New Look for "The Table" Blog

I decided to give my blog a bit of an update.  I had some challenges with getting the right scheme, but I settled on this dazzling one.  I hope you like it. 

In case you're wondering why I chose the zebra pattern for the background, here is a clue from the Ehlers-Danlos Society.

Reflections on the Table

As the new year begins again, I reflect on last year's resolutions. I managed to get a couple of them done. (Hooray!) However, I piled on too much for myself, which is typical of me, and have a bunch of incomplete goals.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it, because I learned that it's okay.  I did make progress on all of the other ones, which is the whole point of setting goals.  This year, I'm giving higher priority to the old resolutions, with modifications, and see if I can do as well and manage to cross something off in a dozen months, even if I won't be able to cross all of them off.  Progress is progress and I will take it.

Well, winter is definitely on, here in the midwest.  It has been snowing and snowing! Plus we had that crazy "polar vortex" deep freeze a couple weeks back that kept me and many others home from work for a couple days. Knowing how the cold always exacerbates my symptoms, my dear husband has been dutifully shoveling the driveway and sidewalks all winter, without my help.  Thanks, Don!  I very much appreciate it!  

Despite my trying to stay warm, I have had a bit of a setback this week with a flare up that started a couple days ago. My back is apparently very angry that I exercised and kept working all week, so yesterday, it spasmed, painfully, all afternoon and all evening and through the night.  I woke up this morning unable to get up from bed for quite a long time, as the pain in my back raged on.  I knew I'd have to get up eventually, though, so I made my way to my heating pad, which helped.

It's incredibly frustrating to keep trying to be healthy and productive while the Chronic Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia keep conspiring to knock me down and punish me for it.  Like many other fibromites, I feel the better days that come along between flare ups can be both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is feeling less pain and feeling less miserable, but the curse is that we all seem to do too much on these good days, because it's our best chance at getting things done.  Then we crash hard because we overdid it.  But, I need to remember that I will have better days and I will have worse days, and it may not make any sense when they occur.  I do what I can to help minimize the worse days and plan for special occasions, but fibro doesn't care. I am still learning to accept that.

Moving on...

I find I'm feeling a little less willing to share my life's details here lately.  It's great to get things off my chest or share things I've learned, but sometimes I guess I just feel more private about things.  Hopefully that's okay with you.  I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's just how I'm feeling. I have been playing with the idea of perhaps closing up the shop here and ending the blog altogether.  That seems a bit wrong of me, though, especially since I have been such a big proponent of blogging and journaling for anyone with chronic health issues.  

It's good to put things into words, you know?  And whether that occurs online, in a private email to a friend, or in a journal, or even just phrased in the mind, I have found answers to confounding questions, time after time, the very moment I finish phrasing the question.  Has this happened to you?  

For instance, I'll be racking my brain all day about, say, the name of an actor I saw in a commercial or something. After hours and hours of hoping for the answer to come to me, I finally ask someone else and BAM! As soon as I hear myself ask the question out loud, the correct answer pops right into my head. It happens at home and it happens at work.  At work, I have had the answer come to me after phrasing an email just right.  Many times, the email never has to be sent, because I figure it out once I just phrase the question right. I do hate to ask for help, which is why I'm glad I figured out this magical answer-finding tip. 

Anyway, getting back to my possibly quitting the blogging... I wonder who reads my words and if they help anyone. It's okay if this is all just a cathartic public journal for me, too, but I guess if I'd be missed, I might try harder to keep things going. I won't commit to anything today, but it's on my mind.  I have subscribed to many blogs over the years and have noticed that some just... stop. There is no good-bye, no warning, no indication that the author intended to quit or if the choice was made for him/her.  I wonder if those authors are okay.  Most of them just get busy, I know, and that's fine.  The blogging is an enhancement to the rest of their lives, which should take a higher priority.  I guess because I'm aware of how it feels to be a reader of a blog that just dies, I wanted to address the topic while I was still writing, in case I do decide to quit.

Like I said, I 'm still here and I will still attempt to post tidbits of knowledge and experience as they come to me, but if I'm not around for a while, just know I'm exercising my right to change things in my life to make it better for myself.  Stay warm!!

