Trigger Points Gone Berserk

For over a fortnight now, I've been dealing with some ridiculous knots in the muscles near my shoulders, neck, and upper back. Since it started, I've had two really great sessions of trigger point massage therapy on the troubled areas. I have also used my TheraCane, a tennis ball, my rice sock, my heading pad, hot baths and showers, stretches, pain medicine, and now, finally, rest, as I write to you from my bed today.

It started on my left side, mostly in the side of my neck, down to the mid-back. It has been restricting movement in my neck and just causing this constant, awful pain.

It has gradually spread into more of an upper back problem on both left and right sides. Today, it is settling into the right side of the upper back and top of the right shoulder.

I don't know exactly what triggered this particular flare, but I can look back and see plenty of possible contributing factors, including the ongoing foot tendonitis thing, stress, and weather extremes, to start.  But I also kept going to work and doing things, acting like a normal or something. Why do I keep doing that? I think I have been busted, living on borrowed spoons.  I worked through it until yesterday around noon, when I decided I couldn't keep pressing on. It's a shitty time for me to be off work, but as I tell my fibro friends, I cannot take care of anyone else until I take care of myself first. So I am resting until something changes for the better.

Painful Foot Update: Peroneal Tendonitis

So, last Friday, I went to a new foot doctor about the pain and swelling around my outer right ankle bone.  The whole staff was very nice.  The doctor pressed on various areas of my bare foot and asked if it was painful.  He found the worst spot (toward the back heel side of the bony area) and suspected an inflamed tendon.

I had my foot x-rayed to rule out any bone or other problems - all clear there.  With my past history of having this same problem a few months back, and since it went away with just some icing and rest, he says we can assume this is peroneal tendonitis.  If it gets better in a few days with the ice, Aleve, rest, etc. that would support the diagnosis.  However, if it gets worse or does not subside, we can do more detailed testing like MRI to see if anything has torn.

An ankle brace was recommended to help support the foot and reduce further inflammation while walking around, so I went and got one after my appointment.

I was also told my arches were slightly flat, and that my foot posture turning downward on the inner sides of my feet was possibly contributing to my tendonitis.  The doctor recommended getting some good shoe inserts with sturdy arch support. So I got a pair of these as well.  Since I had some cheap inserts in my boots already, he looked at them and added some felt to the bottom of the arch area, to beef up the support a bit.  I thought that was nice.

I also got a great printout of strengthening exercises to do to help prevent further injury to my feet, and have been giving those a try each day.  I'm backing off the daily stairs climbing at work until I feel better, and the yoga and other activities are mostly on hiatus, too, to I can rest the bad foot.  I did do some yoga poses today, though.  I just made sure I didn't use my feet for support and took extra care to look for any signs of pain in that bad ankle.

So, here I am, several days later with my foot feeling a lot better, but not quite back to normal yet.  I am still wearing the ankle brace but I have put the cane away and have just been stepping slowly and carefully at work and at home.

I'm a bit cranky otherwise, though, because other symptoms have been acting up.  I fear that the Aleve I was told to take (always with meals, mind you) for the inflammation was irritating my stomach, so I stopped taking it.  I had some gastritis a while back and don't know if that is still with me, or if it's just more IBS or something else.  I have been dealing with some sharp, stabbing pains in my ribs and back the past couple of days, and my eyes feel like I've been awake too long, though I did manage to sleep.  Then yesterday, out of nowhere, tinnitus in my left ear just started raging with this loud, muffling ringing for hours.  On top of all of these symptoms, like the cherry on top, is all the mental garbage that tags along: my difficulty with focus and memory, plus the stress of dealing with all this crap while trying to live and manage and keep my job.  I declare a flare.  And I am just trying to remember that there is hope at the other end of this particular nightmare.  I just don't know when exactly that will be.

Top Fibro-Flare Triggers

I came across this list today and thought I should share it with you all. While reading it, it all makes sense. Of course these things can cause a flare-up! However, knowing how complex our symptoms, treatments, and lives are, it sure doesn't hurt to have a handy list like this to help you pin down causes and maybe help you plan to avoid some of these, if possible.

http://www.healthcentral.com/chronic-pain/c/5949/151398/fibromyalgia?ic=2602

Livin' La Vida Enferma

The life of a fibromite is riddled with setbacks.  And they always seem to be surprises, too.  You'd think I would expect the flare-ups and sick days, like today, but no.  I still have some crazy hope and idea that I'm able to overcome this lifelong condition.  Alas, I do realize that I am doomed to always live "the sick life".

