Free Meditation Podcasts

A friend recently shared a link to a good resource for helping quiet the mind. It's a link to the Meditation Oasis podcasts. They are free and easy to use. They are just a few minutes long each, so they are not too difficult to fit into a busy day.  Give these a try.

https://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/

Painful Foot Update: Peroneal Tendonitis

So, last Friday, I went to a new foot doctor about the pain and swelling around my outer right ankle bone.  The whole staff was very nice.  The doctor pressed on various areas of my bare foot and asked if it was painful.  He found the worst spot (toward the back heel side of the bony area) and suspected an inflamed tendon.

I had my foot x-rayed to rule out any bone or other problems - all clear there.  With my past history of having this same problem a few months back, and since it went away with just some icing and rest, he says we can assume this is peroneal tendonitis.  If it gets better in a few days with the ice, Aleve, rest, etc. that would support the diagnosis.  However, if it gets worse or does not subside, we can do more detailed testing like MRI to see if anything has torn.

An ankle brace was recommended to help support the foot and reduce further inflammation while walking around, so I went and got one after my appointment.

I was also told my arches were slightly flat, and that my foot posture turning downward on the inner sides of my feet was possibly contributing to my tendonitis.  The doctor recommended getting some good shoe inserts with sturdy arch support. So I got a pair of these as well.  Since I had some cheap inserts in my boots already, he looked at them and added some felt to the bottom of the arch area, to beef up the support a bit.  I thought that was nice.

I also got a great printout of strengthening exercises to do to help prevent further injury to my feet, and have been giving those a try each day.  I'm backing off the daily stairs climbing at work until I feel better, and the yoga and other activities are mostly on hiatus, too, to I can rest the bad foot.  I did do some yoga poses today, though.  I just made sure I didn't use my feet for support and took extra care to look for any signs of pain in that bad ankle.

So, here I am, several days later with my foot feeling a lot better, but not quite back to normal yet.  I am still wearing the ankle brace but I have put the cane away and have just been stepping slowly and carefully at work and at home.

I'm a bit cranky otherwise, though, because other symptoms have been acting up.  I fear that the Aleve I was told to take (always with meals, mind you) for the inflammation was irritating my stomach, so I stopped taking it.  I had some gastritis a while back and don't know if that is still with me, or if it's just more IBS or something else.  I have been dealing with some sharp, stabbing pains in my ribs and back the past couple of days, and my eyes feel like I've been awake too long, though I did manage to sleep.  Then yesterday, out of nowhere, tinnitus in my left ear just started raging with this loud, muffling ringing for hours.  On top of all of these symptoms, like the cherry on top, is all the mental garbage that tags along: my difficulty with focus and memory, plus the stress of dealing with all this crap while trying to live and manage and keep my job.  I declare a flare.  And I am just trying to remember that there is hope at the other end of this particular nightmare.  I just don't know when exactly that will be.

Reflections on the Table

As the new year begins again, I reflect on last year's resolutions. I managed to get a couple of them done. (Hooray!) However, I piled on too much for myself, which is typical of me, and have a bunch of incomplete goals.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it, because I learned that it's okay.  I did make progress on all of the other ones, which is the whole point of setting goals.  This year, I'm giving higher priority to the old resolutions, with modifications, and see if I can do as well and manage to cross something off in a dozen months, even if I won't be able to cross all of them off.  Progress is progress and I will take it.

Well, winter is definitely on, here in the midwest.  It has been snowing and snowing! Plus we had that crazy "polar vortex" deep freeze a couple weeks back that kept me and many others home from work for a couple days. Knowing how the cold always exacerbates my symptoms, my dear husband has been dutifully shoveling the driveway and sidewalks all winter, without my help.  Thanks, Don!  I very much appreciate it!  

Despite my trying to stay warm, I have had a bit of a setback this week with a flare up that started a couple days ago. My back is apparently very angry that I exercised and kept working all week, so yesterday, it spasmed, painfully, all afternoon and all evening and through the night.  I woke up this morning unable to get up from bed for quite a long time, as the pain in my back raged on.  I knew I'd have to get up eventually, though, so I made my way to my heating pad, which helped.

It's incredibly frustrating to keep trying to be healthy and productive while the Chronic Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia keep conspiring to knock me down and punish me for it.  Like many other fibromites, I feel the better days that come along between flare ups can be both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is feeling less pain and feeling less miserable, but the curse is that we all seem to do too much on these good days, because it's our best chance at getting things done.  Then we crash hard because we overdid it.  But, I need to remember that I will have better days and I will have worse days, and it may not make any sense when they occur.  I do what I can to help minimize the worse days and plan for special occasions, but fibro doesn't care. I am still learning to accept that.

Moving on...

I find I'm feeling a little less willing to share my life's details here lately.  It's great to get things off my chest or share things I've learned, but sometimes I guess I just feel more private about things.  Hopefully that's okay with you.  I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's just how I'm feeling. I have been playing with the idea of perhaps closing up the shop here and ending the blog altogether.  That seems a bit wrong of me, though, especially since I have been such a big proponent of blogging and journaling for anyone with chronic health issues.  

It's good to put things into words, you know?  And whether that occurs online, in a private email to a friend, or in a journal, or even just phrased in the mind, I have found answers to confounding questions, time after time, the very moment I finish phrasing the question.  Has this happened to you?  

For instance, I'll be racking my brain all day about, say, the name of an actor I saw in a commercial or something. After hours and hours of hoping for the answer to come to me, I finally ask someone else and BAM! As soon as I hear myself ask the question out loud, the correct answer pops right into my head. It happens at home and it happens at work.  At work, I have had the answer come to me after phrasing an email just right.  Many times, the email never has to be sent, because I figure it out once I just phrase the question right. I do hate to ask for help, which is why I'm glad I figured out this magical answer-finding tip. 

Anyway, getting back to my possibly quitting the blogging... I wonder who reads my words and if they help anyone. It's okay if this is all just a cathartic public journal for me, too, but I guess if I'd be missed, I might try harder to keep things going. I won't commit to anything today, but it's on my mind.  I have subscribed to many blogs over the years and have noticed that some just... stop. There is no good-bye, no warning, no indication that the author intended to quit or if the choice was made for him/her.  I wonder if those authors are okay.  Most of them just get busy, I know, and that's fine.  The blogging is an enhancement to the rest of their lives, which should take a higher priority.  I guess because I'm aware of how it feels to be a reader of a blog that just dies, I wanted to address the topic while I was still writing, in case I do decide to quit.

Like I said, I 'm still here and I will still attempt to post tidbits of knowledge and experience as they come to me, but if I'm not around for a while, just know I'm exercising my right to change things in my life to make it better for myself.  Stay warm!!

