.  Anyone with Fibromyalgia will certainly understand, as I'm sure the illness creates this problem for many of us as we struggle to survive the pain and fatigue and stress of life.  I knew someone out there would know all too well how this happens, and perhaps offer me some support.


I'd like to rise above this thing  I'd like to take this challenge and turn it into an opportunity to feel good about myself, instead of continuing to pity myself about how awful things are.  Sure, I might fail, but I'm not going to know if I succeed unless I try.  I'm going to try to do better and hopefully, once I can see any sort of progress, the momentum of success will help me to keep going.

That said, please do me a favor and don't offer me any donuts.  I love food, especially desserts, but my allowance for these kinds of foods needs to be drastically reduced.  Want to take a short walk with me?  Care for some healthy veggies instead of that hamburger?  Forgive me if I pass on your famous, homemade whatever.  Believe me: I really do want to have it, but I've got to take care of my body before it gives out on both of us.  I don't expect you all to change your behavior for me - I know you mean well.  I'll just have to resist temptations a little better and be braver about risking flares for the greater good.

Wee! Wagon Train!

I know I said I can't be on all wagons at the same time, but after taking a month just to get back into stretching, and after taking almost another month to add in strength training exercises, I've suddenly found myself peeking at the other wagons and getting ahead of myself.  (I got antsy about the large list of goals I've made for myself and time ticking away.)

Here's what I'm currently doing and what I've learned from prioritizing my wagons and refocusing on each goal.

1. Exercise 
1. Stretching (started on 3/18/10)
   I've been doing mild stretching each morning, focusing key stretches on my newly discovered serratus anterior, to prevent that nasty spot at the bottom of my shoulder blade from coming back. 
   
   
   
2. Strength Training (started on 4/18/10)
   I've added a few very mild strength-building exercises to help regain some muscle mass. I used to do a few wall push-ups as part of the routine, but I'm noticing that these seem to be aggravating that serratus anterior trigger point under my arms, so I'm trying to mix it up and not too too many of these at a time. 
   
   I'm also making sure I try different exercises, specifically, exercises that target differing muscles and muscle groups, each day, so I don't overwork any muscles. 
   
   Fibro or not, I've learned that letting muscle tissue rest for a day is the best way to get results.  When you exercise muscles, the tissue tears a bit.  (They are miniscule tears, but together, they add up).  After a day of rest, the torn muscle tissues can heal and build back up, hopefully with more mass, translating to more strength for the next round of exercises.
   
   
   
3. Endurance Training (unofficially started on 5/4/10)
   May 4th was a pre-scheduled work-from-home day for me.  It was a lovely, sunny and warm day, so I tried on some of my shorts to break in the season.  Tragically, I could not find a pair that fit me!  Unbelievable!  So I weighed myself and was utterly disgusted.  I was 148 lbs.!  I've never been this heavy in my entire life!  It's dangerously close to 150, which I never want to be able to claim as my weight. 
   
   This shocking news is what prompted me to act on this and the next wagon sooner than originally planned.  So, when the work day was over, I put on my gym shoes and went outside to walk.  I could no longer wait to trim down.  It was beginning to cause additional problems with self-esteem and conundrums about my current wardrobe.  I pushed myself (risky for a fibromite like me) to walk farther than usual and ended up being out for 45 minutes.  It was exhausting, but I felt much better about myself for having done something positive.
   
   I hope to do much shorter walks on the nicer days, to try to get my heart muscle working and see if I can extend my activity tolerance a bit.  My last walk on 5/6/10 may have been too much, as I was exhausted and cold when I got back (it was chilly) and felt kind of exhausted for a few days afterward.  I need to make sure I'm not fooled by that happy sun when the temperatures aren't quite as high.
   
   
   
2. Weight Loss
   The day of that weigh-in and shorts debacle, I revamped my CalorieCount plans and decided to start logging my calories again.  I modified my diet start date to be 5/5/10 and put in my start weight at 148.  I also changed my end goal to be more reasonable and see how things go.  I simply couldn't stand to postpone this wagon any longer!
   
   
   
3. Reduce Medications (started May, 2010)
   I am trying to get more control of my pains and symptoms, so I won't have to take so many medications.  With the warmer weather coming, I'm also hoping that my pain will be reduced as well. 
   
