Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
As you know, with cold and flu season upon us, people are generally germaphobic (with good reason). I've been asked to respectfully ask you to not warm up your neck warmer in the microwave anymore.
My apologies for the inconvenience."
"Please let me know ASAP on what conclusion you reach on this. I'm always in pain and not having my warmed rice-sock available to me is not helping. :(
Thanks for your help. Let me know if you need anything else from me, or want to discuss this further."
"Lets do this...first of all, you still have access to the 4th floor, so go ahead and use the microwave down there - chance of being seen is far less. Secondly, just for perception sake, could you put it/wrap it in something (like a plastic bag or other) when microwaving it?
This is all for the sake of appeasing some anonymous coworker who apparently does not understand the germ-killing powers of the microwave oven. This also puts me in the awkward position of having to kind of sneak the whole heating thing from someone who has not been identified to me, even though that person will very likely still see me using Bunny around the office, especially if it is a coworker who works near me or on the way to the kitchen and washroom.
- health insurance benefits (very important),
- self-esteem and feelings of self-worth,
- distraction from my symptoms,
- keeping me in driving practice, and
- keeping my brain as fit as possible.
Friday, December 4, 2009
There are also drugs that can be used to control arrhythmia, but they have side effects and all that jazz. I'm not really in the market for adding more drugs and side effects to my repertoire.
If you're interested in learning more about these heart rhythm problems, here is a great page with animations that can help.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I did my usual stretches, then hopped onto my elliptical machine and did 10 (slow) minutes. Then I stretched a bit more. Then, since my knees have been bothering me so much lately, I thought I would do some strengthening around the knees. I put 10 pounds of weight onto the knee lift thingy on Don's weight bench and did 10 lifts. Then I stretched a little more. I'm so proud of my piddly exercise today.
Then I weighed myself and although I'm not too surprised, I'm disappointed. I've been crazy with the food lately, especially sweets and treats, and it shows. My fat pants are not so loose anymore and my skinny pants are just lonely. I don't know if the Doxepin is behind this, or if I'm just having some sort of eating disorder or something, but this is getting ridiculous! As I type this, I'm tempted by cookies. Why?!!? I dunno. They are just beckoning to me to enjoy their deliciousness. Maybe I can at least hold off until after lunch.
I'm getting a little frustrated with this yo-yoing up and down weight with me. I was about 122 lbs. this time last year. Today, I'm 140 lbs. Of course, last year's dramatic weight loss was due to the yeast-free diet my fibro doctor had me on. (It actually made me feel worse so he insisted that I stop it.) I'm hoping that hating my weight will help motivate me to get back to eating better and doing more regular exercises. Even if I only do piddly routines, if I do them daily, I'll be ecstatic. I am focusing most on stretching and re-building muscle, since those are most important for us fibromites.
Ugh, those cookies!! No, I mustn't!This is definitely a challenge. I hope that confessing this all to the public will help me stay true to my goals.
Monday, November 23, 2009
As a result, I feel discombobulated as I keep having to transition from one method to another. Is the computer calendar and task list the best? Or is jotting down a note wherever and whenever it comes to mind a good idea? Should I try to maintain the calendar with updates from those notes? Do the notes go in my pocket, or my purse, or do I send myself an e-mail or a phone reminder? Am I journaling my symptoms or posting them in my blog? I also have a dedicated notebook for my doctor-related notes and questions, so I can take it with me during appointments.
Sometimes I feel calm, cool, and collected about juggling all my responsibilities. Other times, like today, I feel frustrated at my lack of organization of my organization methods.
Got any tips on the best way to keep all the organization methods from overwhelming your senses?
Friday, November 20, 2009
I've been noticing some icky trends in myself lately. I've been picking at my fingers like mad, lately. I am trying to quit, but I'm worse than ever these days! I am hoping that announcing this the public will help me to quit this terrible habit. I also just found a website that addresses this problem.
I've also been having cravings and overeating, or at least I think I am - so then I try to balance things out by skipping meals if I can stand it (not very often). I've got this insane addiction to natural peanut butter that has had me reaching for the jar every morning after breakfast. (Luckily, we ran out!) A few days ago, I grabbed a bag of chips and really had at it. I was not hungry, but I craved the salt and was unstoppable!