Stuck Between Worlds

The other night, I watched an interesting episode of "Torchwood".  There was a time-traveling character named Bilis who said he was trapped between time, or outside history, or something like that.  He can travel through time, but lamented that he didn't belong anywhere in it, and in that episode, he'd had enough of it. I can relate.

I sometimes feel this way about my place in the world,  as a relatively high-functioning fibromite.  I don't quite fit in with "normal" people, because of my invisible limitations, yet I am not always easily welcomed into circles of chronically ill, either.  (Or at least it doesn't always feel that way.)  I did not realize the latter until recently, but I noticed the way I am treated in these groups is different from how some of the others there are treated.  I have plenty of symptoms, yet I manage to work full time and do many of the things that normals do, even if I have to do them carefully or differently.  This somehow makes it difficult for me to fit in anywhere.  I don't feel I have the right to vent in these groups - not fully. Nor do I feel I can vent with so-called "normals" who don't have Fibromyalgia.  

And I understand that those who are bedridden, in severe and constant pain, and without income, definitely have more to vent about.  I get that.  But the fact remains, I don't easily find a place that meets my own needs.  I can give advice and share research information and offer sympathy, but I feel like my needs could never be a priority to them, not the way a more severely affected fibromite's needs may be. I feel a bit second-class there, even though I don't believe it is entirely intentional.  Does this emotion make sense?  

I still have these emotional needs, but I'm in some sort of no man's land, where I don't measure up or down to the standards of existing groups that I've found thus far. Don't get me wrong, but I worry that a group treating me this way could inadvertently be encouraging its members to stay sick.

Anyway, there was a response to one of my comments in a group that felt a little unnecessarily harsh toward me. It was not directly offensive, but a fibromite in a low mood would not have appreciated the response at that time.  And I have recently been in that low mood, so it was a little fresh on my mind yet.  I wanted to be the bigger person in all this, so I just let it be. I did not want to start an argument that neither of us wanted to have. There is always the possibility that symptoms are affecting moods among any of us at any given moment. So I try to remember to tread lightly, just in case.  

So what's a Benia to do? Who can be my true peers when I need them? Are others feeling isolated among people who should be their friends, or is this just me?  Is there an undercurrent in some of the interactions you have with other fibromites? Is there a place for people like me to feel at home?  Do you know of groups like this?

If you think I'm making too much of this, I can appreciate that, but I don't think I should have to be on my own because I am managing my chronic illness to some degree, so I can live.  We each need support, regardless of our own perceived level of suffering.

I think it's probably a good idea to let things simmer a bit before I comment or say something back that I might regret, in case I'm the one who has misinterpreted the comment.  I mean, we're all kind of emotionally broken at one time or another, thanks to our ridiculously unpredictable symptoms.  It's probably a miracle we can get together at all.  I know that I may be making too much of all this, but, regardless of the way I feel about these specific examples, I do know that there is a variety of fibromites at various stages with varying symptoms and life challenges getting together in groups, and we are not always able to be level-headed about things when the fibro beast has been beating us down all day (or week or month or year).  It's almost a powder keg for any of us to belong to these groups, given our fibro fog and mood issues.  When we need a friend the most, we are not always going to be thinking clearly.  It's a risk.  Buyer beware and all that.  Perhaps there should be a preamble or mission statement that covers this kind of stuff in the fibro groups.

Changes for Better Sleep with Fibromyalgia

Insomnia was one of the symptoms that helped my doctor diagnose Fibromyalgia.  For some reason, we fibromites cannot seem to reach the deepest stages of sleep, and frequently, it can be difficult to get much sleep at all.  I have spent several years, including a handful of really bad months straight, waking up around 2am or so and not falling asleep for several hours, or sometimes, not falling asleep at all the entire night.  Today, thankfully, I have finally got a good routine of sleep going again.  If I can't get the quality of sleep I need, I'm at least getting the quantity, which still makes a big difference for me and my sanity.  So, for those of you going mad from insomnia, I thought I'd share what seems to be helping me catch more Z's.

Several things have changed for me, including the meds I take, as well as several of my habits and personal goals.  I try to notice correlations between how I feel and what I do or what is happening when I have questions about new or persistent symptoms that pop-up.

Journaling
I can't say enough about journaling, blogging, or at least keeping track of things quickly in a calendar or other logging medium.  When you wonder how long a symptom has been around, check your entries and eliminate the need for guessing.  If you wonder if the weather is behind an infrequent symptom, check your entries for clues.  When it's time to visit the doctor, prepare with bullet points and questions after reviewing your entries since the last visit.  Write stuff down, even if you don't think it's relevant.  Sometimes that added detail can be important later on.

Medications & Supplements

Firstly, like many of you, I am side-effect sensitive to lots of medications.  I've tried Lyrica, Cymbalta, Savella, I'd been on SSRIs and SNRIs, muscle relaxants, and Rx opioids for pain, plus several supplements, per my various doctors over the years.  I'm now happy to be OFF the meds that raised my blood pressure and body temperature and caused me more grief than relief for many months leading up to early last year.  I now only take one medication regularly: cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril).  I take it at night to allow the drowsiness help me fall asleep while it works to help relax my muscles.  I love it when I can get more than one benefit from one thing.  The muscles aren't "fixed", but it definitely helps and also helps me feel sleepy at bedtime.  I'm very glad the same dose is still effective for me, too.  On top of everything else, it's not a new drug, so I can get the generic version and not worry about ridiculous insurance copays.  (Stressing over health costs does not help one get sleep.)

Caffeine

My coffee maker sits in the pantry unless we have guests over.  I like the taste of black coffee and used to drink cup after delicious (and free) cup in the office, enjoying the warmth and aromas all day long. My husband warned me that I would become addicted.  "Pish posh," I told him.  "Caffeine doesn't do anything to me."  However, he was vindicated when he pointed out that I was getting headaches around the same time and day each weekend.  Needless to say, these headaches unnecessarily contributed to my less than restful weekends.  Once I realized my body was addicted to the caffeine, I made a conscious effort to reduce my intake of regular coffee at the office until I found a good balance.  So I now have one cup, or occasionally two cups of black regular coffee on any given day, before lunch time, and then switch to decaf, tea, or water for the rest of the day.  No more weekly headaches and sleep is much more available to me now.  I also stay hydrated better, which keeps headaches away as well.  It does make a difference after all.

Food

Another habit that have changed is my eating habits.  Over a year ago, I started eating fresh salads full of veggies, fruits, and healthy proteins and fats (beans, avocado, fish, etc.) every work day at lunch time, from a Whole Foods Market near my work.  I love fresh produce and I love knowing it's good for my body and filled with healthy fiber, water, and various nutrients to give my body a fighting chance against whatever is out of order.  I started on the salads to help me lose some weight, but optimizing my health is most important to me.

