My Life at Forty

Ahh, life.  What is life?  It's consciousness, the ability to use energy and do things.  It's about choices as well as things that just kinda happen.  Some of my experiences are the results of my choices or the choices of others.  Some things also just happen.  Sometimes it's fun and happy; other times, not so much.

I turned 40 earlier this month.  I never used to care about age or understand why some people lie about their age.  "It's just a number," I would say to people.  30 was no big deal.  I felt fine with being a thirty-year-old.  It was just another birthday, though I do remember having a small party to celebrate it.  I suppose it was an excuse to to have a celebration and enjoy some pizza and cake with people.  Oh, and drinks.  Many, many drinks.  It was a good time.  I eased into adulthood, perhaps happy to leave the immature twenties behind.

In the weeks leading up to my 40th birthday, however, I kind of felt something new.  I kind of kept reflecting upon my age, my health, my death.  Will I live another 40 years?  Is this really the middle of my life?  The past forty years seem to have been short - will the next forty also feel short, or even shorter? 

I'm still not much for lying about age or denying it to myself.  I am facing these thoughts, mostly out loud to my husband, who turned 40 last year.  It's weird how I never anticipated this birthday being much more than some random milestone assigned by society.  I'm starting to get what those "Over the Hill" birthday party favors and gag gifts are about.  It's a way for everyone to acknowledge these feelings, but tempered with some humor.  I suppose celebrating birthdays with people both older and younger than yourself is really the right way to do it.  The older folks have gone through it already themselves, and survived!  That's encouraging.  The younger folks remind me of my younger days, not expecting to know what reaching older ages is like, both physically and mentally. 

Now that I've been "wearing" 40 for a few weeks, it seems to be less scary.  I still have to face the facts that I am now in a new age group.  Mammograms, colonoscopies, and bifocals are surely lining up for me in the near future.  I've had a few mammograms already - and yeah, OUCH - they are not fun.  But assuming the results keep coming back negative for any abnormalities, I'm okay with that. 

I came close to getting a colonoscopy back when my IBS was flaring up over several months, but as luck would have it, my awesome GI gave me a new medication that actually worked and we canceled the exam.  I am also aware of the process, as my husband has had several colonoscopies, due to his Crohn's disease.  It's not fun, lasts longer than a mammogram, and is pretty inconvenient, too.  Still, I can get through that.  I also have had an endoscopy done, if that counts for anything.

As for bifocals, I'm already nearsighted since high school, and usually opt for contact lenses to correct my distance vision.  Since that car accident in 2006, though, my vision has changed in several ways, and continues to change rather frequently.  I already notice my very near vision has become blurry, making reading fine print challenging.  Again, though, perhaps a prescription change is not so terrible.  I've been managing corrective lenses thus far.  I can probably handle that.  I guess.

So, these are not so scary.  Aging gracefully may still be an option for me.  Many folks make it to 80 and 90 in relatively good health.  With lifelong conditions like Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, and Asthma, I understand I have additional challenges, but I also understand that being as fit as I can be is the key to empowering me with the best health I can achieve.  I know that eating healthy and staying active goes a long way toward preserving good health, so I will strive to do those things.

Some other recent events have also caused me to reflect on my age and mortality. 

Near the end of the workday on my 40th birthday, my husband suffered a severe kidney stone attack.  The stone was 6.5mm across and was stuck very near the left kidney.  I'll spare you the details, but life was miserable for him for several weeks thanks to this surprise.  We had to cancel my birthday party, and he felt bad about that, but I wanted him to feel better and stay close to home in case of any complications.  He's passed some of it and is feeling much better now, finally.

I also recently learned that my mother-in-law had suffered a stroke.  This was not her first, but it seems more serious that the one she had before I met her.  Although she was told that one side of her body will not recover this time, I am hoping that she can beat the odds and regain some function and sensation that was lost.  Thank goodness it was not her dominant side and she can still do some things.  I'm also glad that she can talk and remember us all. 

As we approach the year 2013, I have listed a few new resolutions (which I never used to do until 2012) that take into consideration my age, my health, my family, and my wants and needs.  I wish to be more responsible with my own health, as an investment of my old age as well as to help relieve others of the need to worry about me.  This includes considering making decisions and arrangements for what will happen to my remains when I die.  I feel it's the responsible thing to do. 

When life manages to give me warnings, I strive to make the most of it, whether it's through me or others, and learn something from it.  I won't live my life sheltered, but I will not live recklessly if I can help it.

Take care and do pay attention to your own body and look for the warning signs that could help keep you healthy and young at heart.  I hope the next year brings you closer to your personal goals and opens your eyes to wonderful opportunities! 

That Last Straw

Have you ever just had a terrible day when one thing after the next just went wrong?  Maybe it was more than a day.  I've been dealing with some bad news and stressful things happening and they culminated into a moment that, unfortunately, resulted in a mini nervous breakdown, because of that last straw that broke Benia's back. 

