My Life at Forty

Ahh, life.  What is life?  It's consciousness, the ability to use energy and do things.  It's about choices as well as things that just kinda happen.  Some of my experiences are the results of my choices or the choices of others.  Some things also just happen.  Sometimes it's fun and happy; other times, not so much.

I turned 40 earlier this month.  I never used to care about age or understand why some people lie about their age.  "It's just a number," I would say to people.  30 was no big deal.  I felt fine with being a thirty-year-old.  It was just another birthday, though I do remember having a small party to celebrate it.  I suppose it was an excuse to to have a celebration and enjoy some pizza and cake with people.  Oh, and drinks.  Many, many drinks.  It was a good time.  I eased into adulthood, perhaps happy to leave the immature twenties behind.

In the weeks leading up to my 40th birthday, however, I kind of felt something new.  I kind of kept reflecting upon my age, my health, my death.  Will I live another 40 years?  Is this really the middle of my life?  The past forty years seem to have been short - will the next forty also feel short, or even shorter? 

I'm still not much for lying about age or denying it to myself.  I am facing these thoughts, mostly out loud to my husband, who turned 40 last year.  It's weird how I never anticipated this birthday being much more than some random milestone assigned by society.  I'm starting to get what those "Over the Hill" birthday party favors and gag gifts are about.  It's a way for everyone to acknowledge these feelings, but tempered with some humor.  I suppose celebrating birthdays with people both older and younger than yourself is really the right way to do it.  The older folks have gone through it already themselves, and survived!  That's encouraging.  The younger folks remind me of my younger days, not expecting to know what reaching older ages is like, both physically and mentally. 

Now that I've been "wearing" 40 for a few weeks, it seems to be less scary.  I still have to face the facts that I am now in a new age group.  Mammograms, colonoscopies, and bifocals are surely lining up for me in the near future.  I've had a few mammograms already - and yeah, OUCH - they are not fun.  But assuming the results keep coming back negative for any abnormalities, I'm okay with that. 

I came close to getting a colonoscopy back when my IBS was flaring up over several months, but as luck would have it, my awesome GI gave me a new medication that actually worked and we canceled the exam.  I am also aware of the process, as my husband has had several colonoscopies, due to his Crohn's disease.  It's not fun, lasts longer than a mammogram, and is pretty inconvenient, too.  Still, I can get through that.  I also have had an endoscopy done, if that counts for anything.

As for bifocals, I'm already nearsighted since high school, and usually opt for contact lenses to correct my distance vision.  Since that car accident in 2006, though, my vision has changed in several ways, and continues to change rather frequently.  I already notice my very near vision has become blurry, making reading fine print challenging.  Again, though, perhaps a prescription change is not so terrible.  I've been managing corrective lenses thus far.  I can probably handle that.  I guess.

So, these are not so scary.  Aging gracefully may still be an option for me.  Many folks make it to 80 and 90 in relatively good health.  With lifelong conditions like Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, and Asthma, I understand I have additional challenges, but I also understand that being as fit as I can be is the key to empowering me with the best health I can achieve.  I know that eating healthy and staying active goes a long way toward preserving good health, so I will strive to do those things.

Some other recent events have also caused me to reflect on my age and mortality. 

Near the end of the workday on my 40th birthday, my husband suffered a severe kidney stone attack.  The stone was 6.5mm across and was stuck very near the left kidney.  I'll spare you the details, but life was miserable for him for several weeks thanks to this surprise.  We had to cancel my birthday party, and he felt bad about that, but I wanted him to feel better and stay close to home in case of any complications.  He's passed some of it and is feeling much better now, finally.

I also recently learned that my mother-in-law had suffered a stroke.  This was not her first, but it seems more serious that the one she had before I met her.  Although she was told that one side of her body will not recover this time, I am hoping that she can beat the odds and regain some function and sensation that was lost.  Thank goodness it was not her dominant side and she can still do some things.  I'm also glad that she can talk and remember us all. 

As we approach the year 2013, I have listed a few new resolutions (which I never used to do until 2012) that take into consideration my age, my health, my family, and my wants and needs.  I wish to be more responsible with my own health, as an investment of my old age as well as to help relieve others of the need to worry about me.  This includes considering making decisions and arrangements for what will happen to my remains when I die.  I feel it's the responsible thing to do. 