I also started mixing up smoothies with fresh and frozen fruits and vegetables after I saw a Vitamix demonstration at that Whole Foods one day.  I tasted a green smoothie that was made before my eyes with nothing more than a huge wad of spinach, banana, and some pineapple chunks (and water).  It was like green candy!  I was inspired and started pricing the fancy blenders that night.  Yikes, they are expensive!  Then I realized my blender at home (Waring Pro) has plenty of horsepower in the motor to blend up smoothies at home at no additional cost!  

I started with some simple recipes I found online (including that spinach, banana and pineapple wonder) to get the proportions right, but after a few times, I eyeballed everything and made up new recipes.  Pinterest has plenty of interesting smoothie recipes to try.  It wasn't until my husband wanted to lose some weight that he got into making smoothies every weekday morning for breakfast, and a full pitcher is enough for 2 servings, so I get whatever he makes.  I really love them!  If you like fruit, but hate the veggies you know you should eat, definitely try blending them together for a tasty and nutritious, and easy to digest meal.  You can get creative and add all sorts of fun things, like nuts, seeds, honey, dark chocolate, nut butters, squashes... anything you can blend, basically.  Experiment and find your favorites.

Physical Activity
I made a pretty easy resolution this year to make sure I exercise at least a little bit every few days.  I have been doing yoga classes weekly, but when those went away, I took what I learned from class and did my own custom routines at home.  Yoga is one of several activities I do for exercise.  Others including walking, getting on the elliptical machine, stair-climbing, and various gentle stretches and exercises for my hips and back - areas I need to keep strong and stretched to keep some of my troublesome symptoms down.  The idea is to keep moving to try to prevent those awful muscle spasms, keep my blood circulating, and of course, to keep my weight healthy.  I noticed that keeping track of my activities helps motivate me to do more.  I provide a link to my activities in this exercise focused post.

Sleeping Positions

Before Fibromyalgia came along, I always used to prefer sleeping on my side, but I recently started to notice that, although I can fall asleep on my side, I almost always wake up on my back.  I used to hate sleeping on my back, but with everything in some level of pain, it makes sense that my hips, knees, and shoulders all feel better when I'm not putting pressure on them.  So now, when I'm ready to go to sleep, I frequently settle into position on my back with my head slightly turned to one side, especially in the middle of the night, or if I'm having a particularly painful spasm at bed time.

Everyone is different, of course, and there may be things I didn't remember to list or didn't realize make a difference with sleep.  If you have other tips for better sleep for fibromites, please feel free to comment.  Sweet dreams.

Where Does the Time Go with Fibromyalgia?

I have some things I want to shop for, like clothing and shoes. I also long to just browse at shops for ideas or for pleasure, like I used to. My to-do list has plenty of things on it and it keeps getting longer, it seems. These are tasks I seem never to be able to get to. I keep leaving it for another day, when I'm feeling up to it, but those days seldom seem to arrive. When I'm busy, I'm at work. When I need a break, I rest. My responsible pacing is at odds with my need for effective productivity.

I remember, once upon a time, when I could get up early, do a full day's work, exercise, do errands at lunch, and even do some shopping here and there, after work, or do some chores or enjoy some hobbies, make and eat dinner or go out with friends, relax, go to bed, get a good night's sleep and do it all over again the next day.  I could do it all and enjoy it!

These days, I drag myself out of bed much later, force myself to stretch a little, get to work later, grab lunch and eat at my desk, go home later in the evenings, collapse when I get home or make some sort of dinner, eat, look at Facebook for a few minutes, then head for bed and sleep as long as I can.  I definitely need more sleep now than I used to before FMS.  It also takes me longer to do everything, especially in the morning, because my body is so stiff and in pain.  I strive to keep up with the old me - the "normal" me, yet it seems I have a lot less time to get it all done.  Where does the time go?

My conclusion is that Fibromyalgia is sucking up the time and energy.

Yes, I blame the Fibrobeast.

It makes me move more slowly, think more slowly, and requires me to sleep more.

Plus, with pain and fatigue following me around with everything I do, I am not fully able to focus on what I do.  As a result, I have the additional burden of feeling crappy when I don't remember something or have to ask others to repeat what they said, or can't follow a story.  I try, I'm just at a distinct disadvantage here.  If you're a "normal", try to imagine focusing on a verbal explanation or story while a dog bites you in the leg.  Suddenly the story is not a priority, right?

I'm constantly trying to override the pain hierarchy while living my life.  It's not easy.  I'm actually surprised I can still hold down a job.  It's a pretty technical and abstract one, at that.  I definitely use a lot of energy keeping up with the workload and trying to ignore the physical hurdles every day.

Getting plenty of sleep is important for everyone, but especially for those with Fibromyalgia, because our brains don't let us reach all the deepest, rejuvenating stages of sleep.  The best we can do is hope for quantity and accept the poor quality of our sleep.  I have spent many a long night wide awake for several hours at a time while waiting for my brain to retire and let me sleep.  I've also had a few nights when sleep never came at all, and I was awake all night because I could not sleep, despite my exhaustion.

These days, I'm glad to report that I do sleep on most nights and sleep for most of the night.  The medicine I take also keeps me asleep longer, which is good, but takes more time from my day.  I guess I just wish I didn't feel like I'm always dragging myself through mud and pulling a huge boulder to get where I need to go and do what I need to do.

The lesson learned here is to lower my own expectations of what I can accomplish.  My daily "spoon" allotment has been lowered and I need to be more realistic about how many "spoons" it really takes for me to get through a day, and for each of my personal tasks to get done.  

Stress and Asking for Help

Work stress and physical Fibro stress.

Work is very stressful for me at the moment.  There is much to do and so many people counting on me and my team to do what seems impossible.  A coworker called me "Superman" when he felt the stress of it all.  Although it came up when he confessed that everyone relies on me to understand and explain everything we work on, only because I didn't have an answer this particular time, I am flattered by the sentiment.  I guess I already knew I was secretly super.

Anyway, back to work stress  There are just so many factors - multiple projects, tight deadlines, new problems to figure out, new people involved, an extended absence from a key colleague - that make this a very difficult  and stressful time for me at work, even if I didn't have the additional burden of my chronic health problems to top it all off.  As we all know, I'm sure, emotional stress leads to physical stress on our fragile, fibro bodies.  I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night and could not stop thinking about work.  I felt worn out and down in the dumps about my inability to keep up with the crazy workload.  I must have sounded more upset than usual, as several, concerned coworkers noticed today and offered a kind ear.  No time for venting, though.  I had to press on.

Something I did learn today, though, is that it's really okay to ask for help.