Stressing and Pacing with FMS

My last post showed you how I look when my face gets all hot and red. I've been noticing that's died down a bit now, thankfully, though I still notice hot flushes. Actually, maybe I'm just getting used to it and noticing it less, rather than the actual occurrences being reduced. At any rate, I don't always check how red I look now. I just wait it out and go about my business. I'm usually at work when it happens, so I have plenty of distractions.

Speaking of work (well, writing of work, I guess), it's been quite ridiculous with all the meetings, tight deadlines, and lots of work to do and no time to be at my desk to actually do it because of all the damned meetings! I am working on a new, very important project that is expected to be delivered in a few months and things are moving quickly on it. I guess that would be fine if it weren't for the other, usual work things that come up, and if I didn't have to deal with chronic health issues - all at the same time. In addition, there are other things going on in my life - loved ones with health issues and strained family relationships - that are adding to the stress pile.

The net effect of all this stress is that my body has been nagging me about taking a break. Meanwhile, I've been asking it to please wait for a better time to argue with me. Well, I give up. Today's the day. Okay, body? After I post this blog entry, I'm going to bed to rest. All day! That's going to have to do. I have too much going on to spare more than a day at a time. I also don't get paid for this time off, so I don't want financial stresses added to my pile. It's a bit of a catch-22 that way. Anyway, I'm willing to compromise with this day and see how long it gets me. Next week's work schedule is nuts all over again, so I'll have to be ready. If I'm not, there's going to have to be some rescheduling, I guess. It's nothing I haven't done before, but I really hate the feeling. I guess I need to get over that.

It's like I keep telling my friends: I can't help anyone else until I help myself. Remember the oxygen masks on the airplane. They instruct adults to put on their own masks first, then help their kids or others. If you faint, you can't help anyone. I try to picture that during times like this. I need to listen to my own advice more often. I'm still learning how to live with this fibrobeast.

My "Pages" are Finally Updated

A while back, I added what Blogger is calling "pages" to my blog. This is the top row of links to other content on my blog. They've been under construction for a long time, but I've finally updated them. They may get updated in the future, but at least there is substantial content there.

Here are links to those pages, for my subscribers:
Home (same as before - my posts)
About Me
Fibro Info
Native Gardening
Craft Beer
Other

As always, I welcome your feedback.  Enjoy!

Switching to Savella - Done?

Yesterday I felt relatively "normal" (for me) and I think the brain zaps are pretty much through with me, finally. I am still dealing with some odd sensations and discomfort, but after what I've been through, I've decided to try to keep looking forward and enjoy the progress I've made.

Although, to be honest, I have noticed I'm a bit cranky at work today. That could have nothing to do with the meds, though, as quite a few people on my team are missing and stuff is piling up and feeling a bit overwhelming. I'm doing my best to just pick something and do it so I can get it off my list. That's the best strategy I've ever been able to implement for dealing with having way too much on my plate. Just do one thing at a time until it's done and don't worry about the new things being added. A Benia's work is never done. ;)

I don't really want to admit this, but I have had some very minor nausea this morning. I grabbed one of my sugared ginger cubes from my stash and sucked on that for a bit, which helped. I have been nauseated for no apparent reason before the switch, so it could be nothing, but the top side effect of Savella mentioned by both my doctor and the medication information leaflet is nausea. Remembering how terrible the nausea was with Cymbalta, however, still makes me feel like this is going to be just fine.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I've been noticing some fast heartbeats and possible palpitations since starting on Savella. It's one of the possible side effects, but it was also possible with Pristiq, my old SNRI. I have been susceptible to tachycardia since I was a teenager, when I had my first scary episode, though no doctor could tell me why. It could be that Savella is exascerbating that now, but hopefully it won't last too long. The worst time is when I'm trying to sleep and I feel my heart just pounding away like a disco beat.

So, with this mostly behind me, I'm going to get my focus back on getting my tubby body back into some sort of shape. I'm trying to get back on my Baby Steps wagon, and have been trying new ways to strengthen my muscles - starting very slowly, of course. I felt some soreness in new places from the new exercises, which was a bit of a reward for me. I am also trying to get out in the sunshine and walk more, too, while summer's still here.

