I realized today, as I sat at home, sick with some virus, that I've got some issues to work out. In a nutshell, I'm doing some binge eating, I've completely fallen off all of my "wagons," and I feel like I might be slipping into some sort of depression (again).
I'm restless, unable to rest, yet unable to do anything productive. There are things that are not that difficult that I should do, yet I don't feel able to concentrate enough on them to get them done properly. Even this blog post had to wait until I forced myself to take action. I've been kind of watching crap tv all day, not really able to understand what it's all for. The reality shows are interesting, but I found myself wondering how those people manage to go to work and focus on getting their stuff done. These hosts have jobs and they are helping people. It sounds like a great gig. Then I imagine what it would be like if I were to step into their shoes. It was unnecessarily overwhelming. Even a thought-exercise like that was too much for me today. What is happening to me? That doesn't seem right.
This time, however, I feel like I may be a tiny bit ahead of the game than the last time, simply because I'm not afraid to be aware of these feelings I'm having. I'm behaving in ways I don't like and feeling somewhat powerless over the behaviors. The behaviors come and go, so I have this false sense of control, peppered with extreme regrets and disappointment, disguised as mere setbacks, to help me move on.
Truly, there is something messed up happening in my brain and I need to take more assertive action before it gets any worse. I don't know how I'm going to proceed just yet, but at least I'm thinking about it and admitting that it's happening now. People go through these kinds of things all the time, right? I've seen movies. People see shrinks. Sometimes they find solutions, sometimes, they don't. I was hoping that I could engage in self-therapy, what with all my researching knack and being cognizant about all this mess. Then I realized that the journaling and the blogging has become less frequent. I don't know how honest I've been with myself about some of these things in my own private journal, but I still feel like it hasn't been completely.
I'm in a funk and I'm aware of it. Perhaps calling it a "funk" is another way for me to soften the news to myself. I don't know. I'm still sorting through things and hoping to figure out a more effective plan for removing myself from it.
Does any of this make sense to you? Does this kind of reflection belong in a private forum, rather than out here, for all the world to see? Does it make you uncomfortable to know that this is what I'm going through? My intent, of course, is not to make any of my readers uncomfortable, but rather twofold: to help me stick to pursuit of a plan to make positive changes, and to help my readers (I know someone out there must know where I'm coming from).
I've decided I am going to fight the funk and seek solutions. I now know what hasn't been working for me with regard to the diet and exercise plans that I so carefully laid out in older posts. I'm going to mark this as a less-ambitious, yet still very important, observational phase of my self-improvement project. I need to understand when and why I fall into the kinds of behaviors I don't like. Well, first, I need to identify all the behaviors that I don't like. I'm working on this. I'm hoping I can continue to keep my journey public, for the benefit of you and me.
Let's learn together and pick each other up as we fall. I know I'll fall. I think it's important to realize that. But I must learn to get back up again. Feel free to publicly or privately share your thoughts on any of this. I welcome your feedback. Well, I guess I might not welcome some crap "suck it up" sentiments, but I am at least ready for that possibility.
Thanks for reading.