Overall, I would still say I'm doing lots better than I was a few years back, especially in the early days, before and just after the official Chronic Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia diagnoses.  Back then, I did not know very much about these conditions, nor what affects them.  Today, six years after the incident that triggered it all, I have learned a lot about the conditions, the symptoms,  the treatments, and how my body behaves, including the flare-up triggers, and the things that seem to help me.  I now have a basis for maintaining some sort of basic, pseudo-normal lifestyle, complete with a full-time office job, marriage, vacations, hobbies, chores, and problems.  Although it's still very easy for me to forget how fragile that balance is.

Blame the fibrofog (which has really been oddly worse lately, or I'm more aware of it these days) or blame the hope I give myself when I see how much progress I've made with living with chronic health problems over the years.  I am frequently finding myself scratching my head over what caused the last flare-up.  Today is one of those times.

So, I've been doing my exercises, as you saw in the last post.  I've been eating lots of veggies, fruits, nuts, and good, healthy food.  I've been having my back massaged every couple of weeks to keep the tender points in check.  I've even taken a vacation recently to relieve stress.   Yet, here I am, with headache in my nose/face, aching in my bones, some more digestive issues, and fatigue.  Looking back, I remember complaining about a new pain that has crept up in my chest (I think Costochondritis), and the digestive stuff for a few weeks now, but I assumed that if I kept doing what I've been doing to stay healthy, that they would just pass quickly.  I guess the lesson learned today is that I cannot assume that in the future.  They are red flags that I need to remember to take seriously.

Knowing myself, I know I'll have to repeat this lesson.  It's extremely difficult for me to decide to stay home from work with so much going on there, just to try to stave off a flare, when I notice a slight worsening of my usual symptoms.  Yet, here I am, knowing that it's the right thing to do and paying the price (again) for deciding to push through the pain.  I think what I fear is never really knowing if a flare would have occurred if I ignored the signs.

For example, I noticed more IBS problems than usual have been occurring for the past few days.  Let's say I make the conscious decision to take a day off work to rest and treat the symptoms.  I feel better by that afternoon.  Then I feel guilty for staying home and not going to work.  But this is where that logic fails. Had I not taken the day off, I would find myself at work, trying to subtly attend to my IBS symptoms between meetings and obligations, stressing, rushing, and making things worse, which would eventually trigger a flare-up of more Fibromyalgia symptoms.  I would not be maintaining my pleasant demeanor at the office, causing more stress from the damage to my work relationships (true story, by the way).  The next day, my body shuts down on me and I am forced to stay home because I cannot function.  Thus, today's predicament.

Damn this lunacy!  I know better and need to remember better.  I need to realize that admitting that I'm noticing a flare-up is not some kind of blow to my ego.  I am doing my best and sometimes it's not enough for the fibrobeast.  I just need to let go of that and do what I know is best: rest.

I've read so many articles and blog posts about this problem.  I will think about this more and hopefully plant a seed in my brain about being more aware about the delicate balance between being a high-functioning fibromite, and the Mack truck version of me.  I'll try to come up with something that will remind me of the right thing to do at the right time.

How are you handling your Fibro flares?  Are you reading this and nodding empathetically, or have you got a method that helps prevent disaster for you?  I'd love to read your comments on this topic.

The Mack Truck is Back

So I had two good weeks without many symptoms, feeling good and in control of things with diet and exercise happening and everything.  Then Monday, something started up and I'm flaring up for some reason.  Was I too greedy with doing things while feeling good that I triggered a flare by being too active and not resting?

Last night I was awake all night.  Not so much as a nap came over me - all flippin' night.  I tried relaxing in bed with ear plugs, without ear plugs, tried lying on my back, my sides, tried thinking of pleasant things.  Nothing.  Hours and hours of stressful thoughts about various things going on at work that have been bothering me lately kept creeping back into my mind and and I could not fall asleep.  The stress broke me.  I don't know what it is about the middle of the night, but I felt so hopeless and frustrated.  I moved to the couch and read blog posts in my Google Reader on my phone to try to take my mind off things, since I'd given up on sleep.  Forget work today.  There's just no way.  I am a wreck.  I took a much-needed sick day.

It seems my abdominal area is tender and painful lately, mostly near the left side.  Air bubbles or ulcers  - I don't know any more.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, unless the tiny bits of apple I found in yesterday's fruit started something, but I picked them out.  (I'm allergic to raw apple skins.)    I just feel crappy.  Then there's the back spasm in my right side that came back to life.   Even the hydrocodone I took at bed time wasn't helping that.  I wonder if the medication kept me up instead of making me drowsy.  Side effects don't always make sense in my body. 

I've been trying to stay on this side of the sane/crazy borderline, but last night I think I wandered over the line a bit.  My mental state seems back in good enough order, but my body is stuck in physical disarray at the moment, and notice that it affects my thinking a bit.

