What Am I Smiling About?

The other day, Don and I went out with some friends to enjoy some of our favorite beers together.  During the conversation, I started noticing my back was making sitting uncomfortable.  At first, I ignored it and tried to make the most of the socializing fun.  Eventually, I gave out and slouched, noticeably.  Apparently, I maintained a big smile on my face while I slouched in pain, oddly.  I wasn't aware until one of my friends looked at me and curiously asked me what I was smiling about.  I don't know!  I guess I was trying to remain pleasant, despite my personal struggles.  Perhaps the slouch itself made me smile because it was a silly position to take, in public.  Whatever it was, it made me realize that I must do a great job of disguising my pain in front of others.  

When asked about my smile, I confessed that my back was hurting me and I didn't know how to relieve it, I got a bit of a pitiful, synchronized groan from the group.  I don't want people to pity me.  This became apparent to me while I was using a cane to get around at work for a few days.  The cane elicits such a pity response from everyone who knows you!  I found it ironic that the cane really only indicated foot/leg pain or balance issues, while the other pains and problems of Fibromyalgia and my myriad other health problems continue - cane or no cane.  When the cane stopped accompanying me to work, these same folks would delight in my improvement, assuming I was feeling perfect because there was no cane.  This assumption is so wrong it disgusted me.  I blurted out my feelings to some of my coworkers who felt compelled to celebrate my caneless walking.  I also recall telling people not to pity me when they saw me with the cane and instantly frowned and gave me that look. 

So, as I slouched, smiling like an idiot, it occurred to me that I am enabling this whole perception problem to continue.  I'm part of the problem.  People are confused about how I feel and what I'm experiencing because I'm not being true about it.  I'm trying to fool them.  But why?  I never though of myself as a dishonest person.  In fact, I suck at lying and always try to be honest with people, even when it's uncomfortable.  You can't help someone understand you if you lie to them.  So what's with my phony public persona?

Like many folks, I have learned that talking about pains and problems that others don't have is usually no fun for either party.  I hate being a whiner - I want to be tough!  Everyone wants to be strong.  Nobody likes to be weak.  I don't like to ask for help.  I don't like pity.  I want to be independent and able to help others.  

Well, it's nice to want things, isn't it?  I need to face facts.  My condition is limiting, sometimes more so than others.  It is poorly understood and poorly managed.  I have ups and downs and I don't know when the direction will shift.  Sometimes I think it's about time for an up, but I drop down a little more first.  Fibro hurts.  I need to work on the realization that I am chronically ill and am not as healthy as many others out there.  There are others who are ill as well, and they will understand better my ups and downs.  I need to trust that they can handle the truth about how I'm feeling.  I need to give my friends more credit.

Being a party pooper sucks, too, though.  I hate to ruin a party with my awkwardly depressing status updates.  Everyone wants to help, though there is usually nothing they can do.  Perhaps I'm hoping I can fake it till I make it by pretending I'm not feeling quite as badly as I really am.  Sometimes, that works for me.  

At any rate, I'm learning about my ever-changing self and how to best handle the various situations that arise.  Do you have any stories or advice on how to handle the inconvenient symptoms with others around?  I'd love to hear from you.

Wellington Bear

This is Wellington.

 

He has lived in our home for many years - a bit longer than I have been around, actually.  When I was having abdominal pains not too long ago, I decided he looked cuddly and soft and I wanted to hug him, to protect my belly and act as what I call a "magic pillow".

His name has inspired me to use him as a reminder and a symbol of wellness.  There are times when I don't feel so downright awful and I need to notice and appreciate those times.  Other times, when I do feel downright awful, Wellington is there for me to soothe me for a bit and appeal to my inner child while I wait out the pain and discomfort.

I want to thank the person who selected this bear as a gift for Don, many years ago.  She didn't name it or assign it this purpose, but I'm glad he was there for me to adopt and cuddle, (especially when Don is not available for cuddling).  Thanks, Kelly.

An Awful Charley Horse

Last Saturday morning, the day I look forward to all week for sleeping as long as I possibly can, an innocent leg stretch around 5am triggered a ridiculously monstrous leg cramp in my left calf that is continuing to wreak havoc.  

Now I've gotten Charley Horses in my calves before, and they are usually triggered by some instinctive leg stretching done in the bed, but this one was some kind of mother of all Charley Horses.  I couldn't use my usual trick to chase it away - flexing my foot to help stretch the calf muscle out of its tight lock.  This time, The pain was so intense there was really not much I could do to find any relief but suffer and wait it out.  I was crippled so badly, I had to bend my knee to bring my leg up to my hands, but I was almost terrified to touch my leg.  Plan B was to massage the muscle back into a relaxed state.  Yeah, right.  The tight rock of a muscle trapped inside made the skin on my leg not want to be touched, much less be massaged.  I did my best to try not to wince loudly enough for Don to awaken, though all the movement was already ruining that.  I said nothing and tried to settled back into an acceptable position for a bed-mate, while handling the pain as quietly as possible.  

The episode lasted less than a minute, I'm pretty sure, but it lasted entirely too long for me, agonizing as it was.  After the muscle finally gave up its death grip a bit, I tried to move my foot a bit to help stretch it.  It resisted a lot and I was really afraid of damaging it if I forced the stretch, so I was very gentle about it and tried to sleep a bit longer.  

Afterwards, I was immediately aware of that lingering feeling of the post-cramping pain.  As crazy as the episode was, I didn't think I'd be feeling anything by the time I got up.  Little did I realize that something evil was awakened that morning.  The fibro beast of muscle cramps decided to crack the whip on me and show me who's boss.  The first dozen or so steps from the bed that morning and this morning as well, both felt like I was trying to walk on a sprained leg.  I couldn't bear the weight of the step and practically hopped to the bathroom each morning.  Luckily, as I continued to walk, I was able to do so with just a limp. 

As I write today, this Sunday evening, I continue to feel the after-effects of the ugly incident.  I limp and long for the more normal feeling in my right calf.  Both legs were sensitive to the touch before this, but compared to how my left calf is feeling, I am going to call the right leg "normal" by comparison.  (For someone dealing with Myofascial Pain and Fibromyalgia, that's really saying something!)

I felt more comfortable with my cane with me when I took a walk with Don around the block, but I have been trying to stay off the leg for most of the day, with some continual stretching movements being my primary treatment.  My back is also nagging at me but I can't comprehend what it is that it could want, as nothing seems to console it lately.  I've used the heat wrap on it, which feels a little better, but doesn't relieve it.  Medications are not cutting the mustard either, lately.  I'm tempted to medicate with some delicious beer.  At least I'll be enjoying something.

As for possible causes, I've read that dehydration, lack of potassium or electrolytes may contribute to such problems, but I don't think these could be the case.  To be safe, I ingested some potassium-rich orange juice that we happened to have in the fridge and have been drinking plenty of liquids.  

I also realized that Friday, as a response to my flaring Morton's Foot symptoms in my left foot, I'd devised a simple solution that seemed to help me greatly: I wadded up some tissue and taped a bandage over it on the bottom of my left foot, in the appropriate place (knuckle leading to the big toe).  The restoration of the tripod structure of the foot relieved the pain in my second foot knuckle right away, and I was able to transfer the support from shoe to slipper in the evening, without doing anything special.