Singly, my stressful things weren't that unbearable.  They're no fun, but I can handle them alone.  It's when they all decide to happen together and overlap into an overwhelming mess of crap that I have trouble. 

For example, work-related stress over deadlines, earnings, etc. are also typical of most employed people.  My surprisingly high blood pressure is one more diagnosis for me to deal with.  Major household appliances expiring and requiring immediate action for replacement happen.  Then a loved one's health problems creeping in with a flare-up of unknown severity.  My car's check engine light decided to get in on the action.  Then a health insurance change with serious financial implications was suddenly forced upon us with little time to plan and research.  My asthma was feeling the stress and making sure I noticed it, no matter how much I fought it. 

Then I got a phone message from my parents - people who love me and miss me but have no idea how much strength I muster on any given day, just to get by and pretend I'm normal.  There is also a language barrier, as they are immigrants and I am American-born.  Our conversations are limited to what we can successfully express in the others' comfortable language.  I called back and just mention my having a bad day and before I know it, I'm getting lectured on how I can't possibly have anything to stress over because I have no kids.  THAT was the last straw. 

I could not handle one more thing and yet there it was.  I broke.  It was extremely unfortunate that I broke down while on that call, because without being able to explain that life just took a shit on me recently, I ended up not making any sense at all and ended up seeming secretive.  Who wants to list all their problems to people who immediately judge and compare them to their own standards?  I am not secretive or dishonest.  I just did not have a good way to convey my bad day and explain my emotional fragility.

THEN, THAT phone call added yet another unnecessary straw to my load.  Since then, I've been accused of keeping secrets and lying to cover up some problem that would be catastrophic.  My own parents had two days to speculate the very worst since my breakdown.  Today they made an excuse to come see me so they could find out more.  UGH, I did this so wrong!  They came and we talked.  Their accusations were not helping me.  I did my best to explain that I just had a bad string of luck but that I'm okay.  Nobody is getting a divorce or fighting or dying or whatever other awful things they imagined.  I also told them that I know that they are trying to help and that I appreciate it, but I just cannot take it right now.  They mean well, but the advice I get from them is just SO unhelpful!  If they only realized how much they are just making things worse with their loving help.  Knowing that they cannot understand and that they meant well is all that kept me from losing my mind all over again. 

I need a break, I tried to explain.  I think they got it, but they are far too generous with their advice about every last thing they think I need help with.  They cannot help me.  They make assumptions that I cannot seem to debunk for them.  There are details about my life that I am unwilling to have to share just to get them to stop helping.  Eat this.  Take that supplement.  It works for them.  OMG, just stop.  Thank you, Mom and Dad, seriously, for caring, but I just don't need this advice.

This is how I'm doing.  I will have better days, but not for a while, I think. :P

Success! ...and Stress

To follow up on my last post, I have been pretty good about not "cracking" my right wrist for the past month.  I caught myself on a few occasions, but I think the month has mostly allowed me to break the habit. I still need to pay attention to maintain and not slip back into old habits because it seems to have made a difference in the lightning nerve pains I'd been having in my right forearm.  I cannot recall having any episodes in my right forearm during the past month.

This little experiment is by no means conclusive with regard to a cause and effect.  I realize one month is not a large enough sample time to conclude the not cracking (much) prevents nerve pain, since the episodes can be very infrequent for any number of reasons.  However, it's enough incentive for me to keep trying to not crack and keep watching for other correlations.  Besides, who wouldn't prefer to having some sort of control over these wacky symptoms to just taking whatever luck provides?

That said, I know that my neck, back, shoulders, ankles, and knees all still crack, even if I try not to.  I'll still be as good as I can be about avoiding it if I can.  (Sometimes it hurts if I don't crack my back or neck.)

In other news, my work life has become unbelievably stressful in the past month.  I know it's serious because I'm having asthma attacks at work in addition to all the unpleasantness.  I'm on the brink of breaking down mentally from the pressures put upon me.  I almost had a nervous breakdown during my lunchtime yoga session today!  I would have thought yoga would help, but failing at all the demanding poses just added to my frustrations.  I kept it together by realizing I couldn't easily justify a breakdown to my classmates.  "It's just yoga!" I imagined they'd say.  And they're right.  Yoga, of all things, should not contribute to my stress, and it most certainly should not be allowed to be the straw that broke Benia's back!  After pondering the ridiculousness of it all, I managed to get through it and deal.  I knew I'd be better as soon as I'd gotten through it all and feel the accomplishment.  I did notice a lot of muscle tension and cramping today, though.  Probably due to the work stresses.