As always, when I stay home due to illness, I can't help but feel the invisible pressure of all those chores and tasks I have to do.  There is some compromise where I go and do a couple of easy things, but I have a hard time just resting, which is what I need to be doing.  For instance, I have been meaning to update my WRAP and wish I would do that, but I know I should not be at the computer too long with this spasm screaming at me.  I washed up our farm veggies (we have them delivered weekly from a local CSA, Wellhausen Farms) and made a healthy salad for lunch, but it took a very long time, and I was tempted to just grab something like cereal and leave it all undone.  Despite all the healthy ingredients in my salad today, my belly is also complaining again and uncomfortable.  I folded some laundry, too, because I knew it would nag at me if I didn't.  Despite my fatigue, I cannot rest easily at all.  This is one of the common frustrating symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

I hate that I can feel so great, then shitty, so quickly.  It makes me feel bipolar in some ways.  I was hoping I could coast through the summer feeling almost like a normal.  I guess I had forgotten my limitations again and overdone it with activities.  I will learn from this flare, just like with every flare, but I'm not enjoying this lesson.  Ugh.  Time for me to lie down.  I hope my next post is more fun than this one.

Great Overview Video of FMS

Today I came across a great video.  It's a doctor giving a presentation about Fibromyalgia.  He describes what it is, what it isn't, how it's diagnosed, how it's treated, what patients experience, how Fibromyalgia pain has been studied and measured to be different than in other people.  There are detailed descriptions of many topics and lots of tips on treatment (especially non-drug treatments) and I even learned a few things.  At the very least, my foggy brain was reminded of things I'd forgotten I knew.

As I watched, I found this video to be a useful educational tool for both Fibromyalgia patients and their loved ones alike.  Direct people who are confused about FMS to this video, especially to certain areas relevant to the questions that perhaps you cannot find the right words to explain.  It's an hour and a half long, so if they really want to know, they'll watch.  That said, you may need to take breaks and watch it in manageable chunks.  I also suggest keeping a pad and pen nearby, for any notes you may want to jot down for yourself. There is also a question-and-answer segment at the end as well with questions from the audience. 

I've been diagnosed for over four years now, and have been experiencing chronic pain for over five years.  Having read and learned so much since then about Fibromyalgia, I must say that watching this overview was a great review that kind of puts all the pieces together nicely. 

I realize, though, that not all aspects of the condition are mentioned in this presentation.  For instance, pacing and stress are briefly mentioned, but not given as much time as they might deserve, if relating the portion of time in the video vs. importance in a fibromite's world.  He also doesn't go into great detail about every last symptom that might be grouped into the syndrome, though he picks several of the big ones.  This is a pretty detailed overview of the condition with what we know about it now.   Hopefully we will learn more in the coming years about the cause and better ways to treat or (dare to dream) cure it.

I hope you enjoy this video and learn something from it.  Share as needed.  I also hope that friends and family members of Fibromyalgia patients, and perhaps others in the medical community or general population, will watch at least some portion of this video and try to understand this confounding syndrome which, even Dr. Gross admits, doesn't really belong in any particular medical category because it affects everything.

Fibromyalgia: It's Real It's Manageable What You Can Do

Terrible Weekend

I finally made it into work today after spending the last three and a half days in bed.  I am tempted to think I jinxed myself with my last post, turning my frown upside-down on Friday.  Something happened to me right after lunch Friday and it was just a very bad weekend-plus-a-day for me.

It started with explosive diarrhea.  (Hey, shit happens.  It's my forum and I'm going to be frank here, so I hope you can handle it.  That's about as TMI as I'm going to get for this one, though.)  I spent a lot of time in the bathroom Friday afternoon dealing with that.  I finished up my work day and drove myself home, exhausted.  Once I got home, I was relieved and planted myself directly into bed with all the covers over me in my clothes. I was cold and I couldn't seem to warm up, though I don't think I had a fever because I never felt hot or unbearably chilled, just cold.  I probably warmed up some, though, because my chest hived out in a rash. 

Cholinergic urticaria rash on my chest, from my own body heat

For a minute I thought I was allergic to something I ate - maybe soy, maybe sushi - but after I thought about it, I realized that I get heat rashes like this.  I have cholinergic urticaria. My stomach felt beaten up so I didn't eat dinner.

Saturday morning, I tried breakfast, thinking I might need some nutrition, but I developed crampy, abdominal pain soon after eating, so I avoided eating much Saturday and just continued to rest and drink water while staying social with online activities via my smartphone.  I had a small, simple dinner of peanut butter and banana on bread, which was small and not too hard on my belly.