I'd learned recently in my trigger point workbook that there is a trigger point in the calf muscle that can contribute to pain in the foot.  Perhaps when I changed the balance of my foot, it may have affected my overworked calf muscle?  I don't know if any of this is even possible, but it's crossing my inquiring mind.  I did not repeat the bandage trick yesterday or today, partly because I wanted to see if I could prevent further attacks, but mostly because I couldn't imagine bending my leg over my knee to work on the foot while my calf is so sensitive.  I must find some sort of balance.

So, if things don't improve soon, I'll likely have a rough morning tomorrow and the cane will be accompanying me to work again.

UPDATE: As of Monday morning, I was still feeling the after-effects, but was able to walk on my left leg much better, even right out of bed.  I may be able to do without the cane today after all.  Hurray! 

Did You Miss Me?

I know I've been slacking on the blog posting lately.  Sorry about that.  Things have been a little weirder than usual for me, but I'll attempt to catch everyone up here, while it's on my mind.

Back on August 9th, I started getting these mild abdominal pains here and there.  I didn't think anything of them then, and especially not a couple days later, when I also developed a sore throat, which I assume came from a bug my husband Don passed on to me.  He'd been sick the week before with a bug, so I figured some virus was invading my system and wreaking havoc on my guts a bit.  By Friday, the 13th (ooh!) my sore throat was better and I returned to work, despite the ongoing abdominal pain.

Having been diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) a few years back in late 2007 or so, I'd been doing very well since I started taking a probiotic daily with my vitamins.  I figured I'd been "spoiled" by the virtual elimination of IBS symptoms and didn't think much of a little irritation here and there, especially with the recent mysterious bug.  However, as days passed, I started noticing the abdominal pain was waxing and waning at times, and when it was worse, I seemed also to bloat up, feeling pain from the increased pressure in my belly.  I tried to notice if it had anything to do with eating or eating certain things.  Sometimes I would wake up with the pain, though, so I couldn't make a connection.  Don suggested I have simpler foods for lunch, so I had fresh fruits for lunch for a few days and felt a bit better.

The following Friday, August 20th, I had eaten a pretty large amount of nuts (almonds, cashews, and pecans) for a mid-morning snack.  I probably had more than I should, considering my weight and binging concerns, but I enjoyed them well enough.  A few hours later, the abdominal pains and bloating really got strong.  Around 2pm or so I had just bought myself a late lunch consisting of a grilled cheese sandwich and small chicken noodle soup from our building cafeteria, since I was out of fruit.  It wasn't fruit, but I figured it was simple enough for my guts.  I took a few bites/spoonfuls and couldn't eat any more.  I felt absolutely awful, so I left work to go to the ER and try to find out if something was seriously wrong with me.

Tip: If you can help it, try not to go to the Emergency Room on a Friday afternoon or evening.  When I first got there around 3pm or so, it wasn't too bad, but as the hours wore on, the waiting room filled up with all kinds of people.  Since I wasn't bleeding or unconscious, I wasn't as high a priority, so I had to wait several hours for a room/doctor.  In the meantime, it was very cold and I had someone bring me two blankets to drape myself in while waiting.  They took some blood and urine and did a few tests to check for gallbladder issues.  My tests were okay, I was told.

When I finally got to a room, I was in a queue to get an ultrasound on my abdomen, to see what's going on.  My gallbladder was found to be "distended" and possibly contain some sludge.  The doctors (there was a shift change before I was released) latched onto the gallbladder thing and advised me to avoid fatty, fried foods.  By this time Don had joined me and I looked at him in confusion.  Don vouched for me as we both told the doctor that we already eat pretty healthy now, especially since my yeast-free diet a couple of years back.  We prefer fresh produce, and indulge in "bad" foods only occasionally, here and there.  I really could not believe this was the cause of my problems, but that's the information with which they released me.  I was also given a Bentyl injection for my abdominal pains.  Oddly, the injection was pretty painful, even though I thought I was an old pro at getting shots, as I'd gotten years of them for my allergies.  I was also given a prescription of Bentyl tablets to take as needed at home, and was told to see my primary care physician for a more accurate diagnosis.

I saw my internist the next Monday afternoon on August 23rd.  He ordered more blood testing for thyroid problems and celiac disease (at my mention).  Those came back okay.  He told me to see a gastroenterologist to see if more testing is indicated, possibly a CT scan, scope, or camera pill.

I saw a gastroenterologist Friday afternoon on August 27th.  By this time, I'd tried the nuts again and noticed another episode of worsening symptoms, so I mentioned a possible nut allergy to the doctor, as well as all my other worries which were basically wallpapering the office with pamphlets of all the various conditions I'd read about online - diverticulitis, pancreatitis, gallstones, kidney stones, liver problems, diabetes, etc.  

He was nice enough, but didn't seem concerned about all the things on my mind.  He noticed I listed probiotics on my drug list and asked me how long I've been taking them.  A couple years, at least, I'm sure, I told him.  I added that they've helped me with the IBS when I was first having trouble, and that this bout didn't seem to be like the IBS I'd had before.  (I'm not experiencing any urgencies this time.)  Without ordering any additional tests, he instructed me to stop taking the probiotics for 2-3 weeks and see if my symptoms improve.  If not, see him again and perhaps he will try an antibiotic.  In short, he suspects a possible bacterial overgrowth in my gut.

Although the doctor never used the term, I recall having read about SIBO (Small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) being a problem for fibromites like myself.  Sure enough, the symptoms seem to overlap with my own, though I'm not having all of the symptoms listed. (Those symptoms associated with the "output" of the digestive system seem to be absent.)

So, I've stopped taking my probiotic since the morning of August 28th and I'll see if things improve.  So far, so good, but I have not tested myself against those nuts after the last two times.  Don doesn't want me to suffer, but I'm very curious to see if might are the cause of my problems.  I've also stopped having almond milk (I like Silk Almond Milk with my cereal in the mornings).  None of my doctors seemed concerned about the nuts, even though I mentioned them to each one.

I have an appointment to see my gastroenterologist again on Friday, September 17th that I will cancel if I feel better nearer that date.  I will keep you all informed about what happens.

The "I Don't Like This" List

So far in my exploratory journey of self-awareness, here are some things I've noticed about my behaviors that I don't like.

• I pour a full bowl of cereal in the mornings, and sometimes I even refill and have a second bowl.  I love cereal and always have.  I guess it's one of my comfort foods.  But I always wish I could just eat a normal sized portion and leave it at that, like Don does.  As I pour the cereal, I wish I could stop myself at half a bowl, but I haven't been able to do that much lately.
• I tend to do my binging at or after breakfast time on weekdays, or just before leaving work in the early evenings.  These are times when I'm alone and tend to cave to temptations.  In the mornings, I used to dig into the peanut butter jar (when we had some in the house), just before leaving for work.  In the evenings, I am usually good, but if I know there are snacks available, I taste, then ravage them.  It's almost as if the taste of the forbidden sets me off into some no-holds-barred eating event.  I need to be aware of this as it's happening.
• My weaknesses are for: peanut butter, crispy salty foods like chips and crackers, sweets like donuts and cupcakes and chocolate treats, and I know I've always loved the blander cereals and breads.
• I enjoy healthy foods but I tend to grab the quick stuff rather than prepare something healthy, even if we have the ingredients.  Perhaps having healthier options ready to grab will help me here.
• I have caved into cravings, thinking I could handle an indulgence here or there, but it seems like one thing always leads to another and the indulgences get out of control.  I end up regretting them.
• My fear of Fibromyalgia flares, along with some sort of procrastinational tendencies, seems to be standing in the way of my exercising more regularly.  I love taking walks with Don and have been in the habit of taking the stairs to the plaza at work, but I wish I could implement a regular exercise routine into my day again. 
• I seem to have taken the easy way out on some of the above by using Fibromyalgia as a crutch or an excuse to do so.  If this keeps up, eventually I will not challenge myself to do anything anymore because I'm chronically ill.  I don't want to stagnate, regardless of the reasons.  I need to associate long-term healing with activities that may bring about temporary flares.