My fibrofog has been worse than usual this week. I noticed more than a few times when I had to eat crow for bonehead oversights at work and have had a particularly difficult time staying focused on the more involved discussions. Working in IT, there are plenty of abstract ideas that require careful following along in order to be of any use to the project. Too often I have found myself just "la la la"-ing through the hard parts, only to have to ask for concepts to be reviewed. I don't feel too badly, though, because my asking for "a clean run-through" of a concept helps the other participants to understand the plan and their roles. I just wish I didn't HAVE to ask because I missed something important.
As you may have guessed by now, I've also been yearning for some down time. I have been stressed at work and wish I had more sick/vacation time (I'm all out for the year). I feel like a day at home, alone, being quiet and still, would be helpful in recalibrating my system. I already have plans for tomorrow, but I am hoping maybe this Sunday I can finally relax at home a bit and find a couple more spoons.
I don't like the feeling of not being in control of what I'm doing. I think general stress is pulling me in too many directions at once. Does this happen to you, fellow fibromites? Can I blame Fibromyalgia or my drugs, or is this just some ugly side of myself that I have to admit to? How do you get through these episodes?
I will not give up fighting these unhealthy habits, but I do seem to be weak lately.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
- The Tin Man - because, although I do have a heart, I am so stiff that I feel like I need oil to move
- The Scarecrow - because my fibrofog leaves me wishing for a brain (I could hardly remember this character's name to explain)
- The Lion - because, although I put on a brave face, I am scared
- Dorothy - because, I was still in bed and could not bear to leave to get up and get ready for work in my condition. "There's no place like home!"
- All of the above, again - because I want to go see the Wizard, who will cure me of all my "ow!"s
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
- a laugh
- a hug
- a few minutes of kind understanding
- a massage
- an inexpensive but useful and appreciated physical item (like a journal)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Anyway, we got into this heated debate and I realized how shitty it is to be the one with mental faculties compromised. Such a disadvantage can cost an enthusiastic debater, not only the argument, but some pride and self-esteem, as well. I can usually hold my own, but last night I observed my cognitive shortcomings getting in the way of my communicating my oh-so-relevant points. It was basically like this:
Anyway, you get the picture. The way Fibromyalgia affects my cognitive abilities, especially my ability to find the precise language I need, and the time it takes me to find those words, really....um... frustrating.... GRRR! Ya know?Don: "You said that the only reason..."
Benia: "No, That's not what I said! I never said 'the only', I--"
Don: point #1, POINT #2...
Benia: "WAIT! Let me FINISH!!"
Don: "Okay, what? Say what you gotta say."
Don: POINT #3--
Benia: "No WAIT! I'm NOT DONE!! That's NOT what I SAID!! LEMME FINISH!!!"
Don: (waiting patiently, with an impatient sigh and some not-so-subtle eye-rolling)
Benia: "Um.. so..." (choppily bodged together sentences of barely acceptable English, forming some semblance of what I really wanted to say, with pauses unintentionally interspersed)...
The fact that I have the ability to take my time and ponder what I want to express using written words is my saving grace. If I didn't impress myself with they way I communicate in writing, I'd be convinced that I'm stupid and give up on a lot of things. Thank goodness I can take as long as I want (within reason) to find a word or phrase in e-mails and blog posts. I'm practically a friggin' genius on paper. But when I open my mouth to speak, and discuss things on the fly - oh who knows what I'll come up with?
Most times, when live discussion is pressuring me to keep talking, I find myself torn between two words or phrases (sometimes they are both acceptable, but sometimes they are not) and they end up coming out morphed into some nonsensical hybrid, then I quickly correct myself by choosing one or saying both correctly, to scoop back up some of my dignity in front of the other person or people.
Other times I just wait and wait for that word or phrase that I KNOW is hiding in that dusty brain of mine, but it doesn't come until the conversation moves on to a different topic, has completely ended, or sometimes not until days afterward. Yes, sometimes, days after conversations I've had, I still struggle to find the right word or phrase, or the name of someone or something. It's like unfinished business and it nags at me and distracts me from the task at hand. I usually give up if I can't figure it out in a few days. I figure it will come to me when it's ready - so why bother worrying over it? I'll be driving to work one day and suddenly exclaim in victory "bergamot!" (and smile the rest of the ride).