When I finally accepted help with my top priority work today, I felt a lot better.  I mean LOADS!  Until then, I had dreaded having to admit that I needed help on this project that I was entrusted to wrap up rather quickly.  I imagined the worst-case scenarios, over and over in my head.  When emotions occupy my mind, I know from past events, that my logic degrades sharply.  The fatigue from too little sleep and pains that arise from that, also fog up my brain, preventing me from thinking clearly.  Can you relate?  I heard myself answering questions incorrectly, then correcting myself incorrectly.  I ended up sounding like I was lying, but I just could not find answers to the questions being asked.  It's a mess.

During the collaborative process, however, I felt my stressful feelings were validated because it was obvious that others realized just how daunting my task really is.  And, of course, the joint effort was also very helpful in getting me going in the right direction. We made progress figuring some of the challenges out together and forging a more specific plan for me.  After that, I was much better able to focus on the task at hand, rather than being distracted by the downward spiral of worrying and physical symptom flare-up.

I know it's difficult for some of us Type-A personalities to admit we need help, much less actually ASK for help from others when we really need it.  However, it's probably worth the risk of asking if you feel stuck in that ugly spiral.  I was lucky that help was being foisted upon me, despite my unfounded resistance.

I will work on recognizing the signs before it's too late, and remind myself that it's okay to ask for help.  Even Superman can't always do it alone.  That's why he's got Super Friends to help him out. ;)

Livin' La Vida Enferma

The life of a fibromite is riddled with setbacks.  And they always seem to be surprises, too.  You'd think I would expect the flare-ups and sick days, like today, but no.  I still have some crazy hope and idea that I'm able to overcome this lifelong condition.  Alas, I do realize that I am doomed to always live "the sick life".

Overall, I would still say I'm doing lots better than I was a few years back, especially in the early days, before and just after the official Chronic Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia diagnoses.  Back then, I did not know very much about these conditions, nor what affects them.  Today, six years after the incident that triggered it all, I have learned a lot about the conditions, the symptoms,  the treatments, and how my body behaves, including the flare-up triggers, and the things that seem to help me.  I now have a basis for maintaining some sort of basic, pseudo-normal lifestyle, complete with a full-time office job, marriage, vacations, hobbies, chores, and problems.  Although it's still very easy for me to forget how fragile that balance is.

Blame the fibrofog (which has really been oddly worse lately, or I'm more aware of it these days) or blame the hope I give myself when I see how much progress I've made with living with chronic health problems over the years.  I am frequently finding myself scratching my head over what caused the last flare-up.  Today is one of those times.

So, I've been doing my exercises, as you saw in the last post.  I've been eating lots of veggies, fruits, nuts, and good, healthy food.  I've been having my back massaged every couple of weeks to keep the tender points in check.  I've even taken a vacation recently to relieve stress.   Yet, here I am, with headache in my nose/face, aching in my bones, some more digestive issues, and fatigue.  Looking back, I remember complaining about a new pain that has crept up in my chest (I think Costochondritis), and the digestive stuff for a few weeks now, but I assumed that if I kept doing what I've been doing to stay healthy, that they would just pass quickly.  I guess the lesson learned today is that I cannot assume that in the future.  They are red flags that I need to remember to take seriously.

Knowing myself, I know I'll have to repeat this lesson.  It's extremely difficult for me to decide to stay home from work with so much going on there, just to try to stave off a flare, when I notice a slight worsening of my usual symptoms.  Yet, here I am, knowing that it's the right thing to do and paying the price (again) for deciding to push through the pain.  I think what I fear is never really knowing if a flare would have occurred if I ignored the signs.

For example, I noticed more IBS problems than usual have been occurring for the past few days.  Let's say I make the conscious decision to take a day off work to rest and treat the symptoms.  I feel better by that afternoon.  Then I feel guilty for staying home and not going to work.  But this is where that logic fails. Had I not taken the day off, I would find myself at work, trying to subtly attend to my IBS symptoms between meetings and obligations, stressing, rushing, and making things worse, which would eventually trigger a flare-up of more Fibromyalgia symptoms.  I would not be maintaining my pleasant demeanor at the office, causing more stress from the damage to my work relationships (true story, by the way).  The next day, my body shuts down on me and I am forced to stay home because I cannot function.  Thus, today's predicament.

Damn this lunacy!  I know better and need to remember better.  I need to realize that admitting that I'm noticing a flare-up is not some kind of blow to my ego.  I am doing my best and sometimes it's not enough for the fibrobeast.  I just need to let go of that and do what I know is best: rest.

I've read so many articles and blog posts about this problem.  I will think about this more and hopefully plant a seed in my brain about being more aware about the delicate balance between being a high-functioning fibromite, and the Mack truck version of me.  I'll try to come up with something that will remind me of the right thing to do at the right time.

How are you handling your Fibro flares?  Are you reading this and nodding empathetically, or have you got a method that helps prevent disaster for you?  I'd love to read your comments on this topic.

Move Around and Feel Better

I came across this article today.  It talks about what a huge difference it makes in the body to be sitting for hours on end vs. breaking up the sitting with standing and walking around every 20 minutes or so.  What I read there is right in line with what doctors everywhere have been nagging their patients to do: MOVE!

Yes, I know it hurts.  We are a sensitive bunch and we tire easily.  Believe me, I know! I also know that it's not as easy to do as it is to say, especially in the throes of a pain flare up; however, we must make a daily goal to use our muscles and circulate our blood, regardless of how good or poor our health is.  Fibro or not, movement is necessary!  I don't run any marathons and don't expect to, but I do try to make sure I do some sort of exercise each day, even if I'm hurting a lot.  (Stretching and yoga poses count!)

Below is my exercise log, if you'd like to see what I've been doing as an example.  Go ahead and flip through back to the beginning of the year and before, when I started logging my exercise.  See how far I've come.

I'm not perfect, but I do try, and it's important to try.  Keeping track keeps me motivated and helps me remember how far I've come.  (Note: On days where I ended up being too active to do exercise on purpose, I entered the exhausting activities in parentheses.)  Most days, I start with stretches my doctor gave me to do to help with hip pain/bursitis.  There are five different ones and I usually just pick one per day to quickly do before getting ready for work.  I've just recently decided to try to do two per day, if I can.  We'll see how that goes.  On work days, I also take the stairs half-way up to my floor (it's all I can do before my legs give out) in the morning and after lunch.  Every three days I try to do something more, like walking, yoga, or elliptical machine for at least 5 minutes.  As time goes by, I hope to make that minimum a little higher.  Again, baby steps...

Join the movement!  Don't shoot for the moon today, but do try to get some movement into your day and start as cautiously as you need to.