Sunday, I woke up with a headache.  It was the icky kind that I had a few weeks back, when my blood pressure was through the roof and my nose was leaking blood because it apparently had nowhere else to go but out a hole in my head.  I wasn't sure what to think.  My belly was a bit better, but my head wanted to pull me into the center of the Earth and flatten me.  I'm almost finished weaning off Savella, so I didn't know if it was a withdrawal symptom, a side effect from still being on it, or unrelated to it and maybe all about Friday's possibly tainted lunch.

I was useless and laid in bed.  I couldn't even imagine reading or looking at my phone for fun activities.  I was miserable.  I tried to relax and sleep.  I managed to nap, but only after those all-too-familiar starts to fully awakened consciousness, even before ever falling asleep.  This was happening in the pre-sleep stage.  I don't know what that is.  There was no noise, no dream, no reason for these moments that I could understand.  I guess something in my body really flips out when I try to sleep when it doesn't want me to.  When I got to sleep, I dreamt something irritating that made me feel a little cranky and remember awakening suddenly - for nothing.  Again, there was no startling moment in the dream or any noises to wake me.  It was all some internal burst of WAKE THE HELL UP NOW that I cannot comprehend.

Anyway, by Sunday night, I was able to enjoy a great home-cooked dinner made by my husband and didn't feel sick to my stomach afterwards.  At least I had that victory.  I also thought my headache was on its way out, but it seems to feel temporarily better WHILE eating, but then comes back again after I'm finished eating.  What is that?

At any rate, I hoped Monday morning I'd be all set without a headache and ready to work.  No dice.  Woke up feeling awful!  I gave up hope of going to work when I realized I couldn't fathom moving from the bed.  I wanted my headache to fade away, but it was very slow to do so and stuck around through the night.

This morning, the headache was small enough for me to move around a lot better, so I went to work.  I wasn't quite myself, though, but I notice that being around people helps me forget a bit and allows me to become distracted by work or personal chit chat or stories.  I also noticed that my voice decided to leave me.  If the past is any indication, my vocal cords atrophied from disuse over the past three days and now I sound like some kind of elderly smoker.  I will try not to let it bother me and just keep using it, so it can strengthen.  In the past, I mentioned how awful my voice had gotten but people always say they don't notice, so I guess I shouldn't worry.  Could be worse, I guess.

So, I'm on the mend from whatever the heck happened Friday, wasted a weekend resting and not having any quality time with my husband, but at least didn't have to take more than one day off work to deal with it. I'm also progressing toward my last dose of Savella, which will be on the morning of March 9th, if all goes well.  In addition, I've been learning lots about Lyme Disease and a possible connection to Fibromyalgia, and will be posting more about that soon.  There is lots to learn, but it is worth looking into.  If Lyme is causing my Fibro, I can at least try the treatment that has cured many already.  Stay tuned for more on that.

Thanks for sticking with me through this detailed post!

Feeling Lame

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, yet again, but despite my best efforts, my sleep has been ridiculously scant and superficial for the past month, even when I use the new ear plugs.  I still like them for tuning out the noise, but apparently noise is not the only trigger that wakes me. 

For instance, the other night, I slept and dreamt, but woke up suddenly in the middle - well, at the apparent sudden END, I guess - of each dream, for no apparent reason.  No noise, no gasping for air, no falling or startle dream, nothing.  One second, in a creative story of my mind, next minute wide, fucking awake.  This must have happened about a hundred times that night. 

Each night is different, too.  Last night, for instance, I don't remember dreaming, but I slept for a few hours before my brain decided I shouldn't sleep for the rest of the night.  I woke up around 3am and finally got up after 4am to address some of the things popping into my mind.  I'm tired as all hell at the moment.  In fact, I left work early today because I couldn't function.  It's unseasonably warm today (60 degrees F for January in Chicagoland is very unusual) and that may or may not have anything to do with the fact that today my asthma has been the worst it's been in months, that I can recall.  I have been coughing and trying to breathe for hours, then noticed I was feeling faint, probably from the lack of oxygen getting to my brain. 

On top of that my face flushed up and felt like it was burning up (this is still about a daily occurrence) AND my nose started bleeding, right there in the office (another daily occurrence).  It was too much and I was starting to sense microsleeps occurring due to my sleep deficit.  I carefully drove home and I'm about to try and nap some of this crap away.  Savella is already making my heart beat way too fast and hard (100+ beats per minute at rest is not normal) but the rescue inhaler also makes me shakey and screw it up even more. 

