Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The "I Don't Like This" List

So far in my exploratory journey of self-awareness, here are some things I've noticed about my behaviors that I don't like.
  • I pour a full bowl of cereal in the mornings, and sometimes I even refill and have a second bowl.  I love cereal and always have.  I guess it's one of my comfort foods.  But I always wish I could just eat a normal sized portion and leave it at that, like Don does.  As I pour the cereal, I wish I could stop myself at half a bowl, but I haven't been able to do that much lately.
  • I tend to do my binging at or after breakfast time on weekdays, or just before leaving work in the early evenings.  These are times when I'm alone and tend to cave to temptations.  In the mornings, I used to dig into the peanut butter jar (when we had some in the house), just before leaving for work.  In the evenings, I am usually good, but if I know there are snacks available, I taste, then ravage them.  It's almost as if the taste of the forbidden sets me off into some no-holds-barred eating event.  I need to be aware of this as it's happening.
  • My weaknesses are for: peanut butter, crispy salty foods like chips and crackers, sweets like donuts and cupcakes and chocolate treats, and I know I've always loved the blander cereals and breads.
  • I enjoy healthy foods but I tend to grab the quick stuff rather than prepare something healthy, even if we have the ingredients.  Perhaps having healthier options ready to grab will help me here.
  • I have caved into cravings, thinking I could handle an indulgence here or there, but it seems like one thing always leads to another and the indulgences get out of control.  I end up regretting them.
  • My fear of Fibromyalgia flares, along with some sort of procrastinational tendencies, seems to be standing in the way of my exercising more regularly.  I love taking walks with Don and have been in the habit of taking the stairs to the plaza at work, but I wish I could implement a regular exercise routine into my day again. 
  • I seem to have taken the easy way out on some of the above by using Fibromyalgia as a crutch or an excuse to do so.  If this keeps up, eventually I will not challenge myself to do anything anymore because I'm chronically ill.  I don't want to stagnate, regardless of the reasons.  I need to associate long-term healing with activities that may bring about temporary flares.

Now, here is a list of the things I would like to see as changed behaviors:
  • I'd like to be more prone to select healthier, lower calorie foods for snacking, even though it may not be what I'm craving or as easy to grab as something less healthy.  I like salads and healthy meals when they are served to me, but I have a hard time doing the work required to get these things prepared for myself unless I am motivated.  I want to be motivated more often.  I want to motivate myself more effectively.
  • I'd like to be able to handle an occasional indulgence without going completely overboard about it.  I want to be able to take a reasonable serving and put the rest away and forget about it, rather than obsessing and negotiating about it.
  • I'd like to be able to use my time more productively so I can feel better about myself, rather than beating myself up about wasting time doing frivolous things or nothing at all.
  • I'd like to journal more and be honest about myself in the journal.  It's my own private place - why does committing my feelings to words on paper seem so damning?  I seem to be much better at being honest in my blogs, which is even weirder, since this is public.  Perhaps I'm not comfortable with keeping things private.  I should be okay with having feelings that I keep private.
  • I want to be brave enough to stop and talk to someone when I know I'm about to have a binge.
These are just a few of the things I've noticed after my last blog's epiphany.  I will, of course, continue to observe and reflect on what I'm doing.