The Fragile Balance of Activity

I'm finding myself ever entangled in the grasp of life's endless supply of tasks.  Why is there so much to do?  Is there, really?  Am I creating work where I don't need to?  Perhaps I'm giving in to my overly ambitious, Type-A personality and setting my goals too high.  That could mean I'm feeling better and more like a normal (Type-A) person than a sick person.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll take that as a good thing.  Yay me!

Anyway,  I just wanted to pop in here and let you know I'm still stretching, still exercising, still eating my yummy salads, still drinking water and homemade fruit smoothies, and still doing mostly better, overall.  However, I have recently had my body remind me that I'm still a fibromite, no matter how well I've been assimilating into society.  It can be easy to forget I'm not normal while maintaining at whatever level of pain management I can achieve.  

For example, I did just an hour or so of weeding and planting in my native garden last Saturday morning.  As soon as I finished and came back inside to clean up and rest, I realized all the pains I'd been ignoring to get the work done.  As a result, my body has been holding onto a grudge against me for 4 days now, as revenge for that hour of work.  I'm only today feeling some relief in my feet and lower back, but it's still not down to my usual level yet.  My hamstrings are still very tight.  Just leaning forward makes the soreness behind my knees escalate.  But I'll be okay.  I just have to get through this and remember the lesson for next time I'm tempted to ignore my good sense and overdo.

Here's an interesting observation related to overdoing: when I push myself and do about half an hour or so of moderate activity, my body isn't just tired and achy afterwards; I get really sleepy, regardless of the time of day.  I like to take 20- or 30-minute walks around the neighborhood in nicer weather, but afterwards - boom!  I'm sleepy and dead tired.  Much of Saturday after gardening was spent recuperating on the couch, a la sick day, watching television for distraction from the pain.

I'm hoping you are finding a balance between too much and too little activity.  It's been 6 years now and I'm still trying to figure out mine.  But hey, those who continue to learn things into adulthood remain forever young, right?  Keep learning.

Please Help My Dear Friend Get Teeth

I have a friend who is very ill with several, chronic, lifelong conditions. Her name is Dee, but she goes by "Line" on Facebook. She has Fibromyalgia, Crohn's, Arthritis, and lives with pain of many kinds on a daily basis. She has had to get her colon removed since I've known her, and with the infection and problems that occurred during all that, she has really been through hell. When I am in pain of any kind, I think of her as inspiration to go on. Her family has been dealing with their own health problems as well.

On top of all of these health problems, she's losing her teeth and cannot afford to get them fixed. Her insurance plan covers very little of the huge expense of the cost to fix her mouth so she can eat solid food again.

I can personally vouch for her. She is a very kind and beautiful person, and she absolutely hates to ask for help. Nobody likes to ask, but she is always giving of whatever she can to support others emotionally and has not asked for anything until now.

This is her last chance to fix her teeth so she can at least eat and get some nutrition into her body. If you have any way to contribute, even a small amount, please know that it is for a very good cause and will be used to restore her mouth to be able to eat solid food. It's a long way to the goal, but any small bit helps.

Also, please share this link freely as you can, to help spread the word.
http://www.gofundme.com/theinvisibleamongus

Thank you!

Fibro Fog & Language Problems

I recently found this article that discusses fibro fog, specifically language problems.  I found it to be relevant because I am challenged at work by people who prefer face-to-face interactions or phone calls to my emails and texts.

Part of my job involves meaningful discussions with just about anyone else in my company.  Even if they could understand why I rely heavily on written communications, I don't think it's necessary for me to explain it to them all.  But when I hear myself talk in meetings sometimes, I have become painfully aware of how halting and imprecise I sound when I cannot find the appropriate words.  Even worse, it's distracting to me to have others tell me they cannot follow what I am saying.  Then I might lose my train of thought.
 As a compromise, when I need to discuss things with others, I find that starting to draft an email helps me figure out what I want to say, but then I make the phone call instead of emailing.  It doesn't help when unforeseen topics arise, but it's something.  Luckily I'm not easily embarrassed, so I keep pushing myself to be better despite the discomfort. It's a tough world out there sometimes, so I guess it's a good thing that I don't back down from challenges too easily.

Do you have these problems with words?  If so, what do you do to cope?

huh?

My Life at Forty

Ahh, life.  What is life?  It's consciousness, the ability to use energy and do things.  It's about choices as well as things that just kinda happen.  Some of my experiences are the results of my choices or the choices of others.  Some things also just happen.  Sometimes it's fun and happy; other times, not so much.

I turned 40 earlier this month.  I never used to care about age or understand why some people lie about their age.  "It's just a number," I would say to people.  30 was no big deal.  I felt fine with being a thirty-year-old.  It was just another birthday, though I do remember having a small party to celebrate it.  I suppose it was an excuse to to have a celebration and enjoy some pizza and cake with people.  Oh, and drinks.  Many, many drinks.  It was a good time.  I eased into adulthood, perhaps happy to leave the immature twenties behind.

In the weeks leading up to my 40th birthday, however, I kind of felt something new.  I kind of kept reflecting upon my age, my health, my death.  Will I live another 40 years?  Is this really the middle of my life?  The past forty years seem to have been short - will the next forty also feel short, or even shorter? 

I'm still not much for lying about age or denying it to myself.  I am facing these thoughts, mostly out loud to my husband, who turned 40 last year.  It's weird how I never anticipated this birthday being much more than some random milestone assigned by society.  I'm starting to get what those "Over the Hill" birthday party favors and gag gifts are about.  It's a way for everyone to acknowledge these feelings, but tempered with some humor.  I suppose celebrating birthdays with people both older and younger than yourself is really the right way to do it.  The older folks have gone through it already themselves, and survived!  That's encouraging.  The younger folks remind me of my younger days, not expecting to know what reaching older ages is like, both physically and mentally. 

Now that I've been "wearing" 40 for a few weeks, it seems to be less scary.  I still have to face the facts that I am now in a new age group.  Mammograms, colonoscopies, and bifocals are surely lining up for me in the near future.  I've had a few mammograms already - and yeah, OUCH - they are not fun.  But assuming the results keep coming back negative for any abnormalities, I'm okay with that. 

I came close to getting a colonoscopy back when my IBS was flaring up over several months, but as luck would have it, my awesome GI gave me a new medication that actually worked and we canceled the exam.  I am also aware of the process, as my husband has had several colonoscopies, due to his Crohn's disease.  It's not fun, lasts longer than a mammogram, and is pretty inconvenient, too.  Still, I can get through that.  I also have had an endoscopy done, if that counts for anything.

As for bifocals, I'm already nearsighted since high school, and usually opt for contact lenses to correct my distance vision.  Since that car accident in 2006, though, my vision has changed in several ways, and continues to change rather frequently.  I already notice my very near vision has become blurry, making reading fine print challenging.  Again, though, perhaps a prescription change is not so terrible.  I've been managing corrective lenses thus far.  I can probably handle that.  I guess.