In addition to the above, my lower back is having spasms for the past few days, despite my increased muscle relaxants, stretching, and a great massage treatment just yesterday.  However, the pain from that pales next to the nerve pain jolts I've been getting in the back of my right thigh for the past several days.  It's maddeningly sudden and severe every time. It makes me jump and/or gasp involuntarily, and I'm pretty good and not bringing attention to my pains in front of others.  I've been calling this sciatica, but really I don't know what it is.  I've been told my piriformis muscle is likely impinging on it, so I stretch when it occurs, to try to prevent further jolts.  It's difficult to say whether anything helps this - as it's so intermittent.  I get a similar pain in my forearm as well, and that's been acting up lately, too.

I wanted to write this all down while I'm feeling it so I can give my future self an accurate description of what went on today.  This is about all I can handle at the moment.  Stay tuned for an update of how great I'm feeling later (hopefully).  I will have better days.  I will have better days.  I will have better days...

Exciting, New Flavors of Pain

First off, I'm happy to report that my bout of food poisoning has finally subsided.  :)

After being in constant and varying Fibromyalgia (FMS) & Chronic Myofascial (CMP) pain for almost 5 years now, I'm surprised to find that I'm still experiencing some new, unfamiliar pains.

Having declared (only recently) that I have finally graduated to the final stage of grief - acceptance of my chronic illnesses - I thought I'd figured out how my new, broken body works to some degree. Sure, it's still unpredictable, but understanding the unpredictability kind of helps it be more predictably unpredictable. Words fail me, but I hope you know what I mean. Come to think of it, since Fibro Fog is part of the new me, perhaps these pains aren't really new. Perhaps they are just pains I've had but don't recognize this time around. Perhaps I'd experienced these pains earlier, but I was too new at this chronic illness thing and didn't quite understand what it was. Heck, I'm not sure now, but I have a hunch it's got something to do with FMS or CMP.

At any rate, I'll try to describe how these weird pains feel...

Last night, I was sitting on the couch with Don, enjoying some evening TV. Suddenly, out of nowhere, my lower left pelvic region felt like shards of glass were trying to break through my abdomen to run around the house, screaming. It was abrupt and made me "ow!" out loud, confusing Don as to what he might have done this time. I reassured him that it was nothing he'd done and felt it again. It was odd. I was happy to find that it settled back in and left me alone for the rest of of the night.

Today, I started my day feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck, but I still don't know why. I slept, dreamt, and don't remember exerting myself too much lately. (Although who knows what my thresholds are these days?) Eventually, I crawled into the shower and spent far too long trying to make the peppermint Dr. Bronner's soap wake me up or something, I guess. I got ready and drove myself to work. Getting out of the car was challenging, after having stiffened up during the drive (about a half-hour). I walked toward the building feeling sore in every last muscle from my butt down. Interesting, but nothing too unusual. Soreness is a fact of life for me now, even when I don't know exactly what I did to earn it. A few hours later, though, after going about my business at the office, I noticed my neck and shoulders got extremely tight and sore. My back hurts a little oddly too. It's like some package of misfortune has descended upon my upper body. What the heck? I try not to take too many as-needed meds if I can help it, but this seemed to warrant a muscle relaxant.

I'm still experiencing this high-level and sudden shoulder/neck stiffness and pain right now, and the legs are still sore when I walk. What happened? Was it something I did? More importantly, what's next??

I'm due for a vacation soon. Don has become wary of planning excursions with me lately, since he never knows if I'll be up to enjoying things with him, or if he'll end up having to try to enjoy something without me. I am convinced that if I am "on vacation" and not worrying about the usual stuff, my body will be more cooperative and let me have some fun without making me crash. I definitely won't be running marathons or anything crazy, but I think being pleasantly distracted helps keep stress levels down, which in turn, helps to keep my body processing working a little better than usual.

Cross your fingers for me!

The Mess of Stress

Stress is a mess. Okay, I just wanted to rhyme that, but it didn't make much sense. I should say it can make a mess of me.

There's a huge, whiz-bang project going on at work that is (hopefully) going to come to fruition this weekend. I work in IT and this is a new business application that our team has been working on for many, many months now. There's been lots of testing and fine-tuning, and I haven't been able to afford the luxury of a sick day in a few weeks. There is too much to get done and I don't want to be the one to delay this thing (again) so I am putting forth as much effort and bravery as I can muster.

Unfortunately, I'm paying the price on weekends and evenings, when Don wants to spend time with me, but gets a tired, achy, fibro-foggy bundle of blah instead. I spent some quality time with Don last Saturday, sipping delicious beers at our favorite watering hole. However, Sunday was pretty much breakfast together and then my collapsing onto the sofa with a feverish headache and feeling incredibly worn out. Don was nicely productive and did thousands of chores and things that needed doing. I had to make Sunday my sick day.