When life manages to give me warnings, I strive to make the most of it, whether it's through me or others, and learn something from it.  I won't live my life sheltered, but I will not live recklessly if I can help it.

Take care and do pay attention to your own body and look for the warning signs that could help keep you healthy and young at heart.  I hope the next year brings you closer to your personal goals and opens your eyes to wonderful opportunities! 

Yogurt for Breakfast, Yoga for Lunch

Despite my continuing, daily IBS moments, I had a great time visiting the French Quarter of New Orleans last week!  This was my third trip to the Quarter, my last one in May of 2005, before Hurricane Katrina hit.  Luckily, things are pretty much the same again, though we noticed some of the smaller one-off businesses were replaced by those owned by one or more other businesses.  Anyway, the food was delicious and there was plenty to drink as well.  We are older now, so we had to cut back to just two meals per day.  (I don't know how we used to do it eating all day long!)  There was a lot of walking to do as well, and though Don worried I wouldn't be up to it, I made an extra effort to prove him wrong.  I needed breaks, of course, but I still had a fun time!  We took the train this time, too - a new experience for both of us.  It was more fun than driving and less annoying than going through security at the airport.  (We're boycotting the airlines until they stop being ridiculous to the passengers about all this TSA bullshit.)  It was a long ride and both ways we traveled through the night.  Sleeping on a train - let me rephrase that - TRYING to sleep on a train is not as much fun, but we survived and enjoyed the new experience. 

Now the party's over and it's back to work and back on track with the healthy diet.  I feel fatter then when I left, but hey, I was on vacation.  Lack of stress is worth a weight-loss setback in my book.

I'm back in Calorie Count's Calorie Camp and logging my foods and studying my nutritional intake.  Today, I started my day with a fun yogurt mix.  At my house, we like to minimize waste and buy the large yogurt containers and get either plain or vanilla flavor.  When it comes time to have some, we dress up dinners with plain wherever sour cream might be called for, or mix in some fruit or preserves for a sweet snack.  I cut up a peach into a bowl, added some French Vanilla Stonyfield Farm yogurt, and sprinkled in some generic Grape Nuts for a fun breakfast.  I'm still dealing with this darn IBS flare-up (no break during vacation either, unfortunately) so I'm hoping the probiotics and occasional yogurt will help calm things down eventually.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what causes my symptoms to flare-up or calm down.  I'm speculating something slower or cumulative, multiple triggers are doing something, but it's so hard to pin it all down.

In addition to healthy diet efforts, I started my very first yoga session today, at lunchtime.  (Note: my fibromyalgia doctor has recommended that I try some yoga and start slowly.)  My employer has coordinated with a yoga instructor to come visit our building every Wednesday (starting last week, so I missed that first session) and welcome us to an hour-long session during our lunch hour.  I had done yoga at home years before I developed Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain, or IBS, or any of my other current health issues, but this was my first yoga class.  It was good.  I felt the work in muscles that aren't used to doing that much work.  I shook and did some sweating.  (Unfortunately, there are no shower facilities so I did my best with a change of clothes, a wet wipee "wash" and some deodorant.)  I kept up with most of the poses and even opted for some of the extra challenge poses, but I did have to fall back on others here and there.  I had the most trouble with my wrists after all the push-ups and hand support, but hopefully, I'll build up some strength over time.  Overall, I'm happy with the convenience of the class and being able to enjoy it with my coworkers as well.  The cost is $10 per session, which seems reasonable to me for the convenient scheduling.  Our instructor was also nice and helpful in correcting posture when necessary.  I'm looking forward to the next one.

I didn't have my traditional Whole Foods buffet salad today because of yoga today, but I planned ahead yesterday while there, and bought some self-mixed trail mix and a few nut/fruit bars I'd been meaning to try.  I also brought a banana to work today.  They all helped to keep me full and give me good nutrition with some fun flavors, while allowing me to graze while working. 