So, these are not so scary.  Aging gracefully may still be an option for me.  Many folks make it to 80 and 90 in relatively good health.  With lifelong conditions like Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, and Asthma, I understand I have additional challenges, but I also understand that being as fit as I can be is the key to empowering me with the best health I can achieve.  I know that eating healthy and staying active goes a long way toward preserving good health, so I will strive to do those things.

Some other recent events have also caused me to reflect on my age and mortality. 

Near the end of the workday on my 40th birthday, my husband suffered a severe kidney stone attack.  The stone was 6.5mm across and was stuck very near the left kidney.  I'll spare you the details, but life was miserable for him for several weeks thanks to this surprise.  We had to cancel my birthday party, and he felt bad about that, but I wanted him to feel better and stay close to home in case of any complications.  He's passed some of it and is feeling much better now, finally.

I also recently learned that my mother-in-law had suffered a stroke.  This was not her first, but it seems more serious that the one she had before I met her.  Although she was told that one side of her body will not recover this time, I am hoping that she can beat the odds and regain some function and sensation that was lost.  Thank goodness it was not her dominant side and she can still do some things.  I'm also glad that she can talk and remember us all. 

As we approach the year 2013, I have listed a few new resolutions (which I never used to do until 2012) that take into consideration my age, my health, my family, and my wants and needs.  I wish to be more responsible with my own health, as an investment of my old age as well as to help relieve others of the need to worry about me.  This includes considering making decisions and arrangements for what will happen to my remains when I die.  I feel it's the responsible thing to do. 

When life manages to give me warnings, I strive to make the most of it, whether it's through me or others, and learn something from it.  I won't live my life sheltered, but I will not live recklessly if I can help it.

Take care and do pay attention to your own body and look for the warning signs that could help keep you healthy and young at heart.  I hope the next year brings you closer to your personal goals and opens your eyes to wonderful opportunities! 

That Last Straw

Have you ever just had a terrible day when one thing after the next just went wrong?  Maybe it was more than a day.  I've been dealing with some bad news and stressful things happening and they culminated into a moment that, unfortunately, resulted in a mini nervous breakdown, because of that last straw that broke Benia's back. 

Singly, my stressful things weren't that unbearable.  They're no fun, but I can handle them alone.  It's when they all decide to happen together and overlap into an overwhelming mess of crap that I have trouble. 

For example, work-related stress over deadlines, earnings, etc. are also typical of most employed people.  My surprisingly high blood pressure is one more diagnosis for me to deal with.  Major household appliances expiring and requiring immediate action for replacement happen.  Then a loved one's health problems creeping in with a flare-up of unknown severity.  My car's check engine light decided to get in on the action.  Then a health insurance change with serious financial implications was suddenly forced upon us with little time to plan and research.  My asthma was feeling the stress and making sure I noticed it, no matter how much I fought it. 

Then I got a phone message from my parents - people who love me and miss me but have no idea how much strength I muster on any given day, just to get by and pretend I'm normal.  There is also a language barrier, as they are immigrants and I am American-born.  Our conversations are limited to what we can successfully express in the others' comfortable language.  I called back and just mention my having a bad day and before I know it, I'm getting lectured on how I can't possibly have anything to stress over because I have no kids.  THAT was the last straw. 

I could not handle one more thing and yet there it was.  I broke.  It was extremely unfortunate that I broke down while on that call, because without being able to explain that life just took a shit on me recently, I ended up not making any sense at all and ended up seeming secretive.  Who wants to list all their problems to people who immediately judge and compare them to their own standards?  I am not secretive or dishonest.  I just did not have a good way to convey my bad day and explain my emotional fragility.

THEN, THAT phone call added yet another unnecessary straw to my load.  Since then, I've been accused of keeping secrets and lying to cover up some problem that would be catastrophic.  My own parents had two days to speculate the very worst since my breakdown.  Today they made an excuse to come see me so they could find out more.  UGH, I did this so wrong!  They came and we talked.  Their accusations were not helping me.  I did my best to explain that I just had a bad string of luck but that I'm okay.  Nobody is getting a divorce or fighting or dying or whatever other awful things they imagined.  I also told them that I know that they are trying to help and that I appreciate it, but I just cannot take it right now.  They mean well, but the advice I get from them is just SO unhelpful!  If they only realized how much they are just making things worse with their loving help.  Knowing that they cannot understand and that they meant well is all that kept me from losing my mind all over again. 

I need a break, I tried to explain.  I think they got it, but they are far too generous with their advice about every last thing they think I need help with.  They cannot help me.  They make assumptions that I cannot seem to debunk for them.  There are details about my life that I am unwilling to have to share just to get them to stop helping.  Eat this.  Take that supplement.  It works for them.  OMG, just stop.  Thank you, Mom and Dad, seriously, for caring, but I just don't need this advice.

This is how I'm doing.  I will have better days, but not for a while, I think. :P

Blood Pressure - Still High Despite Getting off Savella

As you may or may not recall, the earlier part of my year has been tarnished with an unnecessary spike in blood pressure that could have been prevented by my former Fibromyalgia doctor.  Here's the post describing the worst of it.  Once I realized the cause of the blood pressure spike - two medications that should not have been taken together - I promptly got off both drugs, expecting my blood pressure to return to normal soonafter.

Unfortunately, months after getting off the drugs, my blood pressure still remains elevated, as I discovered during a check-up yesterday morning.  All my life, my blood pressure levels have been normal until January and February of 2012.  Now it seems something from that episode was changed in my body that cannot so easily be reversed.  After all, I've made several additional changes in my life to be healthier, starting in March or so when I adopted the habit of eating a healthy Whole Foods salad on workdays, and continuing through June when I started attending weekly yoga classes.  This blood pressure thing makes no sense to me. 

The doctor I saw yesterday was my gynecologist, and when she saw the elevated blood pressure reading taken by the nurse, she measured it herself, and got a slightly higher reading than the first one.  She wanted to make sure, so she also measured it again at the end of my exam.  I was calm and relaxed and she witnessed it.  The third reading was the highest, just as when I went to my primary doctor for the blood pressure spike earlier this year.  I hypothesized that taking blood pressure seems to raise it, but nobody confirmed that for me.  My final reading yesterday was something like 146/97, I believe.  She decided she ordered me to stop taking my current birth control pills (Seasonique/Amethia) immediately, since they contain estrogen, and apparently estrogen can contribute to high blood pressure.  This is news to me.  I was also somewhat surprised at the order, since I'd been taking these pills for many, many years now, when my blood pressure was fine.  Perhaps there's a cumulative effect or something else I'm not understanding. 