I'm glad I got this off my chest. I know some of you will be able to relate. If you have anything you'd like to share about it, I would welcome your version of this fibrofog. (Hint: Click "Comments" below and tell me I'm not alone on this!)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I told him about my screaming left that comes on sometimes, especially in the evenings, while I'm just sitting on the couch. He named it Patella C-something (I couldn't spell it - maybe this is it?) and said to avoid sitting on my leg or legs and to also avoid crossing my legs while I sit. These are very hard on the knees, he says. He also said skipping steps while going up stairs is really bad for that, too. I definitely don't skip steps, but I noticed this week that I do try to cross my legs a lot while at work. I've been stopping myself, now that I know it's bad for my knee.
I told him about my frequent presyncope (feeling faint) and how it happens when I change directions or speeds. He was initially concerned about POTS, but he tested my resting blood pressure (which was normal - not low) and pulse before and after some mild exercises. My was somewhat high at 92, but the increase after activity seems normal. I can't remember exactly, but I think he attributed the high resting rate (and my sweating) to the Pristiq, and the Doxepin may have something to do with the dizziness and lightheadedness. At any rate, he did not seem too worried about it after conducting the little test. I guess I still don't know exactly what's going on with this.
Doxepin is the stuff I decreased from 2 capsules nightly to 1 capsule nightly, because I was getting a crazy sweet tooth and getting fat. However, it should help me with pain, so he suggested I add increasing back to 2 for 5-7 days to my action items in my WRAP, especially if I notice I'm not getting sleep. He also said I could increase it for worsening of pain, especially in the wintertime, when fibro tends to get worse. I just need to be aware of the side effects and keep them in check. I am currently making an effort to eat healthy foods and cut down on indulgent sweets. I actually lost a couple pounds counting calories, last time I checked.
He wasn't too worried about my using Tramadol for pain about once daily. I have been taking it most days in the mornings, when I feel worst. He says that's not a big deal.
I didn't realize it until it was too late, but I completely forgot to mention the crazy tinnitus going on in my left ear all the time. Oh well, I'll jot it down for the next time.
I guess that's it for now. I just wanted to write something down to help digest it all, and share it with you at the same time. :)
My next appt. is .
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
"Yay, I'm vacuuming!"
Vacuuming is a task that I avoid most days, because it is so taxing on my entire body. Fibromyalgia leaves me weak, fatigued, and in pain all the time.
I expect a bit of a flare up after today's exertions, but I'm very, very pleased to be in a cleaner living space. This is one of those things that I deem to be worth a flare. It makes me feel a little better to know that I was able to perform this task - to overcome this challenge - and enjoy the results.
With my husband and I both dealing with chronic conditions (he has Crohn's Disease), we have been reduced to living in what we call "squalette" (not quite squalor, but reminiscent of it) for many months. In fact, the vacuum cleaner has been upstairs and waiting for use for several weeks now. It's been a nagging reminder of a chore that must eventually get done. I'd resolved to be the one to do the vacuuming this time.
Finally, today, I had my chance at noon. I'd just gotten past my morning stiffness and pains, so I took action (before I'd change my mind). Now I'm enjoying the cleanliness (while it lasts) and the calm before the storm (flare).
Do you have a little victory you'd like to share?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
For instance, when I get up from my work desk to go to the restroom or to the kitchen for a drink, and by the time I get to the first corner, I feel a moment like I might faint, but I don't. I've never fainted (that I can recall), so I'm not sure if this is the best description, but I feel like I might lose consciousness - just for a brief moment - many, many times a day lately. This has been going on for maybe 2 or 3 weeks now, or maybe longer.
SPEAK UP, FOLKS! I'm not kidding; I seriously have trouble hearing you!! I'm forever turning up the volume on the TV while my husband and I watch together. This, of course, confuses the hell out of him, because I am also forever turning down the volume on the stereo in the car.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
"It amazes me how people like us with chronic health conditions have an "acting" mode. Where we can just snap into this other person outside the home and inside our homes we crash."It's so true. In fact, I'm due at a party in a couple of hours and really don't feel like going because I am not up to being "on" and behaving "normal" for other people's sake. I have been in pain for several days and haven't had time to really crash yet. But I hate to cancel at the last minute - I just don't want to be one of those people who lets others down (typical fibro personality).
So now I'm faced with this choice: do something to please others, or do something that helps me. I hate this choice. I suppose I can push off the crashing for one more day.
I'm going to have to put on the Happy face now...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The left side of my very low back and hip, down to the back of my left thigh, have been bothering me a lot lately. My last flare, which lasted about two weeks, centered predominantly on pain stemming from, and probably referring from, the top of my left hip bone. I remembered my doctor telling me that my sacroiliac is probably to blame for what had been diagnosed as sciatica, but that pain is sudden, lightning-like, and remarkably intense (enough to startle me visibly). I usually get what I understand to be sciatic pain in the back of my right thigh, but similar lightning-like pains have jolted me under my right forearm and wrist, and also the right side of my neck.