   So far, I've been able to reduce my Ritalin dosing from two a day to one or none each day.  I've been experimenting with skipping my second dose, to see if there is any difference in my focus or mental capacities.  So far, I'm not noticing much difference.  Since this drug tends to make my heartbeat irregular a lot, I'm happy to reduce and, eventually, get off of it entirely.
   
   
   
4. Stop Finger Picking (started April, 2010)
   Don has been my inspiration on this.  Armed with Band-Aids, I've been trying to resist picking at my fingers, especially my thumbs.  I used to feel like it was too wasteful to cover my fingers in Band-Aids every day, but it definitely helps me to not be able to feel those rough spots, so it's worth it.  Sorry, environment, I have to make an exception for my own greater good. 
   
   Eventually, I hope to wean myself off the Band-Aids, but I'm not quite there yet.  When they get too wet from hand-washing toward the end of the day, I take them off and leave my fingers bare for the remainder of the day, but I notice that those are the times I still pick, so they do make a difference.

I'm feeling much better about all these goals now than when I first realized I was trying to juggle them all without having them concretely written down and prioritized, so being on more than one at a time is not as overwhelming any more.  If I do get overwhelmed again, however, I'll refer to this list order and make sure I choose the top ones over the bottom ones, if I have to sacrifice anything to survive.

I sure am happy to use this public forum to keep me motivated, too.  If you have anything you'd like to add or any comments about any of this stuff, I'd be happy to read them.  Please keep me going on these.  I need to know you're out there, to keep me honest. :)

I Think I Fixed my Wagons

Since I was up since midnight this morning, I had some time to do some journaling. While writing, I pondered my "Wagons" problem and I think I've finally figured out my priorities, with subpriorities.  Here is the priority of things I'd like to do to improve myself.

1. Exercise
1. Stretching
   I need to get back on track with the daily stretching routines to keep my muscles loose.  If I don't stretch, my myofascial trigger points will likely act up, causing pain and a cascade of other symptoms (including these sleepless nights).
   
   
2. Strength Training
   Once I am able to do stretches regularly again, I'll start adding back some of the isometric exercises and concentrate on building up lost muscle.  My scale measures body fat percentage and it's gotten very high - 33%. 
   
   Muscle atrophy is definitely contributing to my weakness, fatigue, and pain, as well as my slowed metabolism, fatness, and some lowered self-esteem, I'm sure.
   
   
3. Endurance TrainingOnce my muscles are built up a bit and I'm able to handle the strength training exercises, my next exercise goal will be to try to increase my tolerance for doing any activities.  At first, this will be walking and doing chores, but hopefully, some day, I might actually be able to more, like biking or maybe even play a tennis game or something. 
   
   This is a lofty goal for me right now, but it's good to have something to shoot for, right?  Besides, some of my fibromite friends are reporting to me that they are running and doing all sorts of things.  (Color me jealous!)  Of course, others in my FM-ily are on the opposite end of the spectrum, bedridden and on the brink of despair.  I am in the middle right now, and I am hoping that by putting this goal down in writing (and in public) that I remember to do what I can, while I can, to try to stay ahead of that worst case scenario that I fear may once dominate my life. 
   
   
2. Weight Loss
   Get back online at Calorie Count and start back up logging calories eaten, calories burned, track my weight, and work toward (gradually and responsibly) losing at least 10, if not all 20 of the pounds I gained since last year.  I'm going to concentrate on eating healthy foods and healthy amounts. 
   
   This site really is helpful, but I'm taking a break from all the detailed logging for the time being, because... well, I'm not ready to get on that wagon just yet.  Now, that doesn't mean I'm giving myself the green light to eat crazy amounts of crap!  I do enjoy all sorts of foods, but if I don't eat at least one vegetable every day, I instinctively start looking for them, just to help balance things out.  When you have a chronic illness, getting the proper nutrition from your food is especially important. 
   
   I feel like doing the calorie logging I've already done was like the practice, or training I needed to get a feel for the way I should eat and feel during the day.  The training wheels are off for the time being, but I'm still sort of doing okay, I like to think.  I'm just not making it a top priority (yet).  I put this goal below the others for good reasons.  It will be much easier to lose weight once some of my lost muscle mass returns and I'm able to exercising.  I also imagine I will be in less pain, thus less stress.
   