Well, enough boo-hooing about this, I guess. I try to remember, as I drag myself into the office each day, that I am glad I am employed and can actually still hold down a job in my condition. I know many fibromites are not working because they are essentially disabled, and in turn, broke. It's adding insult to injury that the sick also have to be poor because of the way our health system is structured right now. I have hope that someday, things will improve.

In the meantime, I am trying to get it all done and hope it's all worth it when the project is launched.

Weird Weather and Possible Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)

So, first a bit of good news... It gets hard to remember to notice the little victories sometimes. That cough I had that caused me some weird pain in my left side is finally done and gone. Also, I have backed off the Baby Steps quite a bit the last week or so (okay, that's kind of bad-ish news) but my tailbone is feeling much better, too. What's funny about these symptoms is that they are so very noticeable and bothersome when they occur, but when they finally leave, they just quietly sneak off and don't say good-bye. I noticed their absence much later than when it actually occurred. Good riddance, anyway!

Here's the latest bad news... It seems the weather has been making my symptoms flare up. We've been stuck in a weird low pressure system for the past few weeks, which has resulted in cold and mostly rainy weather. We've had hail and even a couple snowfalls in the past week! The snow arrived only about a week after we had 80+ degree weather here in Chicagoland. With the wacky weather I noticed more headaches, nausea, more overall pain and achiness, and a new kind of pain that seems to have settled in my legs and feet. I've been calling it bone pain. To make matters worse, I've also been dealing with added stress from work and stuff. Things at work are a bit on the crazy side, as we get closer to a major project deadline. I'm doing what I can to stay ahead of my own work, but I can tell my team is feeling stressed from problems and snags coming up this late and the probability of having to work longer hours to get everything done on time.

Now the neutral news... I had an appointment with my fibro doctor last Wednesday. Due to my fibro fog, I forgot to bring the notes I always bring with me, but I made do with a portable pad and pen and whatever notes I could remember to discuss. The appointment was for 5:40pm and I was on time; the doctor was not. I ended up waiting over an hour before I could have my appointment. (The explanation was a new patient and a thrown off schedule. I am switching back to morning appointments after this.) Anyway, while I was waiting as patiently as I could, I noticed I could not bear to sit still due to the "bone pain" in my legs. I moved them around and tried changing my posture periodically to read and distract myself, but it was no use. After about 45 minutes, I couldn't stand to sit (hehe) any longer and started pacing the waiting area. It's a small area and there were several other patients there, so I hesitated to start pacing and make them feel uncomfortable, but then I realized: it's a pain clinic! Certainly they would understand. Pacing helped my legs, even though it was a tight area and felt a little weird.

When it was finally my turn, the doctor and I discussed the weather affecting my symptoms, my change in medications, and, as usual, the doctor asked me about my sleep. He asked me if I feel refreshed in the mornings, or tired. I blurted out "tired" as if he should have known, before I realized how rude it must have sounded. Since I'd already apologized for having forgotten my notes and mentioned my retarded brain functioning, he was formulating a hypothesis and continued asking me questions. He asked specifically about whether I am moving my legs at night. I wasn't sure, but didn't think so. He asked if my husband complains that I keep him up with my movements at night. I know my restlessness has impaired his sleep quality, which is why I try to leave the room if I'm too awake to fall back asleep (like now). But he's also a very sound sleeper most of the time, so perhaps he's not noticing what I'm doing in my sleep because he's asleep himself. Then, I was surprised to hear the doctor tell me that he suggested I undergo a sleep study to see if I have Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS), adding that RLS is very treatable and could help me get better sleep, and in turn, bring back some of my thinking skills and chase away daytime fatigue.

A sleep study? Me? I've never thought of doing one. Would I be able to sleep at all with all the strange hookups and people watching? Then there was the RLS. I never thought I'd had this, though I knew it was common for fibromites to have. I do know someone who has been diagnosed and is being treated for RLS, but I always thought I'd know if I had it. Now that I've had a day or so to chew on this possibility, I am noticing the aches in my legs cause me to move my legs around quite a bit. As the doctor explained, RLS also entails shifting the legs around to try to find a comfortable position for them, but not succeeding. I thought back and realized that I have a hard time with my legs while watching TV in the evenings as well as at work at my desk. Then there was the incident right before the appointment, which I shared with him. I guess RLS is much more likely than I had realized.