Getting back to the left side, I went on a research hunt for information regarding the sacroiliac. The following link has a great description of sacroiliitis (inflammation of the sacroiliac) and its symptoms. There is also a nice graphic showing the sacroiliac joints. Basically, they look like two fractures in top area of the hip bones, connecting the sacrum (tailbone) and each ilium (hip bones).
Except for the eye problems (though I have had some minor problems within the last few months, if I remember correctly), the short list of symptoms for sacroiliitis seems to fit. I have been "hot and cold at the same time" as I like to describe it, for pretty much most of every single day for months now. I shiver at the slightest breeze, even, and especially, if I'd just been sweating from feeling too hot. At night, I pile on three layers of sheet, blanket, and comforter to warm up, then wake up in a pool of sweat. I simply cannot sleep if I shiver. Could this be the "fever that appears quickly"? I can only speculate.
The rest of the symptoms listed surround pain. Of course, pain and weird symptoms are already part of the Fibromyalgia, so it's hard to say with any certainty that another condition like this could be overlapping with if the symptoms include pain.
Ah, such is the life of a fibromite: always wondering and trying to hunt down answers.
The Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) research actually collided with my Sacroiliitus research. I remember seeing "Ankylosing...(something)" in Fibromyalgia support groups and other forums online. I had no idea what it was and could hardly remember the name, but, skilled little researcher that I am, I found it and learned all about it.
Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) Info
"Ankylosing spondylitis is a chronic inflammatory disease that primarily causes pain and inflammation of the joints between the vertebrae of your spine and the joints between your spine and pelvis (sacroiliac joints). However, ankylosing spondylitis may also cause inflammation and pain in other parts of your body as well."
It seems to me that sacroiliitis could be considered an earlier stage of AS, if it were to progress. AS can result in bony growth at the vertebrae, causing fusion of the bones. In turn, this means the poor AS patient has reduced mobility and a higher chance of fracture. I've seen some very drastic photos of people with very advanced AS (AKA "Bamboo Spine" - yikes!), and they are very hunched over. VERY. (Don't look unless you can handle it.)
It's a scary prospect to think about that I may have or be on my way to having either of these conditions, but I've always been ready to face my fears in favor of responsible action. I can handle the diagnosis; I just want to do what I should to keep things from getting worse and (dare to dream) possibly heal or reverse whatever is wrong.
Well, the good news is, my untrained eyes do not notice any obvious bony growths or inflammation. Then again, I didn't have the appropriate tests, targeting the specific areas. The picture on the left is an x-ray taken during a CT scan on 3/8/08. The picture on the right is an x-ray taken during another CT scan on 6/5/09. You can clearly see the sacroiliiac joints in the first picture, but it's a bit harder to see in the second one. Both times I had to drink that nasty gastric dye which makes my colon look nice and bright, but blocks the bones a bit in the later x-ray.
Anyway, I will have to mention my hip pains to my doctor the next time I see him, in case he can find any reason to worry about either of these conditions (or anything else). If you have had either of these conditions or want to add any comments about any of this, please feel free. I love the feedback and would like to know more about the prevalence of these conditions among Fibromyalgia patients.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Days like this make me wonder how I can go on. I can't possibly do a good job at work when I have such health problems, can I? I guess I need to take my own advice and do "just one thing" by getting through this day and not worrying about the rest of my life all at once.
I've taken a Tramadol and I've got "Bunny" warming my back up. I also have a massage scheduled for this evening, so I can also look forward to that. I know I'll feel a little bit better, at least for an hour.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The idea of the WRAP is from chapter 16 of the book: Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain: A Survival Manual (2nd Edition) by Devin Starlanyl & Mary Ellen Copeland
The WRAP is a customized group of lists for us fibromites. Since we frequently get fibrofogged and have a lot of various symptoms and treatments to keep track of, It helps to write things down. Having all of this information organized into useful groupings and keeping them together in a single document is also helpful for our caretakers, should they ever need to consult this kind of personalized fibromyalgia manual.