Now, here is a list of the things I would like to see as changed behaviors:

• I'd like to be more prone to select healthier, lower calorie foods for snacking, even though it may not be what I'm craving or as easy to grab as something less healthy.  I like salads and healthy meals when they are served to me, but I have a hard time doing the work required to get these things prepared for myself unless I am motivated.  I want to be motivated more often.  I want to motivate myself more effectively.
• I'd like to be able to handle an occasional indulgence without going completely overboard about it.  I want to be able to take a reasonable serving and put the rest away and forget about it, rather than obsessing and negotiating about it.
• I'd like to be able to use my time more productively so I can feel better about myself, rather than beating myself up about wasting time doing frivolous things or nothing at all.
• I'd like to journal more and be honest about myself in the journal.  It's my own private place - why does committing my feelings to words on paper seem so damning?  I seem to be much better at being honest in my blogs, which is even weirder, since this is public.  Perhaps I'm not comfortable with keeping things private.  I should be okay with having feelings that I keep private.
• I want to be brave enough to stop and talk to someone when I know I'm about to have a binge.

These are just a few of the things I've noticed after my last blog's epiphany.  I will, of course, continue to observe and reflect on what I'm doing.

The Funk

I realized today, as I sat at home, sick with some virus, that I've got some issues to work out.  In a nutshell, I'm doing some binge eating, I've completely fallen off all of my "wagons," and I feel like I might be slipping into some sort of depression (again).  

I'm restless, unable to rest, yet unable to do anything productive.  There are things that are not that difficult that I should do, yet I don't feel able to concentrate enough on them to get them done properly.  Even this blog post had to wait until I forced myself to take action.  I've been kind of watching crap tv all day, not really able to understand what it's all for.  The reality shows are interesting, but I found myself wondering how those people manage to go to work and focus on getting their stuff done.  These hosts have jobs and they are helping people.  It sounds like a great gig.  Then I imagine what it would be like if I were to step into their shoes.  It was unnecessarily overwhelming.  Even a thought-exercise like that was too much for me today.  What is happening to me?  That doesn't seem right.

This time, however, I feel like I may be a tiny bit ahead of the game than the last time, simply because I'm not afraid to be aware of these feelings I'm having.  I'm behaving in ways I don't like and feeling somewhat powerless over the behaviors.  The behaviors come and go, so I have this false sense of control, peppered with extreme regrets and disappointment, disguised as mere setbacks, to help me move on.  

Truly, there is something messed up happening in my brain and I need to take more assertive action before it gets any worse.  I don't know how I'm going to proceed just yet, but at least I'm thinking about it and admitting that it's happening now.  People go through these kinds of things all the time, right?  I've seen movies.  People see shrinks.  Sometimes they find solutions, sometimes, they don't.  I was hoping that I could engage in self-therapy, what with all my researching knack and being cognizant about all this mess.  Then I realized that the journaling and the blogging has become less frequent.  I don't know how honest I've been with myself about some of these things in my own private journal, but I still feel like it hasn't been completely.  

I'm in a funk and I'm aware of it.  Perhaps calling it a "funk" is another way for me to soften the news to myself.  I don't know.  I'm still sorting through things and hoping to figure out a more effective plan for removing myself from it.

Does any of this make sense to you?  Does this kind of reflection belong in a private forum, rather than out here, for all the world to see?  Does it make you uncomfortable to know that this is what I'm going through?  My intent, of course, is not to make any of my readers uncomfortable, but rather twofold: to help me stick to pursuit of a plan to make positive changes, and to help my readers (I know someone out there must know where I'm coming from).

I've decided I am going to fight the funk and seek solutions.  I now know what hasn't been working for me with regard to the diet and exercise plans that I so carefully laid out in older posts.  I'm going to mark this as a less-ambitious, yet still very important, observational phase of my self-improvement project.  I need to understand when and why I fall into the kinds of behaviors I don't like.  Well, first, I need to identify all the behaviors that I don't like.  I'm working on this.  I'm hoping I can continue to keep my journey public, for the benefit of you and me.  

Let's learn together and pick each other up as we fall.  I know I'll fall.  I think it's important to realize that.  But I must learn to get back up again.  Feel free to publicly or privately share your thoughts on any of this.  I welcome your feedback.  Well, I guess I might not welcome some crap "suck it up" sentiments, but I am at least ready for that possibility.


Thanks for reading.

My Worse Half - Left

What a complete fudgebucket of a day today is!

My sleep has degraded until it just completely crapped out at 3am this morning.  I woke up and went to pee, thinking I could fall back asleep after coming back from the bathroom if I don't turn the lights on.  Yes, it's come to that.  I try to fool myself into thinking I'm not really fully awake.  It has worked occasionally, but not this time.  I got back to bed and realized my plan failed miserably, as I was not able to get comfortable, plus I was wide awake (even though I spent all day at work yesterday feeling like a zombie).  I gave up and spent my early morning hours playing on Facebook, waiting for the Sandman to beckon me back to bed.  He stood me up.

So I started my day and flipped on the news while I had some breakfast.  Things were fine until I felt like I needed to move my neck a bit, so I did.  Instead of feeling a relieving adjustment, I felt excruciating pain.  It feels like I've contorted it into some awful position, but all I did was move it a little bit.  I didn't even stretch it!

So, ever since about 6am this morning, the left side of my neck, my left shoulder, my left arm, and the left side of my back, all the way down to my left hip, are all seized up in pain that intensifies with any movement.  Lovely. 

I waited a bit to see if it would subside.  Eventually, I had to decide to use up yet another of my very few remaining vacation days to stay home and rest.  I'm on much more pain medication than I ever really consider using, especially on a work day or a day when I need to drive.  Since I'm home, I thought I'd "pull out the big guns" as my husband said.

I tried going back to bed after contacting my boss, but there was no relief there and still no sleepiness.  I should be napping or something right now, but I can't.  I'm feeling out of order and unable to sit still.  My eyes feel like I've been awake for weeks, but I can't sleep.  I can't even lie down comfortably.  I'm restless.  I can't even deal with the television today.  I turn it on, hate whatever is on, search for something else, give up, and turn it off.  I've done this about three times today.  

I feel irritable, I guess.  It's probably a good thing I'm home by myself.  I hate subjecting Don to my irritability.  What's weird is that I recognize it (I hope) right away.  It's such and icky, uncomfortable feeling that just feels incurable.  Bleh.  I just wish I could shake it off.  There's a lot that needs to be done, but I'm in no shape to do it.  Yet I can't seem to rest.  It all just seems wrong and messed up.  