I did, however, make the mistake of eating before the yoga session, though, which I did because I was hungry and wasn't thinking, but... NOTE TO SELF: when you have IBS that seems to act up whenever eating anything, be mindful of the timing of any activities that may keep you from a toilet.  I managed to finish things up in time, but it was kind of close, and I felt a little off on the way to class.  Next time I'll work out hungry and eat later.  See?  Learning.  It's all good.  I like progress, even slow progress.  Anything's better than that downward spiral that can suck you down.  I'm working hard to avoid that.

I Don't Mind the Snormy Nights Anymore

The last few weeks have been interesting for me.  Don and I took the last two weeks of the year off work.  The first week, we traveled to Michigan for a short beercation, visiting Dark Horse, Arcadia Ales, and Three Floyds in Indiana, while on the way back to Illinois.  It was a great time, but I started having some trouble sleeping.

The week after that, I caught some sort of mild cold and continued to have increasingly more difficulty getting and staying asleep each night.

Just this week, a day after returning to work, I came down with some sort of stomach virus that had me weak, in pain, and exhausted from being awake for several hours each night.

What's worse, Don is a snorer.  There is a running joke at our house that, whenever I hear him snoring a lot during the previous night, the next day I complain that last night was very "snormy".

He seems to sleep pretty well, despite his snoring, but I certainly don't, especially when flare ups or other things are keeping me awake.  As a fibromite, I am never fully rested, even if I manage to stay asleep all night, as there is something in my body that is unbalanced and prevents me from reaching the deepest stages of sleep.  It is a common symptom of Fibromyalgia and I definitely suffer from it.

The worst part of Don's snoring, as I realized while listening to and studied the sound for many hours on end very recently, is that it's not a nice, rhythmic pattern of sound that I can get used to hearing and still drift off to sleep despite the volume.  Rather, the sounds vary in type, volume, and timing.  At times, I'd manage to drift into that pre-sleep stage, only to be startled back awake by that all too familiar chainsaw in the bed, next to me.  I must admit, there were times when I felt so frustrated I almost wanted to smother him with my pillow... but I didn't.  I cannot punish him for something he cannot help or even realize he is doing.  He's sound asleep, dreaming.  He might as well get a good night's rest, even if I can't.

Anyway, in the mornings, after Don was up for work, I mentioned my lack of sleep and my frustration with the snorminess.  He wanted to help, but wasn't sure what he could do.  He even offered to try those BreatheRight nasal strips that are supposed to help reduce snoring, but he has his own health problems and I didn't want to hurt his fragile skin with the adhesive.  I asked for ear plugs.

My little foam ear plugs, after several uses

Since I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's a couple weeks ago and saw Holly's fancy little tasseled ear plugs, I wondered if I should be sleeping with ear plugs, too.  Not tasseled ones, of course - I'd never be able to sleep comfortably with those.  But I knew we had foam ear plugs in the house, because we have gone target shooting and have proper ear protection for that activity.  So, Don dug them up for me and I tried them several nights ago, for the first time (for sleep).

The nice thing about these ear plugs is that they are like memory foam: they are small, and soft.  You roll the little cylinders into skinny little things that you can quickly cram into your ears, then they expand back as much as they can to fill your ear canal and block as much sound as they can.   They don't block it all - in fact, I can still hear the snores through them, but they definitely dampen a lot of the noise, so it's a lot easier to ignore.  They also block out all those little bump-in-the-night noises that can wake a light sleeper.

When I first put them in, I get to hear the ringing in my head a bit louder for a while, but I seem to get used to it soon enough and then drift off to slumber pretty easily.  I have used them now for three nights and I have slept WELL for a change!  I only remember waking up maybe once each night, to turn over and get comfortable.  I fell back asleep quickly and slept until a reasonable morning hour.  These little things have made a huge difference in my ability to sleep, stay asleep, and all the cascading symptoms that occur when I don't get enough z's.

If you're a light sleeper who gets awakened by any little noise or slight disturbance during the night, or if you are lucky enough to have a snoring bed mate and it's affecting your sleep, these are cheap and comfortable and worth a try.  Of course, if you have someone who depends on you to wake up at night, like a baby or other dependent, you may not want to reduce your chances of hearing them, but otherwise, go for it!