At any rate, she switched me to a progesterone-only pill while I mull over all of my options and my needs.  What I liked about my previous pills was the ability to minimize periods and their awful symptoms (for me), and being able to predict and schedule around periods.  With the progesterone-only pills (Micronor/Jovilette), I'm back to having less predictable periods and more of them.  I'm also considering Mirena, which my doctor suggested.  There are still some unknowns about whether it's the right choice for me, but I'm still researching that. 

Hopefully, getting off the estrogen will reduce my blood pressure.  I strive to be healthier, but seeing my blood pressure remain elevated through these healthier habit months is a bit frustrating.  I will read up on all the factors that can contribute to high blood pressure and see if I can change any other things for the better.  I do know there is a hereditary component, and my parents deal with hypertension. Plus I'll be 40 years old in a couple months, and age is also a factor.  This old body's not getting any younger, but I only get the one, so I'll do my best to take good care of it.

Success! ...and Stress

To follow up on my last post, I have been pretty good about not "cracking" my right wrist for the past month.  I caught myself on a few occasions, but I think the month has mostly allowed me to break the habit. I still need to pay attention to maintain and not slip back into old habits because it seems to have made a difference in the lightning nerve pains I'd been having in my right forearm.  I cannot recall having any episodes in my right forearm during the past month.

This little experiment is by no means conclusive with regard to a cause and effect.  I realize one month is not a large enough sample time to conclude the not cracking (much) prevents nerve pain, since the episodes can be very infrequent for any number of reasons.  However, it's enough incentive for me to keep trying to not crack and keep watching for other correlations.  Besides, who wouldn't prefer to having some sort of control over these wacky symptoms to just taking whatever luck provides?

That said, I know that my neck, back, shoulders, ankles, and knees all still crack, even if I try not to.  I'll still be as good as I can be about avoiding it if I can.  (Sometimes it hurts if I don't crack my back or neck.)

In other news, my work life has become unbelievably stressful in the past month.  I know it's serious because I'm having asthma attacks at work in addition to all the unpleasantness.  I'm on the brink of breaking down mentally from the pressures put upon me.  I almost had a nervous breakdown during my lunchtime yoga session today!  I would have thought yoga would help, but failing at all the demanding poses just added to my frustrations.  I kept it together by realizing I couldn't easily justify a breakdown to my classmates.  "It's just yoga!" I imagined they'd say.  And they're right.  Yoga, of all things, should not contribute to my stress, and it most certainly should not be allowed to be the straw that broke Benia's back!  After pondering the ridiculousness of it all, I managed to get through it and deal.  I knew I'd be better as soon as I'd gotten through it all and feel the accomplishment.  I did notice a lot of muscle tension and cramping today, though.  Probably due to the work stresses.

I know it's not right to let it affect me like this, but somehow I've gotten myself stuck in a terrible situation where I'm juggling several high-priority projects all at once and the rest of my team is doing the same.  Personally, I think my boss has lost his marbles about what is physically possible, but how does one go about addressing this with the person who controls one's income and other important things?  On paper, yeah - you go to your stressful person and say, hey, please lay off on the stressful stuff please.  In reality, there's a lot of apprehension about doing that, worry about doing it wrong, worry about consequences that affect not only myself but others.  Ugh...  I will have better days.  I just have to believe in that.

I'm doing what I can with what I've got for now.  Hopefully I'll live to post another day...

Fibro is Real

This is a good article for people who have been accused of, or have accused others of, being a hypochondriac when it comes to the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.  Those of us who suffer learn first-hand that the physical symptoms that affect us are ask too real. We have read the research to support it, and do our best to live with these symptoms. We definitely do not need the additional burden of ignorant accusations.
Is Fibromyalgia All in My Head?

The Mack Truck is Back

So I had two good weeks without many symptoms, feeling good and in control of things with diet and exercise happening and everything.  Then Monday, something started up and I'm flaring up for some reason.  Was I too greedy with doing things while feeling good that I triggered a flare by being too active and not resting?

Last night I was awake all night.  Not so much as a nap came over me - all flippin' night.  I tried relaxing in bed with ear plugs, without ear plugs, tried lying on my back, my sides, tried thinking of pleasant things.  Nothing.  Hours and hours of stressful thoughts about various things going on at work that have been bothering me lately kept creeping back into my mind and and I could not fall asleep.  The stress broke me.  I don't know what it is about the middle of the night, but I felt so hopeless and frustrated.  I moved to the couch and read blog posts in my Google Reader on my phone to try to take my mind off things, since I'd given up on sleep.  Forget work today.  There's just no way.  I am a wreck.  I took a much-needed sick day.

It seems my abdominal area is tender and painful lately, mostly near the left side.  Air bubbles or ulcers  - I don't know any more.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, unless the tiny bits of apple I found in yesterday's fruit started something, but I picked them out.  (I'm allergic to raw apple skins.)    I just feel crappy.  Then there's the back spasm in my right side that came back to life.   Even the hydrocodone I took at bed time wasn't helping that.  I wonder if the medication kept me up instead of making me drowsy.  Side effects don't always make sense in my body. 

I've been trying to stay on this side of the sane/crazy borderline, but last night I think I wandered over the line a bit.  My mental state seems back in good enough order, but my body is stuck in physical disarray at the moment, and notice that it affects my thinking a bit.

As always, when I stay home due to illness, I can't help but feel the invisible pressure of all those chores and tasks I have to do.  There is some compromise where I go and do a couple of easy things, but I have a hard time just resting, which is what I need to be doing.  For instance, I have been meaning to update my WRAP and wish I would do that, but I know I should not be at the computer too long with this spasm screaming at me.  I washed up our farm veggies (we have them delivered weekly from a local CSA, Wellhausen Farms) and made a healthy salad for lunch, but it took a very long time, and I was tempted to just grab something like cereal and leave it all undone.  Despite all the healthy ingredients in my salad today, my belly is also complaining again and uncomfortable.  I folded some laundry, too, because I knew it would nag at me if I didn't.  Despite my fatigue, I cannot rest easily at all.  This is one of the common frustrating symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

I hate that I can feel so great, then shitty, so quickly.  It makes me feel bipolar in some ways.  I was hoping I could coast through the summer feeling almost like a normal.  I guess I had forgotten my limitations again and overdone it with activities.  I will learn from this flare, just like with every flare, but I'm not enjoying this lesson.  Ugh.  Time for me to lie down.  I hope my next post is more fun than this one.

Doctors Make Hall of Shame List

Wow, I just read this article, featuring a hall of shame for a bunch of fibromyalgia doctors with a definite conflict of interest between taking care of their patients and helping pharmaceutical companies make more money.  Not too surprisingly, one of my former doctors made the list.  (I am in Illinois, so I'll let you guess who it is.)