I am going to see if there is a trigger point I can find that might be causing this problem.  I have my Thera Cane and Knobble here, waiting to help me.  I hope they can.  If that doesn't work, I've got a heat wrap on my shoulder and hopefully I can lose myself in some reading or something.  Sometimes distraction is the only treatment that works for me.

Mallory, My Fibroduck

This is Mallory. :)  Mallory is going to help spread awareness for Fibromyalgia by posing for photos in various locations.  I take her picture and upload to Fibroduck's website, where everyone in the world can see her.

Her spots represent the invisible illness of Fibromyalgia, so you can tell she's not a "normal" ducky.  She's still trying to live a fun and fruitful life, even though she's different, just like I am.  Although sometimes it may seem strange to see a ducky in certain places, it's representative of how strange it may feel for us fibromites to be in this world - kind of like a duck out of water.  Even though you can't see how strange it feels, we feel it.  We compensate however we can and try to make the most of each situation.

I bought my ducky in a 3-pack from a local Party City store for under $3 and customized her with dots myself, but if you like you can order a free* ducky from Jamie Goodwin, the creator of Fibroduck.  (*Due to the expense of running the charitable website, she is now asking for just the cost of postage.)

Please visit Fibroduck online and view some of the photos uploaded there.  Download a poster and join in the fun by taking your own photos and uploading them to share with others.  It's a fun way to do something that helps fibromyalgia awareness, which in turn helps fibromyalgia patients like myself get better, more effective treatments and helps reduce confusion and misunderstanding of this chronic, incurable condition.

P.S.  I have two extra duckies I would be happy to give away to two lucky readers of my blog who are interested in joining up with Fibroduck.  If you'd like your own fibroduck, please let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me check the profile page from my blog's "About Me" page).  I will send a ducky to each of the first two people who are interested.  (Be sure to leave me your email address so I can contact you.) 

What Fibro? (A Wonderful Vacation)

I just got back from a great week long vacation with my husband.  We drove up to his old stomping grounds in Glennie, Michigan to stay with his childhood friend's family, out in the country.  

The weather was sunny and hot for most of the trip, and we did lots of fun stuff, like canoeing (my first time), four-wheeling (another first for me), target shooting, a pontoon boat ride (another first for me), attending a local 4th of July parade, even tossing the old Frisbee around.
 

We also visited several great places along the way, including our favorite brewery, Founders in Grand Rapids, MI, and attended a Weird Al concert in Indiana on the way back home.

I noticed that, despite all the activities, I felt GREAT!  I hardly dealt with any of my fibromyalgia or other health conditions myriad symptoms.  I had only little pain in my back, neck, and hands and feet.  There was no nausea, no headaches, no IBS problems, and very little (unearned) fatigue.  This was all a great relief to both me and my husband, as he worries about planning vacations around my unpredictable symptoms.  

I speculated as to the factors that may have been so helpful with regard to lifting my pains, fatigue, and health problems while on the road.  Here is a list of possibilities I have pondered:

• I got lots of warm sunshine, which means I got lots of vitamin D.
• I ate and drank lots of yummy food and delicious beers.
• I had little stress thanks to no work, no chores, no commuting, even no diet.  My husband even planned all the stops and did all the driving.  (Thanks, Don!)
• I had plenty of distraction with new people to meet, new surroundings, and new experiences.  I was busy!
• I got plenty of exercise and walked a lot.
• I got plenty of sleep.  (I slept surprisingly well on all the strange beds.)
• I had plenty of FUN!!!

I had a wonderful time and am very thankful that I got to experience it without being a fibro-drag on the rest of the group.  (I hate slowing down everyone else's fun because I don't feel well.)

Unfortunately, now that I'm back to my non-vacation routine at home/work, I'm noticing the return of some symptoms.  My asthma seems to be acting up at both work and home, causing me to cough, clear my throat, and sound hoarse again.  (This was all gone on vacation!)  I am digging up and finding that molds in the indoor air of my office building and possibly in my basement where I like to watch TV in the evenings could be aggravating my allergic asthma and possibly adding a post-nasal drip, which could be behind the throat clearing.  The difficulty breathing seems also to be causing me to be exhausted during most of my day, and especially at the end of the day.  To top it all off, my comfy, familiar bed at home doesn't seem to be comfortable enough for good sleep, as my sleep seems more interrupted and broken now that I'm home.

To top it off, my native garden is under attack by the village (again) due to ignorant folks making anonymous complaints that have no merit.  The village is threatening to mow the entire parkway TOMORROW!  Little does the author of the threatening letter realize that our native plants benefit the entire neighborhood, while the turf-grass they so seem to adore is harmful in several ways.

In addition to all this mess, I'm dealing with several other stressful situations that have to do with others and things out of my control, as well.  I won't go into details, but it's so overwhelming that I feel compelled to keep making lists about follow-up tasks and chores. Ugh...

I suppose there would be no wonderful experiences if there weren't also awful ones, for comparison.  I'll try to keep that in mind and appreciate my health remission for the temporary phenomenon it was, and look forward to my next one.

I'm wishing you all a pain-minimal day!

Thera Cane

Hey, d'ya miss me?  Hee!  I've been busy with life and not blogging much the past couple weeks.  I guess that's a good thing, no?  Anyway, I am feeling guilty about leaving you all with that fat whale picture on my last post, so I'm going to give you something new to chew one: Myofascial pain and trigger points.  

If you're not familiar with these terms, you can read up about them here.  There is also plenty of great info available at various reputable websites and books.  I had been diagnosed with Chronic Myofascial Pain before I even knew what Fibromyalgia was, so after the FM diagnosis, I got a great book (photo and link at left) about both of these conditions within the same person.

About a month ago, I saw my Fibromyalgia doctor for a follow-up appointment.  While I was discussing certain new pains, we talked about my Myofascial pain, trigger points, referred pains, and how to go about treating it all.  He is a good listener and we discuss every last bullet point and question that I bring with me during each appointment.  

By the way, my dear Fibrofriends, I have a special notebook just for these appointments, and I if you don't, you should definitely invest in a dedicated one.  You can write your questions down as you think of them, bring them all with you, then jot down the doctor's responses and instructions on the next page.  This system saves a lot of sanity for us fibrofogged people!

Okay, getting back to the point, I showed him some of the diagrams in my book that showed certain trigger points and their referral patterns, and added that I suspected these could be the source of my recent pains and discomfort.  He didn't claim to be any sort of expert (neurology is his specialty), but he agreed that it was a definite possibility worth exploring further.

The book also references heavily the works of Travell and Simons as the source of all the diagrammed information on trigger points and pain referral patterns.  The sampling of diagrams in the book I had were extremely useful in untangling the mysteries of some of my daily pains, and I was interested in learning more.  I had known of another book that focused solely on the self treatment of myofascial trigger points, but never took the plunge to buy it.  I asked my doctor about it, to see if he thought it was worth getting.  He was very enthusiastic about it and pulled an old first edition of the book I'd mentioned right off his bookshelf.  So, afterwards, I went straight to a bookstore to leaf through this book and, eventually, I decided to go ahead and buy it.

The book I bought is The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook: Your Self-Treatment Guide for Pain Relief, Second Edition by Clair Davies (pictured at left).  This book is GREAT!  I have decided to sit down and carefully read it from beginning to end, but I have already skipped around to various relevant chapters many times to help treat my own pains, as well as a few of my husband's. 