I made some changes from the book's instructions to the section names, because I wanted their relationships to each other to be more obvious and congruent. I also added some graphics to make it snazzier. However, I started this project by scribbling down thoughts in each category on blank paper in a big binder, then kept consulting and tweaking it as I thought of more. That's also why I added in a last updated date for myself. I anticipate that I will think of and add things to the document at a later date. Every time I print it, I'll have the "last updated" date tell me when I did.
You'll also notice that I don't have anything under the "Crisis" section yet. I am not sure what I might be like in an absolute fibro-crisis, or what plan of action I should take, as I have not yet had what I believe would be considered a crisis. However, as time goes on, I might be able to notice certain behaviors or needs when I really feel super-shitty. For now, I'm just happy that I didn't have any experience with that section just yet.
Special thanks go to Glenda Bibbero of WeAreFibro.org for reminding me about this chapter in the above-mentioned book, which I glossed over the first time I read through the book, early in my new life with Fibromyalgia. She asked me about it and wrote one up herself, publishing it in her profile journal for other members to see. She inspired me to write up my own WRAP for myself and share it with my readers, too. I also mentioned the WRAP to My doctor, who encouraged me to share it with you all here, in my blog.
Fibrofriends, I found this exercise to be very valuable to me, both during and after composing all the sections. I suggest you jot down the headings and keep your notes handy wherever you can sit and write for a few minutes. In time, you'll have your own WRAP all wrapped up and ready for your next fibrofog moment.
To read my WRAP, click:
Zouras - WRAP
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I have been bad about keeping up with my blogging and journaling and overall fibro stuff lately. I was so gung-ho when I started all these projects and did fine during my time off work, but now that I'm working, I feel like there's no time left!
I went to see my fibro doctor a couple days ago. He made some changes to my dosage and added a new supplement to my regimen: magnesium w/ malic acid. I just ordered some from drugstore.com and will be taking it twice a day for pain. I hope it helps.
My sleep has been kind crappy lately. I've been waking up a lot, but not for hours (thank goodness) - just seconds. My dreams are stressful and painful, too. The other night, I dreamt I was grazed by several bullets and my wounds were becoming severely infected. I remember feeling intense pains in my face, hand, and other areas. I don't remember getting shot at or who or why it was done, just that I was hurting and needed medical attention or something! The damned dream went on an on, as usual, and there were many chapters and scenes. Why is my brain so busy at night?
Last night I woke up a few times with a terrible migraine. When it was time to wake up for work, I still had it, but it wasn't as awful as earlier (thank goodness). It's a sign that I'm flaring. Yesterday I felt hot and cold at the same time, and I had more pains everywhere. Today I have back pain, head pain, neck pain, limb pain and I really, really did not feel like going to work today. I set my alarm for another hour and tried to give it a good nap to see if it would help. It's better than nothing, but it wasn't much.
Anyway, I told my doctor about the WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plan - from Ch. 16 of the FMS/CMP Survival Manual book. He encouraged me to put it online for others to see. Right now I have it scribbled down on paper for myself. I consulted it today after recognizing signs of a flare that I need to address. It's helpful. I will type it up on my blog soon and share it with the world.
I'm also 20 pounds heavier now than earlier this year (February?). My skinny clothes don't fit me and my fat clothes aren't loose. :( I'm counting calories and trying to restrict myself to 1600 calories per day. I'm also trying to get my activity levels back up again, but it's a slow and frustrating process. You can't make up for lost time - like I tried to do yesterday. I probably made my symptoms worse today.
For now I'm just ick.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I chose to take my sabbatical during July, to maximize my freedom with outdoor time. Sadly, my time off is almost up and I will return to work again on Monday. As I wax nostalgic about the past three weeks, here is a list of some of the positive things I did during that time.
- I went through Chapter 16 of my FMS/CMP survival manual book and created my WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).
- I had my refrigerator repaired.
- I slept late whenever possible.
- I spent a lot of time in my native yard, observing all kinds of wonderful wildlife, like butterflies, hummingbirds, and woodpeckers.
- I stretched and took walks around the neighborhood almost every day. I frequently stretched outside in the yard, getting my sunshine and enjoying the wildlife at the same time.
- I walked to the library and checked out a couple of books.
- I enjoyed homemade salads and fresh summer fruits. I frequently enjoyed them outside, while watching nature.
- I wrote in my journal.
- I ordered some gifts for myself and others, including stationery made from elephant poop (really), and a mbira (thumb piano). I spent plenty of time playing with the mbira (I learned 10 simple songs already) and my old harmonica, too.