Hope these posts will help someone, either now or in the future!

UPDATE: See this important post as a follow-up to this withdrawal nightmare: https://xsarenkax.blogspot.com/2011/07/switching-to-savella-guess-who-called.html

My Fibromyalgia Story on Fibroduck's "Faces of Fibromyalgia" Blog

I submitted to Fibroduck a personal account of my transition from normal Benia to the Fibromite Benia I am today. It was published on the "Faces of Fibromyalgia" blog today.

Please click here to read my account.

To submit your story to the Fibroduck "Faces of Fibromyalgia" blog, please include a head and shoulders type photo of yourself and send an email to admin@fibroduck.com.

Did You Miss Me?

I know I've been slacking on the blog posting lately.  Sorry about that.  Things have been a little weirder than usual for me, but I'll attempt to catch everyone up here, while it's on my mind.

Back on August 9th, I started getting these mild abdominal pains here and there.  I didn't think anything of them then, and especially not a couple days later, when I also developed a sore throat, which I assume came from a bug my husband Don passed on to me.  He'd been sick the week before with a bug, so I figured some virus was invading my system and wreaking havoc on my guts a bit.  By Friday, the 13th (ooh!) my sore throat was better and I returned to work, despite the ongoing abdominal pain.

Having been diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) a few years back in late 2007 or so, I'd been doing very well since I started taking a probiotic daily with my vitamins.  I figured I'd been "spoiled" by the virtual elimination of IBS symptoms and didn't think much of a little irritation here and there, especially with the recent mysterious bug.  However, as days passed, I started noticing the abdominal pain was waxing and waning at times, and when it was worse, I seemed also to bloat up, feeling pain from the increased pressure in my belly.  I tried to notice if it had anything to do with eating or eating certain things.  Sometimes I would wake up with the pain, though, so I couldn't make a connection.  Don suggested I have simpler foods for lunch, so I had fresh fruits for lunch for a few days and felt a bit better.

The following Friday, August 20th, I had eaten a pretty large amount of nuts (almonds, cashews, and pecans) for a mid-morning snack.  I probably had more than I should, considering my weight and binging concerns, but I enjoyed them well enough.  A few hours later, the abdominal pains and bloating really got strong.  Around 2pm or so I had just bought myself a late lunch consisting of a grilled cheese sandwich and small chicken noodle soup from our building cafeteria, since I was out of fruit.  It wasn't fruit, but I figured it was simple enough for my guts.  I took a few bites/spoonfuls and couldn't eat any more.  I felt absolutely awful, so I left work to go to the ER and try to find out if something was seriously wrong with me.

Tip: If you can help it, try not to go to the Emergency Room on a Friday afternoon or evening.  When I first got there around 3pm or so, it wasn't too bad, but as the hours wore on, the waiting room filled up with all kinds of people.  Since I wasn't bleeding or unconscious, I wasn't as high a priority, so I had to wait several hours for a room/doctor.  In the meantime, it was very cold and I had someone bring me two blankets to drape myself in while waiting.  They took some blood and urine and did a few tests to check for gallbladder issues.  My tests were okay, I was told.

When I finally got to a room, I was in a queue to get an ultrasound on my abdomen, to see what's going on.  My gallbladder was found to be "distended" and possibly contain some sludge.  The doctors (there was a shift change before I was released) latched onto the gallbladder thing and advised me to avoid fatty, fried foods.  By this time Don had joined me and I looked at him in confusion.  Don vouched for me as we both told the doctor that we already eat pretty healthy now, especially since my yeast-free diet a couple of years back.  We prefer fresh produce, and indulge in "bad" foods only occasionally, here and there.  I really could not believe this was the cause of my problems, but that's the information with which they released me.  I was also given a Bentyl injection for my abdominal pains.  Oddly, the injection was pretty painful, even though I thought I was an old pro at getting shots, as I'd gotten years of them for my allergies.  I was also given a prescription of Bentyl tablets to take as needed at home, and was told to see my primary care physician for a more accurate diagnosis.

I saw my internist the next Monday afternoon on August 23rd.  He ordered more blood testing for thyroid problems and celiac disease (at my mention).  Those came back okay.  He told me to see a gastroenterologist to see if more testing is indicated, possibly a CT scan, scope, or camera pill.