   
3. Reduce Medications
   I'm on a lot of meds at the moment.  Despite the number of medications I take, the fact that I've been flaring up pretty frequently and severely enough to interfere with my work and social life leads me to believe that some or all of them may not be doing what they should.  Why am I ingesting so many expensive chemicals into my body if I'm still going to be flaring all over the place? 
   
   Since I have decided to do as much research on my health conditions and medications as possible (so I can be primarily responsible for my health, with my doctor's assistance), I am also aware that there are many side effects and possible drug interactions or other problems associated with taking them.  Drugs.com is truly a great resource for researching all the possible information that exists on any medication, but if you're not ready for the scary bits, it can be a bit overwhelming.  I have to trust that my doctor understands all the precautions (dosage limitations, listening for new and relevant symptoms, etc.), but I am also not bashful about picking his brain about certain troubling drug combinations if I'm worried about them.  I urge you all to share any worries or questions with your doctors as well.
   
   
4. Stop Finger Picking
   Where did that one come from, right?  I'm stressed.  I also have obsessive-compulsive tendencies.  One of the ways I am expressing this combination of mental challenges is a terrible habit of picking at the edges of my cuticles and hangnails, and the rough skin around my fingertips.  The more picking there has been, the more tempting it is for me to continue, since the picking results in rough edges that heal up a little, and hurt less.  I'm noticing that the longer my nails get, the worse it gets.  I have also used tweezers and cuticle nippers, always with the intention of smoothing out or perfecting the surface.  But it never seems to work; it usually makes things a lot worse.  I have pulled and picked until I hurt and bled.  I don't understand why I continue doing this, but I have tried and tried to quit many times.  I know I have to.  It's disgusting and crazy!
   
   It's a strange, but apparently not uncommon habit, as I have discovered.  Band-aids are helpful, but so wasteful, and they are also very annoying, especially when they get wet.  I figure this goal is the last priority of these because I believe the stress from not having the above issues under control is greatly contributing to the underlying stress that makes me need to pick.  Hopefully, once I get to this final wagon, the final leg of the journey will be much shorter than it would be otherwise.

So there it is.  All my ducks are in a row and I'm ready to start my journey, one little inch at a time.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I'll keep you all posted on my progress.

"Weird" Things I've Done

What is the weirdest thing you have ever done?

I struggled with this question. I've done some unusual things, but nothing completely unheard of. I don't know if there's anything weird enough to be fulfilling as an answer to such a question. Here are several "weird" things I've done. Perhaps you can decide which is the weirdest.

My husband and I have converted our entire front and back yard lawns into organic, native gardens to better support the local native ecosystem, save on mowing (work, pollution, noise), and make better use of rainwater.

Don and I sometimes take "beer-cations", which are road trips planned around specific breweries and pubs where our favorite microbrewed beers are available.

I have endured three months on a "yeast-free" diet (which I hated but made me skinny for a while). I had to cut out sugar and all sugar substitutes, yeast (breads, beer), vinegar, additives, and other specific items. I also had to limit my dairy and fruit consumption. It was doctor-ordered by my fibromyalgia doctor at the time, who suspected I had a yeast overgrowth in my gut, and could be contributing to my fibromyalgia symptoms... but he was wrong. I felt awful on this diet and he ordered me to stop after three months instead of six months.

I had a tonsillectomy a few years ago because the crypts in my tonsils were breeding bacteria and making tonsilloliths that I had to periodically poke out with Q-tips or water jets or my fingers.

I'm sure I've done other things that some people consider weird, but this is all I can come up with for now.

Ask me anything

Extra "Spoons"

After some typical ups and downs in my fibro world, both during and after my much-enjoyed "beercation", I actually seem to be feeling pretty...great, lately.

I have had some trouble sleeping the past week or so, some weird tingling on the left side of my body (knee, front lower leg, then thumb) and some other odd little symptoms here and there (mostly in the evenings, I noticed), and of course, the usual left hip pain that radiates into my back and leg...but today and for the past couple of days, mostly, I've been pretty OKAY!

I haven't had to limp at all, which means my hip and knee are behaving.  I've noticed my mood has been really good, even with a lot of work on my plate at my job.  I've also made an effort to eat better, since I gained some weight and, as I like to say lately,

"I'm still wearing last year's cookies!" 

I am also able to stretch more regularly and do some isometric exercises each morning, which is great for building back lost muscle mass.

I feel kind of - I don't know - under control at the moment, which is a really great feeling for a fibromite.  It's really the best I can hope for, considering all the crazy things I've got messing up my body.