Here is a quick start to finding some foam ear plugs online, but you can probably find at least one brand at your local general store as well.  The larger packs might be better worth the price or/and shipping, since I'm sure they can only be reused so many times before they break down and get nasty from ear wax and sweat and stuff.  Invest in a few.

I hope this helps someone out there.  I wish I'd tried this earlier!

Exciting, New Flavors of Pain

First off, I'm happy to report that my bout of food poisoning has finally subsided.  :)

After being in constant and varying Fibromyalgia (FMS) & Chronic Myofascial (CMP) pain for almost 5 years now, I'm surprised to find that I'm still experiencing some new, unfamiliar pains.

Having declared (only recently) that I have finally graduated to the final stage of grief - acceptance of my chronic illnesses - I thought I'd figured out how my new, broken body works to some degree. Sure, it's still unpredictable, but understanding the unpredictability kind of helps it be more predictably unpredictable. Words fail me, but I hope you know what I mean. Come to think of it, since Fibro Fog is part of the new me, perhaps these pains aren't really new. Perhaps they are just pains I've had but don't recognize this time around. Perhaps I'd experienced these pains earlier, but I was too new at this chronic illness thing and didn't quite understand what it was. Heck, I'm not sure now, but I have a hunch it's got something to do with FMS or CMP.

At any rate, I'll try to describe how these weird pains feel...

Last night, I was sitting on the couch with Don, enjoying some evening TV. Suddenly, out of nowhere, my lower left pelvic region felt like shards of glass were trying to break through my abdomen to run around the house, screaming. It was abrupt and made me "ow!" out loud, confusing Don as to what he might have done this time. I reassured him that it was nothing he'd done and felt it again. It was odd. I was happy to find that it settled back in and left me alone for the rest of of the night.

Today, I started my day feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck, but I still don't know why. I slept, dreamt, and don't remember exerting myself too much lately. (Although who knows what my thresholds are these days?) Eventually, I crawled into the shower and spent far too long trying to make the peppermint Dr. Bronner's soap wake me up or something, I guess. I got ready and drove myself to work. Getting out of the car was challenging, after having stiffened up during the drive (about a half-hour). I walked toward the building feeling sore in every last muscle from my butt down. Interesting, but nothing too unusual. Soreness is a fact of life for me now, even when I don't know exactly what I did to earn it. A few hours later, though, after going about my business at the office, I noticed my neck and shoulders got extremely tight and sore. My back hurts a little oddly too. It's like some package of misfortune has descended upon my upper body. What the heck? I try not to take too many as-needed meds if I can help it, but this seemed to warrant a muscle relaxant.

I'm still experiencing this high-level and sudden shoulder/neck stiffness and pain right now, and the legs are still sore when I walk. What happened? Was it something I did? More importantly, what's next??

I'm due for a vacation soon. Don has become wary of planning excursions with me lately, since he never knows if I'll be up to enjoying things with him, or if he'll end up having to try to enjoy something without me. I am convinced that if I am "on vacation" and not worrying about the usual stuff, my body will be more cooperative and let me have some fun without making me crash. I definitely won't be running marathons or anything crazy, but I think being pleasantly distracted helps keep stress levels down, which in turn, helps to keep my body processing working a little better than usual.

Cross your fingers for me!

One Stress Declining; Another Rising

As my work project is finally coming to its fruition this very day, the buildup of mental stress is beginning to wane.  It seems everything has been going reasonably well and any problems that may occur with our project should be relatively minor and manageable.  I'm sure there will be unanticipated little snafus here and there, but thus is any IT project.  We learn as we go, maintain and fix bugs as we continue to find them, and make continual enhancements.  So, I do finally feel better about this.

Physically, though, I've got a new stressor.  Let me give you the background first.

Last Thursday, my employer threw a lovely picnic for us all.  I had a great time, sang karaoke, even danced and enjoyed life for a while.  It was surely confusing for all my coworkers to see me looking as if I wasn't in any pain at all - especially the ones who don't understand Fibromyalgia and it's ups and downs. 