As I type here, I am up due to my waking up and being unable to find a comfortable position to relax and fall asleep. I woke up shortly after 3am and noticed my legs were aching and I was stretching my ankles and trying to chase the pain off with movements. Then I decided I wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon and didn't want to keep disturbing Don's sleep, so I snuck off to do something more productive. I suppose it would be nice if I could at least effectively treat this pain/discomfort, even if that means adding yet another drug to my regimen. As a fibromite, it's rare to have confidence that any drug treatment is going to be effective, so hearing that RLS treatments are helping people is very promising. I won't pin my hopes and dreams on it (yet), but it's a ray of hope for some improvement. I'll take that.

Tomorrow I Move On to "Baby Steps 10+3"

Baby Steps 10+3 = 10 wall push-ups, 10 sit-ups, 10 leg lifts (using Don's weight bench), 3 arm lifts (each), 3 minutes on elliptical machine.

I've spent about 3 weeks, off and on, on the 10+2 stage, because I was having so much abdominal pain, diarrhea, and feeling like a Mack truck wreck for much of that time. BUT, since I've finally rebounded out of that IBS flare (until I find out otherwise, I'm considering it a severe IBS flare), I'm right back on track with my workout routine, and I think it's been very beneficial to me overall.

Although the weight of the abdominal trouble has finally been lifted and I am still kind of high on the feeling of NOT being in abdominal hell on a constant basis, I do still have Fibromyalgia and the pains and symptoms that go along with it.

Pacing is still an issue: I have spasms in my back if I sit too long at work without getting up and moving around, and the bones in my left arm and both legs have been very achy lately. I am dealing well with these symptoms lately, because, as I mentioned, I'm riding the high of finally being relieved of the digestive wreck that has been taking over my life since August. But I acknowledge that I'm still a chronically ill person and need to take special care not to forget and cause an unnecessary flare up.

So, I am maintaining my promise to myself to continue to slowly progress with my strength and endurance, so I can do more without triggering a flare, feel better about myself, and hopefully (eventually) manage to lose of some of this extra weight I've put on since last year. By going slowly, I've been able to feel good about achieving my daily goal every day, which is a nice feeling, and I've been able to take care to keep within my own abilities without overdoing things.

So, I've moved up from 1 wall push-up and 1 sit-up per day, back in November, all the way up to 10 each every day. After that, I added other types of activities to exercise other muscle groups and add stamina. So, I maintain the wall push-ups at 10 each day and the sit-ups at 10 each day, but now I've added leg lifts (with a very light weight), arm lifts (again, using a very light weight), and minutes on the elliptical machine that I used to use so much more before I got sick.

I've started at 1 each for these three new exercises, but a few days ago, I thought I'd see if I can do 10 of the leg lifts, since it felt too easy to do just 2 every day. The next day, I woke up with both legs feeling this awful ache, deep in the bone, all the way from the hips to the toes. I couldn't even lie in the bed comfortably, no matter how my legs were positioned. BUT, I made it through the day and am doing better. No real flare-up. I'm still doing 10 leg lifts every day now, while maintaining the gradual progression on the arm lifts and elliptical minutes.

Tomorrow, I am starting a week of 10+3. It's been several weeks since I've been able to progress much (other than the crazy step-skipping I did with the leg lifts), but I'm excited to keep increasing and maintaining. I feel stronger and better able to deal with the daily routines than I did before starting the program. I can walk at a pace that doesn't scream "granny" and hold up a crowd (as badly as before) and can more easily handle the daily routine as well as the variable tasks or events that are added to the day now and then.

I'm kinda proud.

In fact, sometimes, after getting all the exercises completed, I give myself a little pat on the back, just to make sure I remember to feel good about something as I start my day. No matter what else happens, I'll know that I, at least, was able to get my workout in.

Success! :)

My Worse Half - Left

What a complete fudgebucket of a day today is!

My sleep has degraded until it just completely crapped out at 3am this morning.  I woke up and went to pee, thinking I could fall back asleep after coming back from the bathroom if I don't turn the lights on.  Yes, it's come to that.  I try to fool myself into thinking I'm not really fully awake.  It has worked occasionally, but not this time.  I got back to bed and realized my plan failed miserably, as I was not able to get comfortable, plus I was wide awake (even though I spent all day at work yesterday feeling like a zombie).  I gave up and spent my early morning hours playing on Facebook, waiting for the Sandman to beckon me back to bed.  He stood me up.

So I started my day and flipped on the news while I had some breakfast.  Things were fine until I felt like I needed to move my neck a bit, so I did.  Instead of feeling a relieving adjustment, I felt excruciating pain.  It feels like I've contorted it into some awful position, but all I did was move it a little bit.  I didn't even stretch it!

So, ever since about 6am this morning, the left side of my neck, my left shoulder, my left arm, and the left side of my back, all the way down to my left hip, are all seized up in pain that intensifies with any movement.  Lovely. 