In addition to the book, I also bought a couple of tools that are mentioned throughout the book to help already sore hands and arms from getting worse due to self-massage.  There are some spots on one's body that are just not comfortable to reach, much less apply pressure, and doing so with bare hands would likely do more damage than good.  I got the Knobble and a Thera Cane.  

The Knobble, which is a hard plastic little doodad that fits in a hand and has no corners or seams in it.  It looks a little like the nipple on a baby bottle, actually.  It went with me to my last two massage appointments and my therapist used it very effectively to put pressure on the knots in my shoulders.  She was thrilled to try it out and will be getting one of her own so she can use it on other clients.

The Thera Cane is a hard plastic small cane with rounded ends and several additional, strategically placed knobs that can be used in myriad ways to comfortably reach and massage all the muscles in one's body.  It comes with its own little booklet of various positions and techniques for common trouble areas.  The Thera Cane was actually suggested to me by that very same massage therapist several months ago, after she had tried it herself, but I wasn't quite ready for it then.  Now that I have it and understand more about the way trigger points behave and what kinds of pressure helps to relieve the pain they cause, I feel armed and ready for the world (at the moment).

I ordered a second book and Thera Cane because I was so enamored with the power they represent to me.  I am thinking of giving them away to someone I know who may need some non-drug pain relief.  

Now a warning: It was in the book and probably in the booklet, but of course I had to go and find out the hard way about this one.  When you get these tools and start using them, don't go overboard and use them too much on the very first day.  I figured all that myofascial release massage I've been getting done the past couple years must have warmed me up for using these things on myself.  Ha!

I had a knot in my left shoulder/neck area that was bugging me and the first chance I had, I grabbed that Thera Cane and applied the pressure on that trigger point spot.  It felt good to press on it without having my hands hurt from the work.  The leverage of the cane's shape definitely made it easier to work that muscle.  It also made it easy for me to overdo it, I think.  The next day, I was immobilized due to intense pain in that very same area, spreading to a larger area involving my back, neck, and left arm.  I was useless that day.  Luckily, it was a Sunday and I had nothing important planned.

The good new, though, is that the following day I was much better, with only residual pain.  I was able to go to the office and work a full day with only moderate pain, getting milder.  The pain was much more vague, no longer concentrated in that knot.  It seems I had dissipated it.  Eventually, I forgot all about the pain that I treated.  My cane is ready at my bedside, but I already haven't been using it much.  I use it when I need to.

It was a great investment and I'm happy to share my story with you all.  It is my hope that you can experience some relief using the knowledge that I have shared here.  As always, I'd love to hear from you about this.  Please feel free to comment.    

Note: Nobody is paying me to endorse any of these products.  I believe in people sharing their experiences for free.  Honest opinions are the only ones that count.

Don't Offer Me Any Donuts, Please

Apparently, the persisting tightness of my pants is not all in my imagination.  My last weigh-in this morning confirms what I feared - I'm slowly becoming... a whale.  

No, not a cute, baby whale.  A big, fat, blubbery, ugly one.

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but at 5' 4.5", I'm not tall enough to pull off a 150+ lb. weight.  I've never been this heavy in all my life.  I'm thoroughly disgusted with the weight gain especially because I know that I will have an even tougher time losing it, now that I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain preventing me from doing any meaningful exercise.  I can do some walking and some stretching, but that's about it.  Even after a walk, I've had to collapse from exhaustion upon my return home. 

All you super heroes reading this probably think I'm pathetic.  I might agree, but there's always that illness keeping me from blaming myself completely.  Perhaps that's the problem I need to address.  Although I can confidently blame Fibro for my pain and fatigue most times, I don't know that I can blame it completely for my fatness.  I've caught myself eating or overeating to try to distract myself from my symptoms, or to give myself some enjoyment in a painfully frustrating day.  It's not a bad thing to try to make myself feel happier, but turning to food - especially sweets and "bad" foods - is not a smart thing to do.  Frankly, I'm surprised I could let something like this get the best of me for so long.  Why did I wait to have this epiphany until now? 

Staying on the wagons I've laid out has proven to be much easier said (or written, rather) than actually done.  My flares are frequent and I never seem to know how I'm going to feel at any given minute.  I may wake up okay, then be fighting tears by evening - or vice versa.  I have skipped so many of my morning stretches, my strength-building exercises, and haven't done any regular walking or other aerobic activity, as I had planned.  What's more, I've been skipping all the Calorie Count logging I thought I would be doing to help me monitor my intake.  A little ice cream here, a couple beers there - and suddenly, I'm busting out of my jeans.

When I saw that horrid number on my scale this morning, I was going to keep this weight thing my dirty, little secret.  I decided it would be far too embarrassing to tell anyone about this.  I even considered removing that ladybug ticker from the bottom of this blog.  But after thinking a bit about it, I decided this isn't the worst thing to be guilty of.  Anyone with Fibromyalgia will certainly understand, as I'm sure the illness creates this problem for many of us as we struggle to survive the pain and fatigue and stress of life.  I knew someone out there would know all too well how this happens, and perhaps offer me some support.


I'd like to rise above this thing  I'd like to take this challenge and turn it into an opportunity to feel good about myself, instead of continuing to pity myself about how awful things are.  Sure, I might fail, but I'm not going to know if I succeed unless I try.  I'm going to try to do better and hopefully, once I can see any sort of progress, the momentum of success will help me to keep going.

That said, please do me a favor and don't offer me any donuts.  I love food, especially desserts, but my allowance for these kinds of foods needs to be drastically reduced.  Want to take a short walk with me?  Care for some healthy veggies instead of that hamburger?  Forgive me if I pass on your famous, homemade whatever.  Believe me: I really do want to have it, but I've got to take care of my body before it gives out on both of us.  I don't expect you all to change your behavior for me - I know you mean well.  I'll just have to resist temptations a little better and be braver about risking flares for the greater good.

Fibroletters, Fibromyalgia Letter Writing Campaign

I have recently discovered a great cause that helps to demonstrate how Fibromyalgia (FMS) affects people.  The name of the idea is Fibroletters, Fibromyalgia Letter Writing Campaign.  It was started by several patients with Fibromyalgia (among other conditions) to help the public understand of the reality of Fibromyalgia.  

Per the Facebook page, here is a description of the purpose of this campaign.

This is not an FMS awareness campaign, but more of an FMS humane campaign.

The purpose of the group is to get at least 500 letters from those that suffer FMS, their families, friends, neighbors, co workers and anyone that can say how it not only affects the sufferer, but those around them.

Once we reach 500 letters they will all be mailed to the media AT ONE TIME. We are hoping that if its sent this way, it will be the same as if we were there. Each letter representing a person. Each person telling a story. Each story affecting another.

Please join us in sending a letter snail mail or email.  (More info is on the web page.)

Whether you are a patient, friend, relative, coworker, or just know someone with Fibromyalgia, you will very likely have a perspective on how this health condition has affected you.  Most readers of this blog (if not all) know someone who has Fibromyalgia.  Many of you know me, and if you know me, you know someone with Fibromyalgia. 

I have already written and submitted my letter via email.  Will you please take a few moments to write a few words about how Fibromyalgia has affected your life and send it in as well?  There is no cost, other than time, and your words will have an impact on this campaign.  Your letter can help make a difference.  