Anyway, I had been developing a headache near the end of the party, though I ignored it as part of the deal for feeling great and having a few drinks.  I met up with my husband afterwards for water, coffee, and a half-sandwich.  I continued to ignore the headache, hoping the water would help keep it at bay.  I went to sleep expecting it to be gone or mostly gone by morning.

That night, I woke up around 1am feeling absolutely awful.  The headache exploded to a level 7 or 8 and I felt very uncomfortable.  I was nauseated, too, which happens with severe migraines, so I grabbed a couple of Triscuits and water from the kitchen.  Literally, after the first Triscuit, I had to run to the toilet.

I'll spare you the details, but it was pretty clear that this wasn't a typical migraine - it was food poisoning, and my body was getting rid of what I recognized as potato salad cubes, even though I'd only had a bit at the picnic, and it about 12 hours earlier - before my dinner sandwich meal.  I felt a little better after the explosive "episode" was over, but not fantastic by any means.  I assumed I was on my way to feeling better and went back to bed and slept a bit. 

I went to work the next morning, still feeling the workout of my guts and assuming they were just tired and recovering from that night's activities.  I had green tea to help chase away any bacteria.  I'd also found out others were ill from the picnic food, too, which confirmed my theory.  It was a hot day, so it makes sense.  I just wish I'd thought to avoid the "cold" foods.  (Lesson learned!) 

As the day wore on, I started feeling more pain in the guts again.  It was building up again.  I left work early and read about typical food poisoning and how to self-treat.  I assumed it was over that day, but apparently this thing can last a few days - and it is still affecting me today, three days later.  I'm hydrating and eating only bland foods and sparingly until things improve.  When the pain comes on, it gets hard to stand up straight, or tolerate any movement. 

At least I know this is one of those temporary things that normal people get.  If this was just some random Fibro symptom, I'd be much more confused about how long it would last or what it means.  I'll just try to rest my guts and body until this passes, though I still need to get to work to deal with any fresh problems with our new application.

Never fear, though, I've got vacation time scheduled in a few weeks and will be getting some R&R soon.  Just knowing that helps relieve stress.

What Fibro? (A Wonderful Vacation)

I just got back from a great week long vacation with my husband.  We drove up to his old stomping grounds in Glennie, Michigan to stay with his childhood friend's family, out in the country.  

The weather was sunny and hot for most of the trip, and we did lots of fun stuff, like canoeing (my first time), four-wheeling (another first for me), target shooting, a pontoon boat ride (another first for me), attending a local 4th of July parade, even tossing the old Frisbee around.
 

We also visited several great places along the way, including our favorite brewery, Founders in Grand Rapids, MI, and attended a Weird Al concert in Indiana on the way back home.

I noticed that, despite all the activities, I felt GREAT!  I hardly dealt with any of my fibromyalgia or other health conditions myriad symptoms.  I had only little pain in my back, neck, and hands and feet.  There was no nausea, no headaches, no IBS problems, and very little (unearned) fatigue.  This was all a great relief to both me and my husband, as he worries about planning vacations around my unpredictable symptoms.  

I speculated as to the factors that may have been so helpful with regard to lifting my pains, fatigue, and health problems while on the road.  Here is a list of possibilities I have pondered:

• I got lots of warm sunshine, which means I got lots of vitamin D.
• I ate and drank lots of yummy food and delicious beers.
• I had little stress thanks to no work, no chores, no commuting, even no diet.  My husband even planned all the stops and did all the driving.  (Thanks, Don!)
• I had plenty of distraction with new people to meet, new surroundings, and new experiences.  I was busy!
• I got plenty of exercise and walked a lot.
• I got plenty of sleep.  (I slept surprisingly well on all the strange beds.)
• I had plenty of FUN!!!

I had a wonderful time and am very thankful that I got to experience it without being a fibro-drag on the rest of the group.  (I hate slowing down everyone else's fun because I don't feel well.)