My magnet is currently set to the "I'm in a good mood" smiley face (rather than the "I'm in a bad flare frowny face).

So, fibromites and other kinds of "spoonies" out there, I have saved up some extra "spoons" for you and am giving them out to all those in need.  Please help yourselves!  Take from my reserves as freely as necessary to make it through the day.  You have been there for me, so I hope to be there for you in your time of need.

Photo credit: sfgirlbybay

Yo Yo Yo!

I turned a negative into a positive today.  I was up at 4am today (thanks to my husband's pager for work) and was not able to fall back asleep.  So, I got up and started my day.  Since I usually don't get up until 8am on workdays, I had no excuse not to do all my stretching and exercises this morning... and that's just what I did. 

I did my usual stretches, then hopped onto my elliptical machine and did 10 (slow) minutes.  Then I stretched a bit more.  Then, since my knees have been bothering me so much lately, I thought I would do some strengthening around the knees.  I put 10 pounds of weight onto the knee lift thingy on Don's weight bench and did 10 lifts.  Then I stretched a little more.  I'm so proud of my piddly exercise today.

Then I weighed myself and although I'm not too surprised, I'm disappointed.  I've been crazy with the food lately, especially sweets and treats, and it shows.  My fat pants are not so loose anymore and my skinny pants are just lonely.  I don't know if the Doxepin is behind this, or if I'm just having some sort of eating disorder or something, but this is getting ridiculous!  As I type this, I'm tempted by cookies.  Why?!!?  I dunno.  They are just beckoning to me to enjoy their deliciousness.  Maybe I can at least hold off until after lunch.

I'm getting a little frustrated with this yo-yoing up and down weight with me.  I was about 122 lbs. this time last year.  Today, I'm 140 lbs.  Of course, last year's dramatic weight loss was due to the yeast-free diet my fibro doctor had me on.  (It actually made me feel worse so he insisted that I stop it.)  I'm hoping that hating my weight will help motivate me to get back to eating better and doing more regular exercises.  Even if I only do piddly routines, if I do them daily, I'll be ecstatic.  I am focusing most on stretching and re-building muscle, since those are most important for us fibromites.

Ugh, those cookies!!  No, I mustn't!

This is definitely a challenge.  I hope that confessing this all to the public will help me stay true to my goals.

Behind and Overwhelmed

I have been bad about keeping up with my blogging and journaling and overall fibro stuff lately. I was so gung-ho when I started all these projects and did fine during my time off work, but now that I'm working, I feel like there's no time left!

I went to see my fibro doctor a couple days ago. He made some changes to my dosage and added a new supplement to my regimen: magnesium w/ malic acid. I just ordered some from drugstore.com and will be taking it twice a day for pain. I hope it helps.

My sleep has been kind crappy lately. I've been waking up a lot, but not for hours (thank goodness) - just seconds. My dreams are stressful and painful, too. The other night, I dreamt I was grazed by several bullets and my wounds were becoming severely infected. I remember feeling intense pains in my face, hand, and other areas. I don't remember getting shot at or who or why it was done, just that I was hurting and needed medical attention or something! The damned dream went on an on, as usual, and there were many chapters and scenes. Why is my brain so busy at night?

Last night I woke up a few times with a terrible migraine. When it was time to wake up for work, I still had it, but it wasn't as awful as earlier (thank goodness). It's a sign that I'm flaring. Yesterday I felt hot and cold at the same time, and I had more pains everywhere. Today I have back pain, head pain, neck pain, limb pain and I really, really did not feel like going to work today. I set my alarm for another hour and tried to give it a good nap to see if it would help. It's better than nothing, but it wasn't much.

Anyway, I told my doctor about the WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plan - from Ch. 16 of the FMS/CMP Survival Manual book. He encouraged me to put it online for others to see. Right now I have it scribbled down on paper for myself. I consulted it today after recognizing signs of a flare that I need to address. It's helpful. I will type it up on my blog soon and share it with the world.

I'm also 20 pounds heavier now than earlier this year (February?). My skinny clothes don't fit me and my fat clothes aren't loose. :( I'm counting calories and trying to restrict myself to 1600 calories per day. I'm also trying to get my activity levels back up again, but it's a slow and frustrating process. You can't make up for lost time - like I tried to do yesterday. I probably made my symptoms worse today.

For now I'm just ick.