Please write a letter and send it in.  Share this campaign with others you know.  Join the Facebook page.  Visit the website.  Share the link with your friends and invite them to join.  Post the call for letters in your blog or networks.  Email about it.  Talk about it.  Tweet about it.  Get the word out any way you can so they can reach their goal of 500 letters.

Our healing begins with understanding and the best way to help others understand is to write a personal letter.

Thank you!

Chronic Illness: A New Perspective

A very common theme in the many blogs and comments from folks with Fibromyalgia and other, incurable, chronic pain conditions is that the illness takes their previous, normal life away.  

I've recognized this same observation in myself.  There was the old me from before all my Fibromyalgia and Myofascial Pain, and now the new me feels like much less the person I used to be.  I have mourned my previous life and tried to come to terms with having lost many abilities that I once took for granted.  As the t-shirt I'm wearing today states, I am "always tired, always in pain, always uncomfortable".

In addition to the personal changes that illness brings, patients of Fibromyalgia also have a very difficult time assimilating into a society that can't see this invisible illness.  They have expectations of us that we want to fulfill, but physically cannot.  When the expectations and misunderstandings come from family or close friends, they are especially difficult. 

In an effort to keep myself from becoming hopelessly depressed about my current state of health, I am going to try an experimental perspective change.

What if I were to think of myself, now, as someone with normal capabilities, and recognize those in the world who can do more than me as extraordinary individuals with much more strength, stamina, and speed than I do?  

I can call myself and all my fibromite friends the "normal" ones - ones who feel pain all the time, ones who have to rest frequently, ones who don't sleep well, ones who need to write reminders for everything down - we are the ones who are the regular, typical people of the world.  

All those other folks - the ones who can participate in sports, the ones who have energy, ones who feel refreshed after a great night's sleep, ones who breeze through tasks like vacuuming or even shopping - these are all super-athletes of the world.  Young or old, there are quite a few of these people who have extraordinary potential and can run circles around us "normal" folks.

If you suffer from a chronic illness, especially an invisible one like Fibromyalgia, try this idea on for size and let me know what you think of it.  You don't have to share it with those super people, but see if the perspective will help.  After all, it seems like more of the world is ill than not these days, doesn't it?  Perhaps ill people are the new normal.

Nausea Treatments

Recently, I'd had several days of moderate to severe nausea, costing me two days off my job, and plenty of discomfort and distraction besides.  

When it first hit me on Monday morning, I thought perhaps it was something I ate, but soon I realized that my husband ate exactly what I did, and he was doing fine.  

Then I reflected on any recent medication changes.  There was a change to my asthma medications a few weeks ago, but why would symptoms come on so suddenly and severely, several weeks after making the switch?  After several days of misery and trying to work, I called my allergist to see if I could get prescriptions for my old medications and switch back.  Due to phone tag and fibro fog, I had't actually gotten the chance to speak directly with the doctor and discuss anything with him, so the change never occurred.  After the weekend had passed, the nurse called back and asked about my status.  I was feeling a little more sensible by then, and retracted my request to switch back to the old meds.  I know my body doesn't like medication changes, even slight ones, so I thought I'd train my body to accept the new meds, rather than stir up trouble and possibly risk new symptoms to go through again.

For the moment, it seems that, whatever the cause, the nausea is now mostly under control, with some more typically minor waxing and waning here and there.

Last Friday, however, I saw my Fibromyalgia doctor (a neurologist) and asked him specifically about the nausea.  He told me that nausea is not a typical symptom included with Fibromyalgia, and wondered along with me about what could have caused it.  

Later on during the appointment, when I asked about B12 shots or nasal sprays and whether it was worth considering, I mentioned that I take a Super B-Complex supplement every morning after breakfast, along with several other supplements.  He said that B vitamins, specifically, can make him nauseous, so he takes his just before eating, which helps him.  I'm not sure why this is the case, but I can certainly try taking my supplements just before breakfast, rather than just after, to see if it helps.  So far, so good, I guess.  (By the way, he said I should be getting plenty of B from my supplements and food and shouldn't need injections or special sprays or anything.)

He also gave me some other helpful information about how to treat nausea.  

Although medical marijuana is not legal here in Illinois, he does know that studies have shown it to be effective for reducing the kind of severe nausea and vomiting that chemotherapy causes for cancer patients.  He also knew of several patients of his who have told him that the use it (illegally) and that it helps them, though it affects their sensibilities.  

Something I could do whenever I feel bothersome nausea coming on is use an acupressure technique that tends to help.  Basically, dig a couple of fingers into the middle of the underside of your wrist and firmly massage the area.  Either wrist works, or you can switch between both.  I am going to have to give that a try the next time I need it.

Lastly, he mentioned ginger as an effective nausea relief treatment.  You can take it in the form of ginger beer (yummy!), ginger capsules, or candied ginger.  He mentioned an Asian company called Dynasty that makes candied ginger and sells it in a yellow box.  I went to a newly opened Whole Foods after work last Friday, and spotted some candied ginger available in bulk, so I bagged a bit of it and bought it.  It's just plain ginger, in cubes, covered in cane sugar.  I tried one on the drive home - boy was it strong!  I couldn't imagine eating these as a snack, but as a treatment, I could see how the flavor could be distracting, at least.  I have yet to test their effectiveness on my nausea.

Armed with all this knowledge, I feel ready for the next bout of nausea.  Bring it on, FibroBeast!  You may have won the first few battles, but I'll beat you next time.

I understand that Fibro is similar to ME/CFS in some ways... How do you cope with the pain, exhaustion, & broken sleep? (ie. 3 hours sleep, waking every 10-50mins) What things make you happy & take your mind off your illness?

I wrote up my own Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), based on my observations of my symptoms, triggers, and treatments. I shared mine with the public here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/18785920/Zouras-WRAP

It is difficult on the worst days, of course, but when I am up to enjoying friends or alone time, I can forget for a little bit. They key is to remember that there will be better days ahead.

What's on your mind? Fun or serious questions welcome.

Limitations: The Hard Reality of Fibromyalgia

Today would be the day that I would officially start my Wagon 1.3: Endurance Training.  However, I've had some setbacks and I don't feel that I've really made much headway on my previous goal of strength training.  It seems that when I do even the wimpiest of the strength training exercises, I activate some latent trigger point and flare up in pain.  In response, I need to lay off the exercises for a few days.  On top of the pain, last week, I dealt with some unexpected and unexplained severe nausea that cost me two vacation days of work.

I am not going to give up, mind you, just because circumstances have not been ideal.  I'd be a fool to expect that I could just suddenly overcome all my limitations because I decided to.  I do tend to forget my limitations, because I know there are things I used to be able to do (like daily exercising, household chores, etc.) before Fibromyalgia came and beat me up.  Now I'm unable to do things I used to do, and it takes significant effort to consciously remember that I can no longer do those things - at least not to the same extent that I used to, back when I was "normal".

Such is life with the FibroBeast.  I'm on a very short leash and pulling at it is futile.  I wish I could easily see the extent of my leash, but it's something that apparently seems to vary randomly.  I haven't figured out all the factors that determine how far I can go before I hit the limitations each time.  It almost seems the leash gets shorter each time I try, like Fibro is getting angry at me for my persistence.  

Should I appease the beast and stop trying?  Nahhh.