Unfortunately, now that I'm back to my non-vacation routine at home/work, I'm noticing the return of some symptoms.  My asthma seems to be acting up at both work and home, causing me to cough, clear my throat, and sound hoarse again.  (This was all gone on vacation!)  I am digging up and finding that molds in the indoor air of my office building and possibly in my basement where I like to watch TV in the evenings could be aggravating my allergic asthma and possibly adding a post-nasal drip, which could be behind the throat clearing.  The difficulty breathing seems also to be causing me to be exhausted during most of my day, and especially at the end of the day.  To top it all off, my comfy, familiar bed at home doesn't seem to be comfortable enough for good sleep, as my sleep seems more interrupted and broken now that I'm home.

To top it off, my native garden is under attack by the village (again) due to ignorant folks making anonymous complaints that have no merit.  The village is threatening to mow the entire parkway TOMORROW!  Little does the author of the threatening letter realize that our native plants benefit the entire neighborhood, while the turf-grass they so seem to adore is harmful in several ways.

In addition to all this mess, I'm dealing with several other stressful situations that have to do with others and things out of my control, as well.  I won't go into details, but it's so overwhelming that I feel compelled to keep making lists about follow-up tasks and chores. Ugh...

I suppose there would be no wonderful experiences if there weren't also awful ones, for comparison.  I'll try to keep that in mind and appreciate my health remission for the temporary phenomenon it was, and look forward to my next one.

I'm wishing you all a pain-minimal day!

If you could go on vacation for the next month with an unlimited budget, where would you go?

Ooh, that's a tough one! I long to return to New Orleans, and I'd love to get there by train. The airports are ridiculous these days. French Quarter of New Orleans has awesome food, booze, and people, all in walking distance. Since I'd have a whole month, I could explore outside the Quarter and visit some of the surrounding areas and explore new things in Louisiana.

What's on your mind? Fun or serious questions welcome.

Beercation 2009 - Photos!

The Fibro Frog strikes again!

I'm so sorry, dear readers.  I recently realized that I'd neglected to share the link to all the photos Don and I took on our Beercation (beer + vacation = beercation) during the very end of 2009.  I see that I posted a little something about it, but the photos were not uploaded at the time.

Well, without further ado, here are all the photos, with my captions added. 

Beercation 2009 Photos

I hope you enjoy them.  As always, feel free to comment, either on the photo pages themselves (via Picasa Web by Google) or here, at The Table.

"Weird" Things I've Done

What is the weirdest thing you have ever done?

I struggled with this question. I've done some unusual things, but nothing completely unheard of. I don't know if there's anything weird enough to be fulfilling as an answer to such a question. Here are several "weird" things I've done. Perhaps you can decide which is the weirdest.

My husband and I have converted our entire front and back yard lawns into organic, native gardens to better support the local native ecosystem, save on mowing (work, pollution, noise), and make better use of rainwater.

Don and I sometimes take "beer-cations", which are road trips planned around specific breweries and pubs where our favorite microbrewed beers are available.

I have endured three months on a "yeast-free" diet (which I hated but made me skinny for a while). I had to cut out sugar and all sugar substitutes, yeast (breads, beer), vinegar, additives, and other specific items. I also had to limit my dairy and fruit consumption. It was doctor-ordered by my fibromyalgia doctor at the time, who suspected I had a yeast overgrowth in my gut, and could be contributing to my fibromyalgia symptoms... but he was wrong. I felt awful on this diet and he ordered me to stop after three months instead of six months.

I had a tonsillectomy a few years ago because the crypts in my tonsils were breeding bacteria and making tonsilloliths that I had to periodically poke out with Q-tips or water jets or my fingers.

I'm sure I've done other things that some people consider weird, but this is all I can come up with for now.

Ask me anything

Beercation 2009

What are your plans for the holidays?

I don't really celebrate holidays as much as I celebrate having time off and being alive. :)
But basically, we traveled and tasted a lot of beers for most of the time.

My husband Don and I traveled to Michigan on a road trip, enjoying our "beer-cation" by staying at various cities which are home to the various microbreweries we know and love, and some we never knew about before. We enjoyed many fine beers at: Founder's, Dragonmead, Dark Horse, Arcadia, Bell's, and almost went to 3 Floyds in Indiana, but they were closed. :( Nearer home, we also visited: Barley House, Rock Bottom, Lucky Monk, and plenty of our favorite beers from Binny's.

Ask me anything