I saw a gastroenterologist Friday afternoon on August 27th.  By this time, I'd tried the nuts again and noticed another episode of worsening symptoms, so I mentioned a possible nut allergy to the doctor, as well as all my other worries which were basically wallpapering the office with pamphlets of all the various conditions I'd read about online - diverticulitis, pancreatitis, gallstones, kidney stones, liver problems, diabetes, etc.  

He was nice enough, but didn't seem concerned about all the things on my mind.  He noticed I listed probiotics on my drug list and asked me how long I've been taking them.  A couple years, at least, I'm sure, I told him.  I added that they've helped me with the IBS when I was first having trouble, and that this bout didn't seem to be like the IBS I'd had before.  (I'm not experiencing any urgencies this time.)  Without ordering any additional tests, he instructed me to stop taking the probiotics for 2-3 weeks and see if my symptoms improve.  If not, see him again and perhaps he will try an antibiotic.  In short, he suspects a possible bacterial overgrowth in my gut.

Although the doctor never used the term, I recall having read about SIBO (Small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) being a problem for fibromites like myself.  Sure enough, the symptoms seem to overlap with my own, though I'm not having all of the symptoms listed. (Those symptoms associated with the "output" of the digestive system seem to be absent.)

So, I've stopped taking my probiotic since the morning of August 28th and I'll see if things improve.  So far, so good, but I have not tested myself against those nuts after the last two times.  Don doesn't want me to suffer, but I'm very curious to see if might are the cause of my problems.  I've also stopped having almond milk (I like Silk Almond Milk with my cereal in the mornings).  None of my doctors seemed concerned about the nuts, even though I mentioned them to each one.

I have an appointment to see my gastroenterologist again on Friday, September 17th that I will cancel if I feel better nearer that date.  I will keep you all informed about what happens.

The Funk

I realized today, as I sat at home, sick with some virus, that I've got some issues to work out.  In a nutshell, I'm doing some binge eating, I've completely fallen off all of my "wagons," and I feel like I might be slipping into some sort of depression (again).  

I'm restless, unable to rest, yet unable to do anything productive.  There are things that are not that difficult that I should do, yet I don't feel able to concentrate enough on them to get them done properly.  Even this blog post had to wait until I forced myself to take action.  I've been kind of watching crap tv all day, not really able to understand what it's all for.  The reality shows are interesting, but I found myself wondering how those people manage to go to work and focus on getting their stuff done.  These hosts have jobs and they are helping people.  It sounds like a great gig.  Then I imagine what it would be like if I were to step into their shoes.  It was unnecessarily overwhelming.  Even a thought-exercise like that was too much for me today.  What is happening to me?  That doesn't seem right.

This time, however, I feel like I may be a tiny bit ahead of the game than the last time, simply because I'm not afraid to be aware of these feelings I'm having.  I'm behaving in ways I don't like and feeling somewhat powerless over the behaviors.  The behaviors come and go, so I have this false sense of control, peppered with extreme regrets and disappointment, disguised as mere setbacks, to help me move on.  

Truly, there is something messed up happening in my brain and I need to take more assertive action before it gets any worse.  I don't know how I'm going to proceed just yet, but at least I'm thinking about it and admitting that it's happening now.  People go through these kinds of things all the time, right?  I've seen movies.  People see shrinks.  Sometimes they find solutions, sometimes, they don't.  I was hoping that I could engage in self-therapy, what with all my researching knack and being cognizant about all this mess.  Then I realized that the journaling and the blogging has become less frequent.  I don't know how honest I've been with myself about some of these things in my own private journal, but I still feel like it hasn't been completely.  

I'm in a funk and I'm aware of it.  Perhaps calling it a "funk" is another way for me to soften the news to myself.  I don't know.  I'm still sorting through things and hoping to figure out a more effective plan for removing myself from it.

Does any of this make sense to you?  Does this kind of reflection belong in a private forum, rather than out here, for all the world to see?  Does it make you uncomfortable to know that this is what I'm going through?  My intent, of course, is not to make any of my readers uncomfortable, but rather twofold: to help me stick to pursuit of a plan to make positive changes, and to help my readers (I know someone out there must know where I'm coming from).