Although, to be fair, despite my husband referring to him as a quack, I must say that the drug he put me on was not one of the big three - he was the one who put me on Pristiq.  This was several years ago, before his suburban Chicago office that I was visiting was suddenly shut down.  At the time Savella wasn't even approved yet.

Also, his big thing at the time was the theory that FMS was really just a yeast overgrowth condition gone systemic.  He convinced me to go yeast-free for 3 months.  He actually prescribes this avoidance diet for 6 months, but we had to stop at 3 because I'd lost so much weight on it.  However, I felt worse on it and we concluded that it was not my problem.  He claimed I was the first patient who didn't improve on this diet.  Sorry.  Really, I did my best to make sure I didn't cheat so I would know if I had any control over my symptoms.

I also didn't like how how simplified FMS to just two basic symptoms: pain and fatigue.  I got a hold of a video of his about the whole yeast overgrowth theory for Fibromyalgia patients and kept repeating that "pain and fatigue is Fibromyalgia."  As a patient, it got irritating pretty quickly.  What an oversimplification!

As the article mentions, some of these doctors used to be about the patients, but since then have gotten mixed up with suspiciously pro-drug company studies and such.  Even my last doctor seemed okay until he pushed me to switch from Pristiq to Savella.  Ever since then, I felt I was on my own.  He didn't call me back while having horrendous withdrawals during the initial switch, and he didn't call back when Savella was causing my blood pressure to skyrocket and my head to ache all the time.  They must have gotten to him, too.  I left him after weaning off Savella by myself.  BY MYSELF!  I had a doctor who had nothing to do with me while I was in crisis.  No thanks and good-bye.

My current doctor is very nice and she reduced my prescriptions by substituting two kinds for one, old one, which is available in generic form, which translates to cheaper for me.  She listens to me and my needs.  She respects my desire to be on fewer meds, due to side effects causing more problems than my Fibro, it seems.  She's good.  I worry though.  Does everyone have a price?  Am I going to go in there one day and see a different side of her?  I sure hope not, but I'm on the lookout for those subtle cues.

At any rate, since then, I've learned lots from Fibromyalgia Network, including the fact that all their funding comes from membership fees - none is from any advertisers.  They publish lots of interesting articles and study findings in their quarterly journals and, although some of them credit doctors from this unfortunate list, most of them seem to make good sense.  There is lots of advice about how to cope and do stretches and exercises that are beneficial for us.  A lot of the scientific stuff is broken down with graphics that help us understand how chemicals can get out of balance or how drugs affect our bodies.

Be your own advocate, fellow fibromites.  Look out for those who seem to be helpful, then push products on you.  There's no shortage of sleazebags out there willing to prey on desperate people in pain.  If someone is selling you something, be skeptical.  Do your homework and learn as much as you can from many, objective sources.

Yogurt for Breakfast, Yoga for Lunch

Despite my continuing, daily IBS moments, I had a great time visiting the French Quarter of New Orleans last week!  This was my third trip to the Quarter, my last one in May of 2005, before Hurricane Katrina hit.  Luckily, things are pretty much the same again, though we noticed some of the smaller one-off businesses were replaced by those owned by one or more other businesses.  Anyway, the food was delicious and there was plenty to drink as well.  We are older now, so we had to cut back to just two meals per day.  (I don't know how we used to do it eating all day long!)  There was a lot of walking to do as well, and though Don worried I wouldn't be up to it, I made an extra effort to prove him wrong.  I needed breaks, of course, but I still had a fun time!  We took the train this time, too - a new experience for both of us.  It was more fun than driving and less annoying than going through security at the airport.  (We're boycotting the airlines until they stop being ridiculous to the passengers about all this TSA bullshit.)  It was a long ride and both ways we traveled through the night.  Sleeping on a train - let me rephrase that - TRYING to sleep on a train is not as much fun, but we survived and enjoyed the new experience. 

Now the party's over and it's back to work and back on track with the healthy diet.  I feel fatter then when I left, but hey, I was on vacation.  Lack of stress is worth a weight-loss setback in my book.

I'm back in Calorie Count's Calorie Camp and logging my foods and studying my nutritional intake.  Today, I started my day with a fun yogurt mix.  At my house, we like to minimize waste and buy the large yogurt containers and get either plain or vanilla flavor.  When it comes time to have some, we dress up dinners with plain wherever sour cream might be called for, or mix in some fruit or preserves for a sweet snack.  I cut up a peach into a bowl, added some French Vanilla Stonyfield Farm yogurt, and sprinkled in some generic Grape Nuts for a fun breakfast.  I'm still dealing with this darn IBS flare-up (no break during vacation either, unfortunately) so I'm hoping the probiotics and occasional yogurt will help calm things down eventually.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what causes my symptoms to flare-up or calm down.  I'm speculating something slower or cumulative, multiple triggers are doing something, but it's so hard to pin it all down.

In addition to healthy diet efforts, I started my very first yoga session today, at lunchtime.  (Note: my fibromyalgia doctor has recommended that I try some yoga and start slowly.)  My employer has coordinated with a yoga instructor to come visit our building every Wednesday (starting last week, so I missed that first session) and welcome us to an hour-long session during our lunch hour.  I had done yoga at home years before I developed Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, or IBS, or any of my other current health issues, but this was my first yoga class.  It was good.  I felt the work in muscles that aren't used to doing that much work.  I shook and did some sweating.  (Unfortunately, there are no shower facilities so I did my best with a change of clothes, a wet wipee "wash" and some deodorant.)  I kept up with most of the poses and even opted for some of the extra challenge poses, but I did have to fall back on others here and there.  I had the most trouble with my wrists after all the push-ups and hand support, but hopefully, I'll build up some strength over time.  Overall, I'm happy with the convenience of the class and being able to enjoy it with my coworkers as well.  The cost is $10 per session, which seems reasonable to me for the convenient scheduling.  Our instructor was also nice and helpful in correcting posture when necessary.  I'm looking forward to the next one.

I didn't have my traditional Whole Foods buffet salad today because of yoga today, but I planned ahead yesterday while there, and bought some self-mixed trail mix and a few nut/fruit bars I'd been meaning to try.  I also brought a banana to work today.  They all helped to keep me full and give me good nutrition with some fun flavors, while allowing me to graze while working. 

I did, however, make the mistake of eating before the yoga session, though, which I did because I was hungry and wasn't thinking, but... NOTE TO SELF: when you have IBS that seems to act up whenever eating anything, be mindful of the timing of any activities that may keep you from a toilet.  I managed to finish things up in time, but it was kind of close, and I felt a little off on the way to class.  Next time I'll work out hungry and eat later.  See?  Learning.  It's all good.  I like progress, even slow progress.  Anything's better than that downward spiral that can suck you down.  I'm working hard to avoid that.