The Unpredictable Nature of the FibroBeast

Unpredictable get the best of you?

Oh my, yes.  I came across this blog post from a fellow chronic illness sufferer dealing with the unpredictable nature of her symptoms.  I sure can relate!  In addition to not really being able to plan a fun trip or event, I am now faced with the challenge of not being able to plan to be able to work on a regular basis.

I was out sick Monday and Tuesday of this week, due mostly to extreme and sudden nausea and abdominal pain and discomfort.  I am completely out of sick time for the year already, so I had to use vacation time for these days.  I was miserable and couldn't even work from home.  The previous Friday, I did work from home, unexpectedly, thanks to dizziness that prevented me from safely driving to work.

When I returned to work on Wednesday (still nauseous and in a plenty of discomfort), I knew I'd have to address with my boss the crazy, unpredictable nature of my illness and how it's been affecting my work.  I regret to report that I couldn't help myself from crying almost as soon as I started the discussion.  How embarrassing!  Here I was, talking about my job with my boss, blubbering like a child about my fears of losing my income and benefits.  I was powerless against those damned tears!  I tried to hold them back, but they overcame my efforts.

Although I worried the worst (that he was considering firing me for my absenteeism), he reassured me that he values my work (when I am able to do it) and that he has absolutely no intention of getting rid of me.  He was very understanding and handled the awkwardness that I inadvertently created.  The plan was to brainstorm a few job modification ideas that could accommodate me better.  These were things I never imagined would be available to me, so just knowing that he would consider so many options was greatly relieving.  We would regroup in a week or so to decide on the options we could agree on and move forward.   

The lesson I learned here is that I shouldn't assume the worst, but rather open a discussion and pursue the truth.  Worrying about stuff that won't happen is a waste of my emotions.  I am lucky to have an understanding boss and to work for a company that realizes the value of my remaining employed despite having to make special accommodations for people like me.  Thank you, kind employer!!

Have you had to make any special accommodations to be able to continue working with a chronic illness?  If so, please comment and share the strategies you have tried.  Tell us what worked and what didn't work.  I came into that conversation not realizing there were any options available at all, so it may help others to share ideas from real experiences.

Wee! Wagon Train!

I know I said I can't be on all wagons at the same time, but after taking a month just to get back into stretching, and after taking almost another month to add in strength training exercises, I've suddenly found myself peeking at the other wagons and getting ahead of myself.  (I got antsy about the large list of goals I've made for myself and time ticking away.)

Here's what I'm currently doing and what I've learned from prioritizing my wagons and refocusing on each goal.

1. Exercise 
1. Stretching (started on 3/18/10)
   I've been doing mild stretching each morning, focusing key stretches on my newly discovered serratus anterior, to prevent that nasty spot at the bottom of my shoulder blade from coming back. 
   
   
   
2. Strength Training (started on 4/18/10)
   I've added a few very mild strength-building exercises to help regain some muscle mass. I used to do a few wall push-ups as part of the routine, but I'm noticing that these seem to be aggravating that serratus anterior trigger point under my arms, so I'm trying to mix it up and not too too many of these at a time. 
   
   I'm also making sure I try different exercises, specifically, exercises that target differing muscles and muscle groups, each day, so I don't overwork any muscles. 
   
   Fibro or not, I've learned that letting muscle tissue rest for a day is the best way to get results.  When you exercise muscles, the tissue tears a bit.  (They are miniscule tears, but together, they add up).  After a day of rest, the torn muscle tissues can heal and build back up, hopefully with more mass, translating to more strength for the next round of exercises.
   
   
   
3. Endurance Training (unofficially started on 5/4/10)
   May 4th was a pre-scheduled work-from-home day for me.  It was a lovely, sunny and warm day, so I tried on some of my shorts to break in the season.  Tragically, I could not find a pair that fit me!  Unbelievable!  So I weighed myself and was utterly disgusted.  I was 148 lbs.!  I've never been this heavy in my entire life!  It's dangerously close to 150, which I never want to be able to claim as my weight. 
   
   This shocking news is what prompted me to act on this and the next wagon sooner than originally planned.  So, when the work day was over, I put on my gym shoes and went outside to walk.  I could no longer wait to trim down.  It was beginning to cause additional problems with self-esteem and conundrums about my current wardrobe.  I pushed myself (risky for a fibromite like me) to walk farther than usual and ended up being out for 45 minutes.  It was exhausting, but I felt much better about myself for having done something positive.
   
   I hope to do much shorter walks on the nicer days, to try to get my heart muscle working and see if I can extend my activity tolerance a bit.  My last walk on 5/6/10 may have been too much, as I was exhausted and cold when I got back (it was chilly) and felt kind of exhausted for a few days afterward.  I need to make sure I'm not fooled by that happy sun when the temperatures aren't quite as high.
   
   
   
2. Weight Loss
   The day of that weigh-in and shorts debacle, I revamped my CalorieCount plans and decided to start logging my calories again.  I modified my diet start date to be 5/5/10 and put in my start weight at 148.  I also changed my end goal to be more reasonable and see how things go.  I simply couldn't stand to postpone this wagon any longer!
   
   
   
3. Reduce Medications (started May, 2010)
   I am trying to get more control of my pains and symptoms, so I won't have to take so many medications.  With the warmer weather coming, I'm also hoping that my pain will be reduced as well. 
   
   So far, I've been able to reduce my Ritalin dosing from two a day to one or none each day.  I've been experimenting with skipping my second dose, to see if there is any difference in my focus or mental capacities.  So far, I'm not noticing much difference.  Since this drug tends to make my heartbeat irregular a lot, I'm happy to reduce and, eventually, get off of it entirely.
   
   
   
4. Stop Finger Picking (started April, 2010)
   Don has been my inspiration on this.  Armed with Band-Aids, I've been trying to resist picking at my fingers, especially my thumbs.  I used to feel like it was too wasteful to cover my fingers in Band-Aids every day, but it definitely helps me to not be able to feel those rough spots, so it's worth it.  Sorry, environment, I have to make an exception for my own greater good. 
   
   Eventually, I hope to wean myself off the Band-Aids, but I'm not quite there yet.  When they get too wet from hand-washing toward the end of the day, I take them off and leave my fingers bare for the remainder of the day, but I notice that those are the times I still pick, so they do make a difference.

I'm feeling much better about all these goals now than when I first realized I was trying to juggle them all without having them concretely written down and prioritized, so being on more than one at a time is not as overwhelming any more.  If I do get overwhelmed again, however, I'll refer to this list order and make sure I choose the top ones over the bottom ones, if I have to sacrifice anything to survive.

I sure am happy to use this public forum to keep me motivated, too.  If you have anything you'd like to add or any comments about any of this stuff, I'd be happy to read them.  Please keep me going on these.  I need to know you're out there, to keep me honest. :)

Serratus Anterior Trigger Point May Be the Reason My Back Hurts

After researching and digging to try to find a reason for my stabbing, mid-back pain on my left side for the past month, I think I may finally have an explanation that makes some sense.  In addition to Fibromyalgia, I also have Chronic Myofascial Pain, which is associated with those trigger points.  Trigger points are muscles that, when knotted up, tend to refer pain to other areas in the body.  Sometimes referral pains are not very logical, so it's easy to forget that trigger points might be the culprit of some problems.

The muscle that I suspect is causing pain for me the past month or so is called the Serratus Anterior, which is located under the arms.  