I've decided I am going to fight the funk and seek solutions.  I now know what hasn't been working for me with regard to the diet and exercise plans that I so carefully laid out in older posts.  I'm going to mark this as a less-ambitious, yet still very important, observational phase of my self-improvement project.  I need to understand when and why I fall into the kinds of behaviors I don't like.  Well, first, I need to identify all the behaviors that I don't like.  I'm working on this.  I'm hoping I can continue to keep my journey public, for the benefit of you and me.  

Let's learn together and pick each other up as we fall.  I know I'll fall.  I think it's important to realize that.  But I must learn to get back up again.  Feel free to publicly or privately share your thoughts on any of this.  I welcome your feedback.  Well, I guess I might not welcome some crap "suck it up" sentiments, but I am at least ready for that possibility.


Thanks for reading.

Mallory, My Fibroduck

This is Mallory. :)  Mallory is going to help spread awareness for Fibromyalgia by posing for photos in various locations.  I take her picture and upload to Fibroduck's website, where everyone in the world can see her.

Her spots represent the invisible illness of Fibromyalgia, so you can tell she's not a "normal" ducky.  She's still trying to live a fun and fruitful life, even though she's different, just like I am.  Although sometimes it may seem strange to see a ducky in certain places, it's representative of how strange it may feel for us fibromites to be in this world - kind of like a duck out of water.  Even though you can't see how strange it feels, we feel it.  We compensate however we can and try to make the most of each situation.

I bought my ducky in a 3-pack from a local Party City store for under $3 and customized her with dots myself, but if you like you can order a free* ducky from Jamie Goodwin, the creator of Fibroduck.  (*Due to the expense of running the charitable website, she is now asking for just the cost of postage.)

Please visit Fibroduck online and view some of the photos uploaded there.  Download a poster and join in the fun by taking your own photos and uploading them to share with others.  It's a fun way to do something that helps fibromyalgia awareness, which in turn helps fibromyalgia patients like myself get better, more effective treatments and helps reduce confusion and misunderstanding of this chronic, incurable condition.

P.S.  I have two extra duckies I would be happy to give away to two lucky readers of my blog who are interested in joining up with Fibroduck.  If you'd like your own fibroduck, please let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me check the profile page from my blog's "About Me" page).  I will send a ducky to each of the first two people who are interested.  (Be sure to leave me your email address so I can contact you.) 

Fibroletters, Fibromyalgia Letter Writing Campaign

I have recently discovered a great cause that helps to demonstrate how Fibromyalgia (FMS) affects people.  The name of the idea is Fibroletters, Fibromyalgia Letter Writing Campaign.  It was started by several patients with Fibromyalgia (among other conditions) to help the public understand of the reality of Fibromyalgia.  

Per the Facebook page, here is a description of the purpose of this campaign.

This is not an FMS awareness campaign, but more of an FMS humane campaign.

The purpose of the group is to get at least 500 letters from those that suffer FMS, their families, friends, neighbors, co workers and anyone that can say how it not only affects the sufferer, but those around them.

Once we reach 500 letters they will all be mailed to the media AT ONE TIME. We are hoping that if its sent this way, it will be the same as if we were there. Each letter representing a person. Each person telling a story. Each story affecting another.

Please join us in sending a letter snail mail or email.  (More info is on the web page.)

Whether you are a patient, friend, relative, coworker, or just know someone with Fibromyalgia, you will very likely have a perspective on how this health condition has affected you.  Most readers of this blog (if not all) know someone who has Fibromyalgia.  Many of you know me, and if you know me, you know someone with Fibromyalgia. 

I have already written and submitted my letter via email.  Will you please take a few moments to write a few words about how Fibromyalgia has affected your life and send it in as well?  There is no cost, other than time, and your words will have an impact on this campaign.  Your letter can help make a difference.  

Please write a letter and send it in.  Share this campaign with others you know.  Join the Facebook page.  Visit the website.  Share the link with your friends and invite them to join.  Post the call for letters in your blog or networks.  Email about it.  Talk about it.  Tweet about it.  Get the word out any way you can so they can reach their goal of 500 letters.