I waited a bit to see if it would subside.  Eventually, I had to decide to use up yet another of my very few remaining vacation days to stay home and rest.  I'm on much more pain medication than I ever really consider using, especially on a work day or a day when I need to drive.  Since I'm home, I thought I'd "pull out the big guns" as my husband said.

I tried going back to bed after contacting my boss, but there was no relief there and still no sleepiness.  I should be napping or something right now, but I can't.  I'm feeling out of order and unable to sit still.  My eyes feel like I've been awake for weeks, but I can't sleep.  I can't even lie down comfortably.  I'm restless.  I can't even deal with the television today.  I turn it on, hate whatever is on, search for something else, give up, and turn it off.  I've done this about three times today.  

I feel irritable, I guess.  It's probably a good thing I'm home by myself.  I hate subjecting Don to my irritability.  What's weird is that I recognize it (I hope) right away.  It's such and icky, uncomfortable feeling that just feels incurable.  Bleh.  I just wish I could shake it off.  There's a lot that needs to be done, but I'm in no shape to do it.  Yet I can't seem to rest.  It all just seems wrong and messed up.  

I am going to see if there is a trigger point I can find that might be causing this problem.  I have my Thera Cane and Knobble here, waiting to help me.  I hope they can.  If that doesn't work, I've got a heat wrap on my shoulder and hopefully I can lose myself in some reading or something.  Sometimes distraction is the only treatment that works for me.

Mack Truck Collides in Fibrofog

Today I woke up with such a stiff and painful neck that I couldn't even imagine moving, as I told my husband Don this morning as he kissed me good-by and headed off to work. It even hurt to lay still, but somewhat less than when I moved or even tried to move. I remember I turned my head about half a degree to the right to see him from the bed while he was talking to me, and it was some of the "loudest" pain I've ever known - screaming! Despite being all out of sick days for the year, I notified my boss that I needed to stay home and repair myself. That means rest and extra meds today. Extra meds likely means more fibrofog, too, and I'd already been having a bad bout of that.

Writing of fibrofog... I heard myself turning into an apparent idiot yesterday, while the damned fibro-monster stole my vocabulary from me as I watched in utter horror. Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but it was definitely noticeable and I sure didn't like it.

I was in a meeting at work yesterday. It was my meeting; I was there to gather requirements for a new project. My current boss and another manager at the company (my old boss) were the two other attendees in this meeting. The pauses I was taking to find the words to express myself were embarrassingly long, especially in comparison with the cadence of the conversation that was going on between the other two people in the room. I started to say something, then I just watched their eyes as they both waited with anticipation of what I might finally say. And I couldn't wait to find out what I'd say, either. What I settled for, eventually, was somewhat acceptable, but not optimal. I continued through the meeting, aware of this handicap, as best as I could and got the information I needed, fumbling along with lesser words and phrases than I intended to use. It's like my language skills are just limping along, crippled and deformed. If I had waited until I'd found the words I really wanted to use, it would take too long and I would lose my turn to speak. It's so frustrating, especially during situations like this, when my income is on the line.

Later that evening, I went out to get some tacos for dinner with Don at our favorite local taco place for "Taco Tuesday". I usually do the ordering when we go, so this experience was nothing new for me. Thanks to the fibrofog, though, I felt like I was going through the usual motions, but needed more time to think about what I was doing and saying to make sure it was correct. The poor kid taking my order must've wondered if I was retarded or something. I sure felt like it. Actually, I take that back. I have heard retarded people speak and they seem to do just fine. I don't know how to compare myself when I'm so foggy. "Der... um.. I'd like....two....tacos....." Ugh! What have I become?

While we ate our delicious tacos, I mentioned my recent struggles with language to Don. I seem mostly fine when I converse with him. There are times when I need to pause or whatever, but the casual conversation probably helps make it less noticeable. He asked me (a kind of "oh no" asking) if FM affects my brain, too. I explained, briefly, that yes, unfortunately, FM affects the central nervous system, which affects EVERYTHING, including my brain. It's a bitch of a disease. I forget that he isn't as in tune with all the subtleties of FM as I am. I am constantly reading up about research and other people's experiences with this condition - mostly to help me understand and cope with it all. I know how complex and all-encompassing it is. Fibromyalgia really is a life-changing condition, despite any outward appearances of "normalcy" among its victims.

At any rate, I am here at home, trying to relax, but letting all the nagging responsibilities of everyday life interrupt my sanctity. I am sweating a lot now, so I replaced my hot tea for a cold beer - a delicious Goose Island India Pale Ale. I figure I'd enjoy the flavor as well as the pain-masking benefits of the beverage at the same time. Maybe it will help me relax, too.