- I took a brief ride on my bike. (The brakes need to be adjusted.)
- I created things online for my Zazzle store.
- I took a few epsom salt baths.
- I watched The Red Balloon.
- I visited a local pub for lunch and a drink, then bought myself an ice cream cone.
- I joined a new meetup group and met some interesting folks.
- I did two pub crawls in different towns with my husband.
- I got a massage.
- I listened to classical music while reading in my recliner, while sipping coffee, tea, or water.
- I baked banana bread from scratch.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I just like to share everything, so people don't guess or wonder about me. I realized that I am secretly hoping to preemptively give people the information that would explain any strangeness about me that I expect them to encounter, eventually. With an invisible disease like Fibromyalgia, I don't want people to think I'm fine because I don't look or act "sick" during their initial interactions with me - I may not be up to the next outing or whatever, and want to be upfront about that. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like those phony "let's get together sometime" un-vitations. We all know someone who confirms attendance at an event or party and then doesn't show. I HATE that. I am the kind of person who means what she says, and I don't want any false expectations. I figure that it's only fair to others if I let them know what's going on with me right away.
My husband's got his own invisible disease - Crohn's - so I can certainly value his perspective on this. Perhaps he doesn't like to disclose his health problems to everyone he meets because of the embarrassing nature of the worst symptoms. Although I don't mind discussing my IBS at the dinner table, I can certainly understand not wanting to tell every stranger you meet that you sometimes have to make absolutely sure that a toilet is nearby. That's not a "nice" first impression. (And yes, I also notice that others aren't so happy to discuss my IBS, either - dinner table or not. Wimps! Heh.)
His symptoms also wax and wane, like mine do, so he also appears to "not look sick" to others when he's able to be social. However he's had his diagnosis for a lot longer than I've had mine, so he knows his triggers and cycles better than I know mine. (Color me jealous.)
I think there may also be a gender component to the differing ways we view this topic. As a male, I believe he doesn't like to introduce himself to the world as a sickly person, with vulnerabilities. It's just not masculine. As a female, I don't worry too much about appearing sickly, I guess, because I don't really believe that I need to appear so strong. I do have some self-respect, don't get me wrong, but I know that society doesn't expect me to be Hercules because I'm a chick. That means that I don't really see the big deal in letting everyone know that, well, I'm not Hercules - not by a long shot. Guys - yeah, I guess they might not care to remove the doubt so early on. I can understand that.
So, do I want to BE my disease? No, of course not. I don't want to celebrate it or love it. But I do like to be clear with people. I may seem okay today, but I'm in pain all the time, even when I'm smiling. It takes a lot of effort to make lemonade out of these lemons, but I'm doing it, for my own sake. I want people to know I'm making an effort to choose to interact with them. I am tired. I'm uncomfortable. And I'm in pain. Perhaps I could be napping right now, or resting up, or making progress on some important project or chores, but I'm writing this post today because I care about you, my dear readers.
I have Fibromyalgia. I'm also a person with varied interests. I'm hoping you will not judge me too harshly for telling you the truth about me, whether it's nice or not. I just know I'm not going to hide it like some skeleton in my closet. It's not my fault that I have this challenge - it just is. This is part of who I am.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Here again I lie in bed
While countless thoughts race through my head.
Dare I look to check the time?
Of course I do - 1:39.
Spouse and I retired by ten,
As always, I took my Ambien,
Yet he's the one who's sound asleep,
While I avoid making a peep.
I notice silence; no birds are singing,
Though, of course, my ears are ringing.
I'm also hungry at this odd hour.
Should I have a snack, or rely on will power?
Maybe if I close my eyes
Husband's snores will hypnotize.
I try it for a little bit,
But my thoughts return to... a biscuit.
No! I must not give up hope!
It's just some quiet time. I'll cope.
I turn over, snuggle in,
Take a breath, and even grin.
Yes, I will be dreaming soon,
Not thinking thoughts about the moon,
Or wondering how my level of pain
Will soar tomorrow, thanks to my brain.
Not reprioritizing stuff
Because I won't be up to snuff.
No, I won't worry 'bout tomorrow,
Whether there'll be "spoons" to borrow.
I'll just return to dreaming bliss,
Perhaps I won't remember this.
I check the clock. Two hours have passed.
I can't believe it. That went fast!
But this is how it always goes.
Fibromyalgia's insomnia blows.
Perhaps, someday, they'll find a cure.
For now, I guess I must endure...