Our healing begins with understanding and the best way to help others understand is to write a personal letter.

Thank you!

Beercation 2009 - Photos!

The Fibro Frog strikes again!

I'm so sorry, dear readers.  I recently realized that I'd neglected to share the link to all the photos Don and I took on our Beercation (beer + vacation = beercation) during the very end of 2009.  I see that I posted a little something about it, but the photos were not uploaded at the time.

Well, without further ado, here are all the photos, with my captions added. 

Beercation 2009 Photos

I hope you enjoy them.  As always, feel free to comment, either on the photo pages themselves (via Picasa Web by Google) or here, at The Table.

Feeling Icky

Bleh...  In a word, that's about how I've been feeling for the past week or three.  I'm so glad I had some good days to celebrate, because these are the days when I just don't have it.  I'm tired, I'm achy, and I have to really push myself to get anything done. 

My motivation is getting things off my to-do list, because I keep writing things down over and over, wherever I am, on various slips of paper, and eventually, I have lists and lists repeating the same important tasks all over the place, while the task itself remains undone.  I'm proud to say that I managed to cross a couple things off my lists today, and even tossed an obsolete list or two away.  It's progress that I am happy about, even though I know I could have done all that and more very easily in "the before time".

I've noticed the stairs are getting more and more taxing on my leg muscles, lately, too.  I have been mixing up my stretching routines with some isometric strengthening exercises, including some squat-type moves that help strengthen my leg muscles.  Of course, progress has been slow.  I have been slow!  

I feel this post is somewhat disappointing, but I wanted to check in with whoever might be reading and let them know I'm still alive.  I'm just not feeling right lately, so I don't have much to say today.  I'm feeling icky with a flare-up and I'm pushing through it.  

formspring.me

If you could have perfect health, but only by giving up one of your five senses, which one would it be?

I thought and thought about this. I would not choose to give up sights or sounds - that seems too drastic. Touch is tempting with the fibro, but think of how lonely and weird that would be, especially if losing a sense of touch could make me fibro-free. It's like the gift of the Magi.

At first, I was going to choose my sense of smell to give up, since it seems to be so minor in a person's life, plus there are so many unpleasant smells that I could do without. Then I remembered that taste is affected by smell, and I would be losing part of taste as well as smell in one shot. That would kinda suck.

Ultimately, I decided, and this was a tough one, that I would lose my sense of taste to be perfectly healthy otherwise. I would not be able to taste my favorite foods, but I could still smell them. I love the smell of a nice, hoppy beer and always take a great, big whiff before my first taste of a new beer. Perhaps I would eat more healthfully (you know, eat to live, rather than live to eat) but not have to sacrifice the world of wonderfully smelling foods.

Ask me anything

Out of Order

I've noticed that, lately, I've been catching myself messing up some of my very important routine tasks.

This morning, I woke up seeing the contents of my open closet very clearly.  After the initial "wow, I can see pretty well" moment, I realized I'd slept with my contact lenses still in.  I don't do that.  I always take them out every night, with very rare, but always intentional, exceptions.  They are monthly disposables, but I still take them out and soak them each night, as I have dry eyes (as many of us fibromites do) and frequently feel irritation in my eyes.  The nightly refreshing helps a little bit.  This time, however, I got into bed without having realized that I'd completely skipped this step in my nightly routine.  I also noticed I was wearing my t-shirt.  I usually sleep naked.  Again, I do this with rare, but always intentional, exceptions.  This time, it was just completely overlooked that I'd left my shirt on for bed.

My nightly routine is a very complex sequence of events.  I have devised this sequence to help me ensure that each step is completed.  Over the past months and years, I've been using the same sequence, and it's been working fine... until lately.

Here's what I do each night before bed:

1. Check for / remove jewelry (one ring, earrings) and contents of any pockets (usually a tissue or two, sometimes my cell phone).  I put these away in their places immediately.
2. Use the toilet and wash and dry hands thoroughly.
3. Remove contact lenses for nightly soak in solution.
4. Fill my jelly jar with water for my medications.
5. Use a Pond's cleansing cloth to remove any makeup from my face.
   