When I learned of this muscle, I tried massaging the faulty muscle on my left side.  I was surprised to find that breathing and movements hurt less while I was applying gentle pressure on the spot.  However, it's a difficult position to massage oneself, as the other arm gets fatigued quickly.  I told my husband about it and he rubbed it for me a bit, which felt good.  I'm now focusing my heat wrap and intermittent rubbing (as I can) on that spot, to help the pain under my left shoulder blade fade away.  

I hope to do more focused stretching on the spot as well, to help prevent this problem from occurring again.

I think I may want to get The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook as a future reference, since it came in so handy for me on this issue.  (The drawing above is from the book's website.)  I'll keep you all posted on my progress with this pain.

Do any of you have this book?  Has it helped you?  How do you handle trigger point pain referral problems?

Costochondritis

I thought I'd mentioned this before, but I didn't find it in my blog posts.  I think I might be dealing with Costochondritis.  Here is another fine page about Costochondritis.

Looking back through my journal and blog entries, it seems the stabbing pain in my back, on the left side, has been going on since at least early March - almost two months now.  Before that, I had stabbing pains in the right side of my front ribcage.  The slightest movement seems to cause the pain to increase, including breathing.  The deeper the breath, the "louder" the pain gets.  If I sneeze, even just once, the pain is aggravated for hours or days.  It seems to make progress between sneezes, but with allergy season upon me, I can't keep the sneezing down very well.

Readers, if you've been diagnosed with costochondritis, tell me how you were diagnosed and what you do to treat it.  I see my doctor in a couple of weeks, but I'd like to know if he'll be able to help me, or if this will be yet another one of those conditions that just gets chalked up to Fibromyalgia with no possible treatment options.

Wagon 1.2: Strength Training

I've been busy working on my little self-improvement plan, as you may recall from last month's post "I Think I Fixed my Wagons".  

I gave myself a full month to get on Wagon 1.1: Stretching. I'm trying to re-establish my daily habit of stretching each morning.  One of my pitfalls is that, due to hypermobility, and probably also due to my personal tendency to be a perfectionist, I tend to stretch too much, which, in turn, causes me pain for days or even weeks following.  The pain, in turn, prevents me from doing stretches because I'm afraid to hurt myself further.  With all this in mind, I've been dutifully doing my little stretches each morning - sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how I feel.  After a month of this, I think I'm ready to move on to the next mini-wagon, which will focus on building back my lost muscle mass.

I've started mixing in a few of the isometric and other exercises that help with muscle tone and strength already, so I know I can do them.  I wrote down a few, to remind me in case I get fibrofog.  Among them are these:

• Place palms together and push both arms together, resisting motion
• Hook both hands together in front and pull arms apart, resisting motion
• Put hands on forehead and move head toward hand, resisting motion (repeat on sides of head and back of head)
• Put hand on lap, in sitting position and move leg up, resisting motion (repeat for other leg)
• Wall push-ups at a slight angle (I can increase the angle as I get stronger)
• Use the wall as back support and slide down to sit on a pretend chair
• Leg squats

I did some of these after stretching this morning.  I am going to give myself another month to get this new habit going and see if my muscle strength starts to return a bit.  I am expecting some soreness and setbacks from overzealous days, but I hope to do better in the long run.

I'll check back in another month to report on my progress and embark on Wagon 1.3: Endurance Training.

If you could go on vacation for the next month with an unlimited budget, where would you go?

Ooh, that's a tough one! I long to return to New Orleans, and I'd love to get there by train. The airports are ridiculous these days. French Quarter of New Orleans has awesome food, booze, and people, all in walking distance. Since I'd have a whole month, I could explore outside the Quarter and visit some of the surrounding areas and explore new things in Louisiana.

What's on your mind? Fun or serious questions welcome.

MaryAnn, Our Neighbor

I was out touring our yard and cleaning up the branches from our rain garden this morning, because I couldn't resist.  Anyway, when I was done with the branches, I came back to the corner and looked around a bit.  To my surprise, I noticed our elderly neighbor came out her side door and walked toward me.  I said "hi" and thought she might have something to say to me, but all she wanted to do is fill her bird bath, which happens to be right on the other side of our fence, next to her birdhouse (which is frequently occupied by non-native sparrows).  So, I jumped in and introduced myself to her and try to make nice with her a bit.  That's how I learned her name was not Mary, as I thought, but MaryAnn - she corrected me.  She knew my name was "Bonnie", since that's how I introduced myself to her husband when we first moved in.  I also made an effort to shake her reluctant hand and smile.  It was a genuine smile, as I was pleased for the opportunity to finally speak directly with her after five years of living next door to her.  She remains indoors about 99% of the time.

After the niceties, I bravely asked her what she thinks of our yard.  I didn't want to assume she loathed it as much as her late husband, especially since I had her right there at my disposal.  She jumped in with a "no" and a slightly soured face.  "It looks like a buncha weeds - to me," she said.  She further explained that it's nice for "out in the country", waving her hand toward the west and looking out as she said this, but not here, right next to her "nice grass", meaning her own sterile landscape, which, unfortunately, is the norm in my neighborhood.  I bit my tongue, validated her opinion, and explained a bit about our Native Suburbia project and our goals.  Not surprisingly, she didn't care about natives or biodiversity or anything about our project's goals, because in her mind, this type of landscape simply does not belong in suburbia.  Old as she is, I'm not surprised that she couldn't be swayed on this point.

I maintained my polite and understanding demeanor with her, to keep the dialog open.  As a last ditch effort, I pulled out the big guns and asked her if she's noticed more hummingbirds and butterflies in the neighborhood.  Her face loosened up slightly.  I could tell she was surprised and intrigued.  No, she has not seen hummingbirds.  Her daughter, who does live in the country, gets hummingbirds and she's seen them there, but not here.  I informed her that we have several species of plants that attract them, and that we get lots of them each summer.   I told her to keep an eye out this summer for hummingbirds, as they love our hyssops and columbines.  I also asked her to notice the many butterflies that visit.  (I didn't even go into the milkweed/monarch symbiosis, as I thought that was too much for today.  Plus, I think hearing "weed" would throw her off.  What an unfortunate common name the milkweeds have for native plant awareness.  But I digress.)

As our brief conversation ended, I stepped away and tried to stay cordial, adding that I didn't want there to be any hard feelings between us. She could not confirm that this was the case, but at least she hesitated a bit so she wasn't completely a dick about it.  Besides, I'm hoping the relationship will soften while she ponders the conversation later, on her own.  I'm also hoping that every time she sees a butterfly or hummingbird, she'll think of our yard and how we made this possible for her.

I take this conversation as a win.  I didn't want to shut her down completely, because I knew that I could appeal to her, as a woman, by mentioning the undeniably beautiful points of interest in having a yard like ours - hummingbirds and butterflies - and hoped to rely on her avoidance of social awkwardness and requisite friendliness.  She's obviously been influenced by her late husband Ray, who, as you may recall, had nothing but harsh words for us and hatred for our River Birch tree.  And I assume that our tree is not dropping its branches in a strange pile 20 feet away from it in our rain garden all by itself; she or her relatives are most definitely behind this stupid behavior.  However, I am glad that she listened to what I had to say without cursing me out and being uncivilized, which is more than I can say of Ray.