I know it's not right to let it affect me like this, but somehow I've gotten myself stuck in a terrible situation where I'm juggling several high-priority projects all at once and the rest of my team is doing the same.  Personally, I think my boss has lost his marbles about what is physically possible, but how does one go about addressing this with the person who controls one's income and other important things?  On paper, yeah - you go to your stressful person and say, hey, please lay off on the stressful stuff please.  In reality, there's a lot of apprehension about doing that, worry about doing it wrong, worry about consequences that affect not only myself but others.  Ugh...  I will have better days.  I just have to believe in that.

I'm doing what I can with what I've got for now.  Hopefully I'll live to post another day...

Feeling a Bit Better

Feeling Lame Update:

As you may have read in my previous post, yesterday, I was a hot mess.  I'm not skipping along merrily just yet today, but I did manage to get some sleep last night.  Although my back is still hurting quite a bit, and I had more bloody nose mess in the morning, I did not have any more bleeding for the rest of the day (amazingly), and I did not have asthma issues at work today.

I may be headed for better days soon.  I've been making a real effort to eat healthier and have been managing to get A's in Calorie Camp because of it, so hopefully that effort is helping something to go right.  Not sure what made it go so wrong yesterday, but such is the life of a fibromite - always unpredictable.  Oh, bonus: I lost 3 pounds as of my weigh in this morning.  Yay me! 

I'm going to continue hoping for better days now.  Thanks for reading.  I hope you are having a good day.

Feeling Lame

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, yet again, but despite my best efforts, my sleep has been ridiculously scant and superficial for the past month, even when I use the new ear plugs.  I still like them for tuning out the noise, but apparently noise is not the only trigger that wakes me. 

For instance, the other night, I slept and dreamt, but woke up suddenly in the middle - well, at the apparent sudden END, I guess - of each dream, for no apparent reason.  No noise, no gasping for air, no falling or startle dream, nothing.  One second, in a creative story of my mind, next minute wide, fucking awake.  This must have happened about a hundred times that night. 

Each night is different, too.  Last night, for instance, I don't remember dreaming, but I slept for a few hours before my brain decided I shouldn't sleep for the rest of the night.  I woke up around 3am and finally got up after 4am to address some of the things popping into my mind.  I'm tired as all hell at the moment.  In fact, I left work early today because I couldn't function.  It's unseasonably warm today (60 degrees F for January in Chicagoland is very unusual) and that may or may not have anything to do with the fact that today my asthma has been the worst it's been in months, that I can recall.  I have been coughing and trying to breathe for hours, then noticed I was feeling faint, probably from the lack of oxygen getting to my brain. 

On top of that my face flushed up and felt like it was burning up (this is still about a daily occurrence) AND my nose started bleeding, right there in the office (another daily occurrence).  It was too much and I was starting to sense microsleeps occurring due to my sleep deficit.  I carefully drove home and I'm about to try and nap some of this crap away.  Savella is already making my heart beat way too fast and hard (100+ beats per minute at rest is not normal) but the rescue inhaler also makes me shakey and screw it up even more. 

In addition to the above, my lower back is having spasms for the past few days, despite my increased muscle relaxants, stretching, and a great massage treatment just yesterday.  However, the pain from that pales next to the nerve pain jolts I've been getting in the back of my right thigh for the past several days.  It's maddeningly sudden and severe every time. It makes me jump and/or gasp involuntarily, and I'm pretty good and not bringing attention to my pains in front of others.  I've been calling this sciatica, but really I don't know what it is.  I've been told my piriformis muscle is likely impinging on it, so I stretch when it occurs, to try to prevent further jolts.  It's difficult to say whether anything helps this - as it's so intermittent.  I get a similar pain in my forearm as well, and that's been acting up lately, too.

I wanted to write this all down while I'm feeling it so I can give my future self an accurate description of what went on today.  This is about all I can handle at the moment.  Stay tuned for an update of how great I'm feeling later (hopefully).  I will have better days.  I will have better days.  I will have better days...

Drugs: Loaded for the Week

Benia's Weekly Pills

I just loaded up my weekly pill organizers for another seven days.  Here's a lovely photo of all the pills I'll be taking in the next week.

The white box is for morning pills and the blue box is for bedtime pills.  Pretty crazy, eh?  There are both medications and supplements in here.  This picture doesn't even include the inhaler, nasal spray, eye gel or cream I use daily. 

My body requires a lot of maintenance, as the basic functions are not working as they should.  I have always been the type of person who would avoid taking medicines if possible, and let my body's natural back-up systems do their work.  As a kid with allergies, I almost never took anything for them - just tried to avoid the triggers and always have tissues on hand.  As I became a teen, I developed asthma and the inhaler became a necessary part of life.

With myofascial pain and fibromyalgia dragging me down in my adulthood now, the need to assist my body's defective functions with medications has culminated into this weekly regimen of pills, along with other treatments and habits not pictured.

Such is the life of a fibromite...