6. Remove all night time medications from my basket and set on the right side of the counter (at the near edge of the counter).
7. Remove the morning medications from my basket and set them near the clock on the right side of the counter (at the far wall).
   
8. Use one inhaled medication (Serevent, for asthma maintenance).  Set near the morning meds, for a morning dose.
9. Use the other inhaled medication (QVar, also for asthma maintenance).  Put away in the basket for the following night.
10. Open the appropriate day of the week in my blue, nighttime medicine organizer while making sure I am on the correct day, and put all five meds into my hand.  Take each pill, one by one, with the water from my jelly jar glass.
11. Put the blue, nighttime medicine organizer back into the basket for the next night.
12. Move the jelly jar glass to the morning meds area on the counter for the morning.
13. Apply a gob or two of GenTeal eye gel into each lower eyelid.  Place the gel tube back into the basket for the next night.
14. Floss, if necessary.  (I don't always floss, but every few days is good.)
    
15. Take a swig of mouthwash, swish a bit, spit. (I like Tom's of Maine Peppermint.)
16. Squeeze out some toothpaste onto my toothbrush (Tom's of Maine Peppermint) and brush my teeth thoroughly.
17. Apply a dab of petroleum jelly onto my lips for the night and leave the bathroom.
18. On the way to the bed, the clothes come off and I climb into bed.  

After all that, I sometimes get distracted with other minor tasks I want to jot down before sleeping, or some computer task I want to do quickly, or I climb into bed and pick up my journal and review my day's experiences and symptoms.

Somehow, despite my fibrofog working constantly to thwart me and make me appear idiotic to any witnesses, I have successfully managed to keep to this routine and get it all done, mostly without thinking much about it.  Lately, however, I am troubled to realized that things are not running so smoothly on the Benia nighttime routine train.  Sometimes I do things out of order and miss steps, and of course it does not become apparent to me until it's too late.  

Is this it?  Am I losing my mind now?  Should I say goodbye to the last semblance of control that I thought I had over my body?  I don't like this feeling.  There is still some kind of me left inside this brain of mine, no matter how funny I sound when I try to speak or do stuff.  I noticed some interesting movements in the kitchen this morning, during breakfast preparations as well.  Heading to the fridge and not knowing what I wanted from there.  Walking away, wondering if I really meant to go to the cabinet next to the fridge for crackers?  No, it was mustard - it WAS the fridge.  I had to say it outloud so I wouldn't forget it by the time I'd opened the fridge door!  Plus I wanted my witness to remind me in case my thought escapes again at the worst moment.

I'm not ready to be stamped as senile or some sort of idiot.  Thank goodness I can still type some sort of sense down.  The luxury of time is not given during live action verbal communications, but here in my safe haven, I can type and retype and correct and change and think as long as I need to before delivering the final version of my perfected message.  My new dream for income is to involve my writing skills and allow myself the time to spend to make sure it is how I want it.  I don't yet have a plan, but it's bouncing around in my head as an idea.  Besides, if I ever get too slow-thinking for my dayjob, it's good to have a fallback career idea to try. 

Friends in Need

I'm a big proponent of reaching out to others for the somewhat selfish goal of feeling good oneself, and for the altruistic goal of making someone else feel good.  I'm also a big proponent of killing two birds with one stone.  I have found the secret to happiness.  It lies with the spirit of giving and getting at the same time.

Yes, I have unmet needs, and there are times, when I feel especially shitty, when I seem to have nothing left to give anyone, not even to my own self.  These are very low days for me.  But I also have some reasonably okay days, too.  What I've discovered is that there are some things that I can give someone while I am able that can help me feel better on my worst days while also helping someone else at the same time.

Giving something to a friend in need is actually a gift to my future self!  It's a gift I can rely on to help keep me out of that low pit of pitifulness when things seem to be falling apart in every single way and then some.

Now, I'm not talking about giving millions to charity or buying someone a requisite* birthday gift.  (*I'll share my philosophy on gift-giving holidays in another post.)  The kinds of things I'm talking about are:

• a laugh
• a hug
• a few minutes of kind understanding
• a massage
• an inexpensive but useful and appreciated physical item (like a journal)

So, this blog post is my gift to some of my fibro friends who really, really need right now: SarahBear & Coffeesister.

Sarah is young and has Fibromyalgia.  She's had this condition for years and is not getting appropriate treatment.  Anyone with Fibromyalgia knows how challenging it can be to stay motivated while in constant pain and exhausted (not to mention dealing with the myriad other symptoms that FM brings).  She lives in a remote area with no health insurance, and also has very limited funds.  But she's a go-getter and she has a plan.  She believes that a Fibromyalgia & Fatigue Centers, Inc. treatment center a few states away can help her significantly, if only she could raise enough money to travel there and pay for the treatments.  She knows it's not a cure, but it's better than the care she's getting now.

I believe it's a good plan, but it's one of those long shots.  She can't do this alone, so if you're reading this post and have a drawerful of change reserved for the vending machine, please consider giving just a buck or two to Sarah.  Here is the Facebook page describing her mission.  She has a PayPal account set up just for this goal and she is extremely grateful for any bit she gets.  She's also on Twitter if you're interested in following her tweets.

Coffeesister is the alias to a vibrant woman named Dorian.  As you can guess, she loves coffee...

(|_|*cheers*|_|)

...but she's also another victim of Fibromyalgia.  She and her honey are on a mission to move.  For most folks, moving is a bit of a pain in the ass, but it's not that big a deal.  It's a lot more challenging and complicated when you're broke and time is not on your side.  But I believe they can do it.  Dorian is creative and wise, and she's eking out usefulness from every idea and penny that comes her way.

Like Sarah, she's very grateful for all the love, whatever form it takes.  Again, if you can spare a couple bucks to help Dorian and Rhodester get to San Francisco, you will definitely be thanked profusely for it.  Here is their lovely PayPal account.  And here is Coffeesister's Twitter account.

Give your self some cheap love.  No, no - not like that!  Make a donation, or simply reach out to these wonderful people and share something personal and useful with them.  It does not have to be money (though they sure won't mind some) - even a kind word or two will do.  They both have blogs and every blogger loves getting supportive comments.  (EVERY blogger!  *wink, wink*)  They're both fine individuals and just need a bit of a boost.  Anything you can offer them now will go a long way toward keeping them afloat and will help you feel all warm and fuzzy inside at the same time.  Win-win!

I hope I've inspired you to look for opportunities to feel good about yourself and help someone when you can.

Thanks for reading.

New Table Dressings - Part 2

So... I've made some changes to the way my blog looks.  I managed to maintain the same overall format while trying some new colors and stuff.  What do you think?

New Table Dressings

I'm a bit bored with the look of my blog and am currently shopping around for and brainstorming new design ideas.

Stay tuned for a new look here in the coming weeks...

Hi, I'm Benia

"Nice place you got here" was the first thing I said to my now-husband when I met him in person at his house. Then I moved in and we got married. I met him online and we'd communicated via e-mails and chatting before I finally decided I should meet the boy. I kind of did the same thing with blogging sites. I'm now officially moving in. :)

I thought I'd use my very first post to introduce myself to my readers. One of my faults is being too detailed, so it's a challenge to sum up my life in a short post. I'm a bit on the pedantic side, so if you catch me using "it's" when I should be using "its" (which I caught myself doing twice in the past couple days), feel free to let 'er rip and let me know about it.

I was born and raised in Chicagoland by Polish immigrants. I'm the third of three daughters, and the black sheep as well. Much to my family's chagrin, I converted from Catholocism to Atheism in adulthood. I'm also happily child-free.

The old Benia died on 9/25/2006 when I was rear-ended at a stoplight. The whiplash/concussion I sustained then triggered the Fibromyalgia with which I suffer today. If you're unfamiliar with this condition, it's difficult to understand, even for doctors, but I've done a significant amount of reading and can conclude the following about it. It is not fatal, but it is a chronic, life-altering pain condition that has its roots in a central nervous system disorder - thereby affecting all systems in the body. It's a bit of a bitch to get used to, frankly, and I'm working hard on trying to live with this beast and still have something of a positive attitude in life. My future posts will uncover whether or not I'm able to do that.

Stay tuned and thanks for visiting.